like i can TELL in some way that ive lost weight, but im somehow simultaneously seeing myself and skinny and huge at exactly the same time idk

heavily torn between wanting to speedrun back to my LW and wanting to let the ortho take over to get some good muscle gains

my god im like someone uncle

heavily fell off the wagon trying to convince myself that i don't care about cals so that i could force a bigger growth spurt, but actually fuck that bullshit. eating makes me viscerally depressed why is my mental state only okay when im restricting

my god i have the most horrible sore throat it literally woke me up out of my sleep at midnight with pain. be so fr

i habe to wait until tmr to lax purge kill me kill me kill me i want it now now

november layout smooches

im a full bmi point above where i was last halloween, lord if im not at my shit by christmas nobody in my real life is going to see or hear from me until im in a ditch somewhere

blessed samhain 🧡 not counting cals today, and im gonna leave some candy on the altar with my prayers to encourage sweetness from the gods and ancestors. hope everyone is feeling well and has a good holiday despite everything we typically suffer through here. your cals are on me tonight

it just sucks that keeping herself away from our parents for her safety and wellbeing also means having to keep herself away from me. she was the only person who ever cared enough to keep me safe and stable, and now shes just gone and i cant even be mad at her for it

i was excited to give out candy and do halloween with my sister but she's not coming to stay until the day after :/ im happy to see her at all but it really kills me that shes never around on any real holiday, its not the same

trying to get my dinner and suddenly getting trauma dumped on by my mother about her horrible childhood as if that should make up for the fact that she abused me throughout all of mine

throwing back energy drinks like it's water and then wondering why my stomach hurts

also- if you would have told me last year that i would get so tall within a few short months of a growth spurt that i could be low-bmi 15 while my weight was in the triple digits, i would have laughed in ur damn face THIS IS CRAZY

satisfied w the weigh in today ,, thinking it might be possible to be 100lbs by samhain if i fast most of this week

non-disordered ppl love to throw around the word/phrase "pro-4na" like it's GODDAMN CANDY 👎👎 for the gods sake, learn the difference between being disordered and expressing that disorder in a way that keeps you alive long enough to consider recov some day, and encouraging other people to be sick.

my aromantic ass watching moots on the tl talk about their relationships

that certain brand of self loathing and particular self harm method i had at my lw is back in full force today maybe this means i really will be at my ugw for christmas 🤩🤩

fell asleep at like 8pm now im awakd at 2am. okay sure okay. can my body let me sleep for more than 6 hrs at a time IM LITERALLY ⭐️VING MYSELF I THINK I NEED THE REST AND ENERGY THANKS ?????????

if i could express the way im feeling about my disorder rn without sounding disgustingly pro-ana or like im trying to encourage other ppl to stay sick, i would be posting a novel length string of posts

like i know i developed the disorder at nine years old, but why the fuck exactly is it that i only feel stable when im actively disordered and trying to get better makes me feel like my spirit is being ripped into a million horrid pieces by the gods themselves. can i be normal.

my height went up, my weight went down, AND I STILL LOOK BIGGER 🫩👎👎👎 i hate being anorexic my life would be so much easier if i was capable of recovering without immediately replacing it with substance abuse and getting 100000x more depressed and violently suicidal

parents said they were leaving for groceries and drove so far they nearly crossed state lines. what the hell are yall DOIN

FOR FUUUCCKK SAKKKEEEE my fitness watch keeps on randomly stopping my workout timer/tracker without any fucking warning and refusing to let me continue it without restarting the whole damn thing 🫩🫩🫩🫩🫩

and yet im still having res insomnia . RELEASE MEEEEE

coke zero with a red otterpop instead of ice save meeee save me coke zero with an otterpop save me

soz for being so inactive recently chat im trying to do better abt upping my intake until this growth spurt period is over because i CANNOT be stunting any more height growth than i already have, but i feel so disgusting that i dont even wanna acknowledge being disordered, i feel like SUCH a fake

major protein day today. too many kcals and its not even dinner yet but ive had so much protein and veggies that im not even going to let myself freak out about it

// sh . today was very much not a good day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! very horrible! not okay! not good!

he did it today and she said yes. why can't she just wake the fuck up and realize she deserves so much better than his pathetic ass, im heartbroken

dont let this fool you i ruined everything and ate 6 cookies and a muffin 👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎 worst ana

another beautiful salad today yippee

i fucking hate being fucking sober, i don't even have anybody to stay sober for right now whats the point if they still dont fucking like me when ive been sober for months

why is it so fucking easy for everyone i care about to just stop liking me. i always end up sidelined, ik im not that fun to be around but jesus fucking christ

jusy gonna gaslight myself into saying it's fine it's not a failure i'm just fueling the growth spurt i'm going through rn. it's fine it's just gonna help me get taller it's fine it's okay the only weight i'm gonna gain is from height it's okay i just need to stretch and workout for a while

goddamn my incessant need to feel a connection to my mommy and the only good things she did for me through using food

ate my entire cal limit just in lunch alone idk maybe i should fucking **** ** **** *** ********!!!!!!!!! i guess im breaking my legs to burn as much as humanly possible again today

would this be a good time to let you guys know that im actually allergic to apples and have to take a benadryl every time i eat one uncooked because of OAS

apparently pterest knows im very green coded

bowl looks an absolute mess but here's breakfast

dying and cutting hair instead of irresponsibly sizing up my gauges sigh

its only been 3 weeks since the last time i sized up my gauges but.. im so impatient. im not going to bc i dont wanna blowout. but oh my god i wanna be to 4g before my sister gets here tmr

okay now ik for damn sure that my habits are relapsing bc im counting damn vitamin tablet calories. can i be fucking normal

my beautiful grilled chicken and pomegranate salad 🤩🤩

man i do NOOTTTT look like my bmi what the hell. the scale must have been wrong this morning there is no way my fatass is under bmi 16 i look AT LEAST 17.5

my back hurts so so fucking bad but if i dont do my sit ups today im gonna spiral and feel like a huge massive disgusting cow so let's hope that some ibuprofen will be enough to help

just measured myself again this morning bc the growing pains have been ridiculous, i feel like im in one of those medieval torture stretching machines 🥴 but getting taller might be the best thing that's ever happened to me actually bc wdym im over 100lbs and under bmi 16

gross im disgusting okay goodnight

Reminder to all my lovely ed moots: You all deserve better than this life, this disorder, this bingeing and purging and restricting and negative self talk, better than the people and situations that put you here and keep you here. You deserve so much fucking better. You are worth so much more.