One downside of not having kids makes it difficult to beg for your life if you're ever taken hostage in a bank heist. "Please don't hurt me! I'm childless! All alone! Literally, no one is counting on me!"

I looked it up and it turns out that the services are actually plumbing.

I'm Nike in the streets, Hoka in the sheets.

trump or Pope? Choose your fighter. #trumpvspope

Not to brag, but I can get my texts and emails ignored by some pretty important people.

ProPublica obtained a vast cache of IRS information showing how billionaires like Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk pay little in income tax compared to their massive wealth — sometimes, even nothing. (Published 2021)

All gave some. Some gave all. #sad

It's unlikely that I will ever teach an acting class but take it from me... The secret to playing a doctor on TV is knowing when to take your glasses out of your lab coat pocket and put them on. #acting #protip

Please post your favorite photo of yourself from 2006 in the thread. Go!

Behold, the republican health care plan.

Creepy Miranda Warning. Just me?

Gov. Pritzker: "I know the Republicans say Democrats aren't patriotic. We're more patriotic. We believe in this country more than they do. They're tearing down the laws. They're operating in an unconstitutional fashion. They elected somebody who is ruining our democracy."

“You’re alienating half of your audience by being political” Motherfucker, my “audience” is people who aren’t pieces of shit, who care about others. That’s who I make stuff for. There is no “other half”.

Hear me out, what if we didn’t put the stupidest and most corrupt people in charge of America?

Hegseth just fired the Army Chief Gen Randy George. Immediately. Gen George the most competent and experienced combat leaders I have ever encountered. Courage. Integrity. Takes care of soldiers. A government of gangsters.

What's the sickest/funniest burn anyone has ever commented on one of your videos? I'll start: "This guy looks like Alan One-dyk."

the president of the United States is a madman seriously damaging the entire world

HOLLYWOOD PRO TIP: He's not going to text you back.

I read that there's a "Loneliness Epidemic" in men. My biggest concern is that men may try to solve this epidemic by using a "Spend Time With Me" approach.

Never say never, just say probably never.

Massive nationwide protests against Oligarchy and Tyranny in the US, hundreds of thousands took the streets across every major city and everywhere in between. #NoKings #3E #EndImpunity #EndAutogenocide #EndOligarchy

Omg! Huge shoutout to San Francisco, CA! Ocean Beach, you crushed it! 🌊

Do you like men? @myqkaplan.bsky.social is a hilarious man. MEN!!! www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTCH...

@mattknudsen.bsky.social Nancy Lee, Doug Mellard, Maggie Maye and I made this. youtu.be/baI_pd0rMLo

Normally my interest in March Madness peaks when it's over and I ask, "who won?" That said, GO BIG RED!!! #marchmadness

What do you guys have planned for the Sheriff Country, Fire Country crossover event?

I just heard the news that Chuck Norris killed death!

This episode has the word's best @marthakelly.bsky.social @bryangutmann.bsky.social @mattknudsen.bsky.social @mrdavehill.bsky.social & @alisonrosen.bsky.social podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/e...

It's OK to give up before the miracle.

“The government is no longer governing. It is mirroring. This is not merely dysfunction. It is psychological collapse at government scale. Entire agencies behave like cult members mirroring their leader’s mood—because, in essence, they are.”

You did such a great job that you’re fired.

You're right, LA sucks.

As a comedian, I'm a better writer than I am a performer. And I am not a good writer.

I've watched this cactus slowly grow into a man surrendering.

Truly one of the funniest things I've seen in the wild. 😀

I work with a real jerk, can't stand him, don't even think he knows my name. Today he's suddenly the nicest guy here. Knows my name, knows everyone's name. He's playing the piano. Just saw him surprise a young couple with wrestlemania tickets.

Jesus was woke.

I’m hearing good things about the Melania movie.

FACT: When you're just dating someone, they're not going to help you figure out how you got diarrhea.

I think we can all agree that bidet is the most elegant sounding word possible for something that blasts shit off your asshole.

From the radical left freedom haters at... check notes, The USA Today...

Please sound off in the comments if you're OK with federal agents murdering people.

She was absolutely right. And she would have been an amazing President.

It's official. I'm tired of winning. #sad

How big of an idiot is he? When you say he's an idiot, you immediately know it's him. #sad

I'm a tight cannon.

It's official, I'm tired of winning.

So the 'Can't you just shoot them, just shoot them in the legs or something?' has some thoughts... #iran #sad

Years ago, I saw Kenny Rogers at The Hollywood Bowl. Mid-show he said, "Folks, I'd like you all to give a nice hand to my good friend Sean Hayes." A spotlight shown on Sean Hayes in the middle of the crowd. He stood, waved, and sat down. Kenny then went on with the show. I'll never forget it.