did u guys know that when nuns get to heaven they finally get to consummate their marriage with god? i’m standing in the longest line i’ve ever seen…... thankfully one of the angels is getting me a fast pass bc they really DO see everything we do on earth & i impressed him

god just told me that he would’ve raptured you too but the prep u were doing gave him the ick…… he says, and this is a direct quote, “no thirsty bitches 😂😭😂😭”

my favorite part of watching football is when the players crouch on the ground like they’re in a production of CATS

a lot of people thinking they’ll get raptured tomorrow are forgetting the fact that god (famously) don’t like ugly

if we take acetaminophen while pregnant will the autism be generic or nah? i’m trying to have a savant

love greeting a dog with a formal “sir” or just a “ma’am” like i’m on a politician’s security detail

when a woman’s shoe size is 5 it’s like ok, whateverrrr. have fun with ur pitter patters

idk if i’m one of god’s favorites but i’m definitely in a competitive tier

don’t ask me how….. there are some things that u just know

the man is a comedian

you could never make me hate jared goff. he just lambeau leaped into the seats like a 3yo learning how to get out of the swimming pool on their own for the first time

aidan hutchinson i have been receiving your coded messages and i accept

Host @theashleyray.bsky.social sits down with guest @sydneybattle.bsky.social to talk about everything from True Crime to Love Island Season 6 in this week's episode of TV I Say — watch now:

guys what if it’s the punisher

giggling and golf clapping in front of my tv every other time alcaraz scores a point…. i need to find a new therapist

age gap this, intelligence gap that…. nobody’s talking about the one person has a great full name and the other person has a terrible name gap

Louisiana has refused to reconsider the conviction of the more than 1000, mostly Black, men sentenced by split juries — even though the Supreme Court ruled that those convictions are based on an inherently racist law

he looks like the man made out of saltwater taffy that the bob’s burgers kids started dragging around

started crying at an episode of 90 day fiancé uk. time to start taking ibuprofen; i know what’s coming for me

can’t believe i got to be a part of this…….. created by the sick, genius mind of cullen crawford— STRIP LAW. coming to your screens feb. 20th!!

pay no attention to the attached images I AM SELLING TEN MACBOOK PROS 600 DOLLARS EACH

New: Israel is starving Palestinians, forcing them to beg for donations on sites like Bluesky. Their accounts keep getting flagged as spam. www.theguardian.com/technology/2...

i need to book and/or get into a writers room i can feel my brain atrophying with every passing day

alright

soooo true…. but SOME people should question their talent level, to be honest (i think he’d agree)

No, but wait... this actually makes sense.

why did people believe him though….? like

when i’m stoned it feels like my brain is a chuck e. cheese and every thought is me putting a token into the ski slope machine to see if i can win it big my making all the coins fall off the ledge…. some thought tokens are useless and others change my reality (get me a lot of tickets)

nobody: somebody raised catholic: i was raised catholic

a tsunami watch…? aren’t we dealing with enough? katy perry might be dating justin trudeau for god’s sake

if i was lizzie mcguire’s friend and saw the way her brother was terrorizing her i would’ve called cps

this happened to me once. trust me when i say this guy’s life is about to take off…. congrats brother

ultimately “one less lonely girl” by justin bieber is a song about the power of community outreach

obsessed with the “historical novel” carrie is writing in “and just like that” that we haven’t seen her do a shred of research for. i just know she’s writing it based on the vibe of the house and nothing more. beautiful

now that i’m an adult i find myself really relating to the principal in the lil mama song “lip gloss”…. if i’d just run out of my expensive lip gloss and was looking to buy a new one and saw one i liked i would ask about it... even if it required disrupting her education, sure

really relate to carrie bradshaw in the sense that sometimes i make the absolute dumbest decisions in the world and yet things just somehow work out for me…. it’s a horrible, enabling, insufferable trait and it’s incredible

if it was 2015 we’d have approximately 50 different buzzfeed quizzes about what your choice of zit patch brand to wear in public says about you…. instead i’m forced to make up my own results in my head

i like dating older guys because they’re always saying stuff like “you’re getting me all worked up” or “i have to exercise or i’ll die”

before things kick up any further i want it on the record that i’m flat footed

love beets so much…. i love how much influence they have over our bodies… they make their presence known in a way that i admire and want for myself

i wish we could bring nikola tesla to the present and tell him about everything that’s happened with his name and etc but specifically the david bowie version from the prestige. to be clear i want to bring back nikola tesla but as played by david bowie playing nikola tesla

David Lynch said it best— fix your hearts or die

propaganda we’re all falling for: sydney battle should play dr. langdon’s exhausted wife in season 2 of THE PITT

Hey instead of upending wheelchairs to see if people are scamming you why don’t you try to get the film industry back in this country or better yet fall in a big smooth-walled hole

A favorite of the Woods Hole Film Festival last year! It'd be the scariest film of recent years if it also wasn't very heartfelt and funny!

HIM (the girl version) is now available to rent/buy on apple tv & amazon! I’m in this! It’s about the final 5 contestants of a reality dating show 🌹 realizing they’ve been manipulated into falling for a loser. it would mean the world if you watched our indie film tv.apple.com/us/movie/him...

clocking back in

i love that booing makes the knicks play better. can’t get more new york than that tbh

i just don’t think that after their behavior in the previous week, (and last couple hundred years) that the state of indiana deserves to feel joy

me after another long day of trying to get the attention of the casting directors for the pitt