Someone chased me out of my office at 4:30 and I get to work from home tomorrow so I am maybe SLIGHTLY less salty about working this week

"White Christmas" is kinda a scary song if you think it's about global warming

Kinda neat that the last night of Hanukkah is on the solstice. Using MAXIMUM LIGHT to battle MAXIMUM DARKNESS

UGH what you mean I have to figure out what to eat AGAIN

It does not surprise me that the same people who think the point of writing is "having written" would also think the point of reading is "having read"

People say boycotts don't work, meanwhile Canada is out here putting labels on every single item in the grocery store so you know who to buy and shutting down factories like they're millenials killing the diamond industry

UPDATE currently on my way home on the métro, dressed like a disco ball, after chugging two vodka martinis Ask me anything

Laundry tag: Don't put this in the dryer! Me doing laundry:

It's your birthday, Duane.

When your redneck dad listened to a bunch of Pickup Truck Rock and now you're jamming to Foreigner in your kitchen in a foreign city

I bought a warm fuzzy rug so my bedroom floor wouldn't be so cold but I'm not used to it being there so every morning is a jump scare in the dark when I think I've stepped on my cat

You know who else died of a medical emergency in a detention center? Anne Frank

Me: I'm not really an upstate new yorker anymore, I haven't lived there in 20 years The upstate new yorker in me, upon hearing this news: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAH

Congratulations to everyone who gets an entire winter break that starts now. Happy for y'all. Really.

My mom was in a car accident when I was 10 and I spent the next 6 months changing her bedpan while she struggled to learn to walk again. Now she has pain every day of her life from all the metal rods & plates in her legs. Yes, she takes a wheelchair in airports even though she "can walk" GFY WSJ

❌ "Seasonal depression" ✅ "It's morbin' time"

HEY GUYS WE'RE DOING THE THING! Wish you could get away for a writing retreat but don't have the time/money? Then lock yourself in a room over Winter Break and join us at the Barrelhouse Write-In! Check it out & don't forget to follow the Write-In... see you there! www.barrelhousemag.com/writeins

A reminder that I'm running some writing classes in the first half of 2026. So a thread of those in case you (or someone you know) might be interested:

I would rather pay for a jillion gender confirmation surgeries than a single bomber. Or ICE salaries. Or whatever drug cocktail their pumping into that IV bruise on Trump's hand to keep him alive

If any journalist wants to talk to a trans man with a PhD in Human Genomics who was trained in labs that studied the evolution of sex, I'm right here Or just keep platforming Republicans who have a 5th grade understanding of biology so they get more trans people killed, sure 🤷🏻‍♂️

The way either one of my kids opens with "THERE'S NO PROBLEM or anything" instead of "hello" when they call me unexpectedly during the work day

Today in Fixed My Problems: I kept waking up with headaches from clenching my jaw and shoulders (even though I wear a mouthguard) Then I started sleeping in my Snuggie and it turns out I was clenching everything bc I was spending all night TRYING TO HANG ON TO THE BLANKET Anyway slept like a baby

Are these the same companies that told us the robot could do it?

If you're going to wring your hands about "kids on screens," then we need to make it so a) they don't have to download any apps for school, b) every carrier is required to sell either a decent flip phone or "light" phone, and c) pay phones exist You might also want to try stopping school shootings

Oh boy, I can't wait to connect with all the "Firstname (Kidname's Mom)"s from my phone

I was explaining to my son how the internet basically cooks some people's brains like an egg and he said "it's like that old-timey drugs commercial" My son is clever and also I'm really old

My favorite post also happens to be my most famous. I've seen it on Reddit and Facebook. But I still believe in this!

My Awards Eligibility post is "anyone who made it through this year should get an award" 🏆

A funny thing that happened is I *thought* I was signing up for a trial of one of those productivity app-blocking services but apparently what I did instead was BUY A LIFETIME SUBSCRIPTION FOR $99 😬😱 Thankfully that wasn't my grocery $ but I better be SO FREAKING PRODUCTIVE from now on

My son: Hmm, I'm up at 6 am, maybe if I just stay in my room, my parents won't notice Also my son: *is apparently belting out showtunes in there?*

HELL YES I'm so excited Fallout is coming back a day early, or as my husband calls it, "Fun Silo"

Working out at lunchtime so I can OUTLIVE MY ENEMIES

I am mad at fonts for making it so that I don't know when people are talking about weird A.I., Weird AL, or Allen Iverson being weird

Rob Reiner (1947–2025)

Hey peeps, many library cards will give you free access to Kanopy! Here are some horror movies they have in their library: The Vourdalak, A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night, Train to Busan, Exhuma, Let the Right One In, The Wicker Man, Birth/Rebirth, Titane, Late Night With the Devil, Ganja & Hess.

Lmfaoooooo this slapped so hard as a first night Hanukkah gift for an 11yo boy I WIN GIFT GIVING

My husband: We don't have to fry EVERYTHING in oil tonight Me: 😠 My husband: But Me: DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE ASSIGNMENT

Continuing my "bootleg thanksgiving" trend with "bootleg hanukkah" brought to you by Timbits

Grandchildren Politely Decline David Cronenberg’s Bedtime Story Offer https://theonion.com/grandchildren-politely-decline-david-cronenbergs-bedtime-story-offer/

Went to a holiday gathering at a bar and there was this gaggle of girls in their cute lil club outfits pre-gaming near us and I said "aww, it's just like when I used to come here in my 20s" and my friends were like WHAAAAAAAAAT as if I'd told them I used to be a spy

Talking about hockey with your girlfriends in 2025

Just ordered a shirt:

AI has infested one of my favorite internet time wasters: Tiny House videos 😠

One thing I was not aware of, as a convert raising my kids Jewish, was that my kids would be utterly unprepared for the cultural power of Hot Priest™️

Your semi-regular reminder that "in-progress" at Submittable does not mean anything. "In-progress" means somebody has done somethingwith it in the system, not that they read it. Your submission can be read (and rejected 🙃) without you ever seeing "in-progress"

Yeah everything is terrible but here is a cute brachiosaurus Happy Friday

Maybe it's just me, but doesn't it seem like everything is SUPER ANNOYING lately? Like everything requires endless paperwork, trying to do an administrative task is a slog, and EVERYONE is bitchy. And that's even IF you have enough money to pay rent & groceries, which I'm fortunate enough to do