Imagine being a stinky ass English person back in the day going across the ocean and eating a banana for the first time.

2 things: if someone tells you they work in sales just run away.

If I were president I’d shit my pants constantly too

I saw a headline that said Sitting is the new smoking but if you eat chocolate it’s not the new smoking. Like the tobacco lobby, the sitting lobby isn’t as strong as it used to be. Looks like the chocolate lobby is winning out

Many are saying that if you mouth tape you should start nose taping too.

If I were president everyone would get paid to be nice, all restaurants would be good, and all marathons would happen in the middle of nowhere so we don’t have to look at them.

Alvin Einstein has come back to life and he’s real mad

Star Trek: The Next Generation Honey Graham Cookies (1994-1995): A Canadian release, these honey-graham cookies were shaped like characters and ships from the show, and offered a collection of six hologram stickers

If you’re trying to renew your source code it’s all about getting some whenever you can and by some I mean handfuls of dry egg shells

Why are people always talking about their grandkids? Get a life!!

They have made Sun Chips 100% illegal

Rhode Island is in Massachusetts

Have you considered how cool and sweet every single animal and plant and whatever else critter is?

I bet they will say the R word on SNL this year

No thanks, I prefer to play penultimate frisbee

Who is Tandem Smith?

Watching videos of the Amish using an escalator for the first time is as good as it gets

How much do you think people would pay to watch an Italian American eat a sandwich?

I love pasta don’t you love pasta?

Private schools should not exist.

The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell

Italians eat soup, salad, and bread sticks at every meal

I’ve never seen a Spider-Man movie but I know enough that they should stop making them and all other marble movies

I wish I could hear the Macarena right now

I’m here to remind you to feed the dog some fucking water

What if making a henge would solve everything?

It’s nice to hear hulk hogan is gone I needed some good news today

People spray cologne in the bathroom when they poop at work like it’s some genius hack. They just mix and then it smells weirder ya donkey

My number one dream is to see Molecular Lionel on the big stage

I’m just gonna say it, jeans are not comfortable

Let those horrible monsters cheat in peace

Cumbia is futuristic music

I woke up and it’s 2008 again

Have you heard of YouTube?

Genuinely asking, why do we poop but not peep? Real answers only

What cool is that when you get older you can still look like a cool mom or dad without actually being a mom or a dad or cool.

What are these shabboobie dolls?

Fixing NPR’s complicit headlines: “The Trump administration is encouraging poor White trash to breed new voters despite cuts to WIC, education, Medicaid, child care, and FEMA by dangling $1,000 in front of people who can’t even afford to give birth in a hospital.”

Growing up they always said to save for a rainy day, what they didn’t tell us is that it’s always raining

If you spend your time worrying about pests in your garden, you ain’t gardening, you’re fretting.

The greatest thing one can be is unemployable.

Now they are trying to tell me that Caitlin Clark is Italian??? Nope

Left my Airbuds on a plane and now they are in upstate NY. Anyone know who lives here?

Why so many banjos at the airport?

I feel like California exists in the Cars movie universe

Tom Cruise looks like an insurance salesman

“How often do you read the Guinness book?” -Gregg Turkington

I don’t know about you guys but stuff is always falling out of my ears