Just found this on the doormat Me: I don’t understand what party this is Husband: The Two Days Late Party?!

Two years ago, I delayed my first meeting with the man who would become my husband, because I had a bad cold. I haven't had one since, and this is why. arianesherine.substack.com/p/why-i-neve...

Very pleased to have zero Reform, Tory or Christian People's Alliance councillors in Newham! We might be one of the very poorest boroughs but this is extremely comforting. Seat totals are as follows: Labour Party: 26 Newham Independents Party: 24 Green Party: 16

In 2020, I had a book published by Hachette called How to Live to 100. As a stunt, we wanted to post free copies to celebs who were nearly 100, eg The Queen, Prince Philip and Desmond Tutu. David Attenborough is the only one of these people who has made it to 100. www.waterstones.com/book/how-to-...

Not only is this duvet cover 'adequate quality', it's also 'fascinating'! Who could ask for more?

First time voting as a married couple! And first time I’ve ever been accosted with leaflets and encouragement to vote a certain way outside the station. Not sure that should be allowed!

I loved getting married: the sheer romance of committing the rest of my life to my forever man. The time we’ll spend together, being happy; the simple matching white gold rings we’ll wear, hopefully for 40+ years, until we’re buried in adjacent graves. arianesherine.substack.com/p/i-discover...

It should be mandatory - the parents should have no choice.

What happened at our tiny romantic wedding: "I’d never been in a Rolls Royce before, especially not a vintage 1958 model with no seat belts or wing mirrors! It did have ashtrays though. I was amazed that we were allowed to cruise down the road!" arianesherine.substack.com/p/what-happe...

I do love that Sarah Vine has “worse than sex with a dead pig” in her bio. At least she has a sense of humour.

A very special thank you to my amazing author friend @garypanton.co.uk and his adorable wife Delithea for being our two marriage witnesses yesterday. We couldn't have done it without them (both literally and figuratively!). And they got us a generous wedding gift. We hope to be as happy as they are.

Met up with the musical comedy legend that is @MitchBenn.bsky.social for a catch up in Edinburgh. It had been 17 years since our last meet-up, which was his recording for the audiobook of The Atheist’s Guide to Christmas. Before that we gigged on the stand-up scene in 2003 and went to see Kill Bill!

Guys, rookie error: if you want to have an arm wrestle, put your elbows on the table.

Just married! So happy to be Mrs Ariane Sherine Juniper. Can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with this wonderful man.

Today is my last day as an unmarried woman. I was a bit worried about my bridal makeup - I feared I'd turned myself a Trumpian orange! - so we did a fun makeup trial photo shoot with my hair in curlers in Edinburgh with a brolly. But the weather tomorrow is predicted to be as sunny as our happiness.

Just had my bridal hair done so am giving it the full Nora Batty all day!

We are in bonny Scotland and just walked past an estate agent selling a LITERAL ISLAND with a castle! If you have a spare £5.5 million lying around (and who doesn’t?), it could be yours.

Before and after a year of Mounjaro

Getting ready for our wedding Me: The salon lady waxed all the fake tan off my bum Fiancé: Don’t worry, I don’t think the registrar will make you get your bum out during the ceremony!

There are lots of euphemisms bandied about in waxing: ‘upper lip’, not ‘the full Tom Selleck’; ‘chin’, not ‘ZZ Top’; ‘bikini’, not ‘beef curtains’; ‘full body wax’, not ‘I am a gorilla’. arianesherine.substack.com/p/its-undera...

I am now picturing tiny mice fitted with red light face masks, stretching their little paws out in contentment

“But feel free to take off all your other clothes and bang away!”

I responded to the news that my fiancé and I might suffer vision loss by buying a big bag of carrots. Sadly, it turns out you actually have to eat the boring orange fuckers if they’re to improve your eyesight, and can’t stick them anywhere else. Sad times! arianesherine.substack.com/p/we-got-our...

Remembering when I went on Victoria Derbyshire to talk about receiving an unsolicited dick pic, and a man on Twitter snapping, 'I don't wish to hear the words "erect penis" during breakfast!' He didn't say *when* he wished to hear them, or whether he wished to *see* the penis in question instead.

"I am still finding it baffling that they didn’t want £20,000 of my money purely because I'm an American citizen. If they’d cited the Iran War as a reason, that would have at least made some sort of sense - though it wasn't really my doing." arianesherine.substack.com/p/discrimina...

I wish medieval artists didn’t use so much generative AI back in the day. It’s so obvious.

