It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

I put together the ultimate triathlon relay team. It’s me, a cheetah, and a dolphin. The only problem is the dolphin is really fucking us up on the bike section.

Worst mystery novel I’ve ever read. The thing in “What to expect when you’re expecting”? It’s just a baby.

I bet Pandora would be furious about how popular unboxing videos have become.

Beekeeper is the least impressive job. Buddy, I’VE got bees. Getting them to leave is the hard part.

Made the trolley problem harder.

The most relatable part of A Christmas Carol is a writer not making his Halloween deadline so just going, “Fuck it. They’re Christmas ghosts now.”

I would never get my kids an elf on the shelf because I wouldn’t trust an elf who had that job. That’s clearly the kind of remote outpost assignment they give you when you fuck up so bad they want to fire you but can’t risk making the reason why public.

mary: well, I just had a baby… in a barn. so, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. the gold, the perfumes. all things babies love. also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face. this… this was great.

becoming a dentist because I have a LOT of opinions on which toothpaste I recommend but right now nobody cares

wife: i’m leaving you me: [stuck in a water slide] good idea go get help

Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.

Actually “Happy Holidays” is way more offensive than Christmas greetings because nobody is happy now. The only PC greetings in 2024 are, “Hope global warming doesn’t ruin your trip” and, “Sorry your grandpa is racist, just try to enjoy the ham.”

Trying to teach kids about the source material so before Wicked I made them watch Wizard of Oz, The Wiz, and all 6 seasons of Oz.

friend: I just can’t tell if she liked me, like we just hugged goodbye me: like a half hug or full? how many arms did she use? friend (forgot to mention my friend is an octopus that’s important now): like, 5? me: damn man, yeah, I dunno then

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after? me: oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

No one wants to hang out with me anymore ever since I got a bad personality and became evil

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving. Haha, just a little joke to get us started. Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date] me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients. RECIPE SITE: Sure! ME: Thank you. RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients— ME: *Whispers* No. RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

Millennials, quit whining. I paid off $150,000 in student loans and own a $400,000 home, because I SAVE. It’s not that hard. I -Make coffee at home -Bus instead of Uber -Shop sales -Had parents pay off my loans & buy me a house because I’m daddy’s special boy -Got Hulu with ads

time traveler: i love your volcano pompeiian: our what? time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

I tell my cat “I know” whenever she meows but I’m gonna be honest, I have no fucking idea.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

[after leaving willy wonka’s factory] me: wife: me: wife: me: wife: lot of deaths for a to— me: a LOT of deaths for a tour!