I have four close friends. Is that weirdly few? Possibly not at this age. I once saw a funny tweet which said, ‘Jesus’s one true miracle was having 12 close friends in his thirties’. arianesherine.substack.com/p/the-perks-...

Amusing comment on a set of anal beads

I plucked my fiancé's unibrow on a train and got glared at. I realise that many of you won’t agree with me, but a bit of surreptitious plucking isn’t hurting anyone, or taking up space, or making a noise (not even a Michael Jackson-style ‘owww!’) arianesherine.substack.com/p/i-plucked-...

Fiancé got his DNA results back and discovered he is 15% French, so that means I can go 'hon-he-hon-he-hon' at him 15% of the time, right?

When we first met, I was hugely fat and was wearing an incredibly unflattering black sequinned top. But somehow, my boyfriend fell in love with me anyway. And that means the world to me, because it means he’ll still love me when I eventually lose my looks again. open.substack.com/pub/arianesh...

Fiancé is trying to determine how vegan I am Fiancé: Would you swat a midge? Me: Not Midge Ure. Even though he means nothing to me

This is why it's important authors read a lot, Murakami has no idea this has been done already

My daughter turns 15 today and wants to be prime minister. She doesn’t especially want to hold any of the great offices of state first — Chancellor holds no appeal, let alone Agriculture and Fisheries. No: she just wants to parachute right in at the top. arianesherine.substack.com/p/my-daughte...

Beyoncé doesn’t have to beg people to watch her music videos. Mariah Carey doesn’t text her friends and plead with them to like and comment on her YouTube uploads. Alas, I am not a global pop superstar - and so I have to resort to such desperate tactics. arianesherine.substack.com/p/in-which-a...

My dear friend @arianesherine.bsky.social wrote, produced, and performs her beautiful and personal song When I Was Your Age

Glad I didn’t Mounjaro away my D-cup bazoombas! Would rather be a size 12 with big airbags than an 8 with flat norks.

Daughter turns 15 tomorrow. This is my funniest memory of her: Me: What did you do at school? 8yo: Painted some penis Me: You painted WHAT?! 8yo (exasperated): Penis Me: Say it again?! 8yo: Penis! You know, the flowers? Me (greatly relieved): PEONIES! 8yo (crossly): Yes, that's what I said!

Here's the exquisite, hypnotic DonQuibeats remix of my track When I Was Your Age, featuring the strangest, most unsettling opening shot to any music video ever. (Sound up!) www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDvu...

Last week, I made a joke online about the 4B movement. It’s a feminist movement where women vow not to date men, marry men, have sex with men, or have children with men. I quipped, ‘I thought 4B was a soft pencil, not a movement to wipe out the species!’ arianesherine.substack.com/p/im-such-a-...

'Yet to try it!' Love how useful Amazon reviews are.

Out this Friday is When I Was Your Age, the title track from my debut album Better. (It should be called Better, but giving a song the same title as your album is a bad move these days as Siri won't know which one she's meant to play!) Spotify pre-save: distrokid.com/hyperfollow/...

Thanks, Plaistow Cafe, but I already has brown everything. I'm not paying £20 for it.

Some of the best people I know are nondescript. Physical appearance is no indicator of moral value or worth — it’s an accident of genetics. And some breathtakingly beautiful people are the worst, bitchiest people I’ve ever encountered. arianesherine.substack.com/p/why-does-i...

LOL, fiancé is so jealous Me: I’m just reading an email from Martin Fiancé (suspiciously): Who’s Martin? Me (rolling eyes): Martin Lewis from Money Saving Expert!

Today I tried to open an ISA with Trading212, who are headquartered in London, where I was born and have always lived - to learn that I can’t use their services as I’m a US dual national. I’ve only ever been to the States once for two weeks! Frankly this is mental, and I say this as a mental person.

Hey @trading212.bsky.social, please can you explain why I can't open an ISA just because I happen to hold dual American citizenship as well as British? I was born in the UK, have lived here all my life, pay my taxes here and have only visited the US once. This feels a bit discriminatory and wrong..?

If I saved £350 a month, I’d accrue nearly £60k over the next 14 years — but would perhaps forfeit a lot of joy? After all, you can’t take anything with you when you die. (Unless you build a pyramid, and they’re not cheap. Imagine the planning permission!) arianesherine.substack.com/p/i-need-to-...

Just filed my UK tax return. Yes, I *would* like a medal and round of applause! It always amuses me how encrypted the HMRC website is. If someone else wants to log in, file my taxes and pay the little I owe, please let them. Sincerely, No Name (HMRC sure know how to make a girl feel special!)