comparing myself to my lw bcs might actually be the thing to kill me 🥲 89lbs come back daddy misses you

having my edible with some halo top because someone on tt said they work better if theres something for it to cling onto while it digests 😛🤞the strawberry flavor is goated, idk if i can even stomach real ice cream atp actually,,, its like trying to drink regular soda after only having diet for years

i FINALLY had the chance to make myself a real meal because the parents left, then immediately as i was pulling the food out to get cooking i got a call from father saying they were already on their way back to the house 🫩 had to put everything back, ig this was my sign to just not eat today

why is it constantly falling on me to decide what the family is eating for dinner nearly this entire week WHEN WE MAAADDEEE A MENUUU bruh i dont want ANYTHING! i would like to just not eat!! why does the responsibility keep falling onto me idgaf what you guys fuckin eat!!!!!!!!

screaming and crying for low 15s again.. im stuck in bmi 16 jail just fluctuating between the same 3lbs and its KILLING ME

haven't been posting because i am so not locked in and gained so so much 🥲 (like 6 pounds, literally nothing but it feels like so much to me) and idk i just feel like nobody gives a fuck about what i have going on unless im back where i was when i made this acc. will try to post more tho 🤞🤞

bagel sandwich and a 2hr nap today 😛🤞 highkey dont want to eat again until tomorrow but my arms and shoulders look pitiful so i need to put some muscle on them sigh

i want to get worse again so so bad

oh my godddd im still working on body recomp and building muscle mass, but its damn near IMPOSSIBLE for me to eat above a deficit 🥴 im hitting an avg of 1700 every day and im supposed to be hitting ~2500..... how does one person even manage to eat THAT much. my stomach is fuckeddd from starvation

ive lowkey been nauseous all day 😢 i would love to blame it on the caffeine and junk food but i was already feeling yucky before i even got out of bed so i think the bad food is just making it worse :// soup for my birthday dinner though so hopefully that will help

spot the diff 😛😛

the muffin i wanted for breakfast tasted like straight ass and sugar so we made a spinach omelet instead 💔

some jackass on my street keeps on starting up and revving their loud ass douchebag car at 9pm every fucking night for the past week. how long do we think it lasts before they get a brick through their windshield

anyway, update after my 2 week disappearance : the 0rth0 decided to take over my brain so im definitely not in recov but i am intentionally trying to gain some weight, just muscle though. i want to bulk up as much as i can and then lean out. not healthily by any means but its something

me versus talking with total strangers on the internet

like i can TELL in some way that ive lost weight, but im somehow simultaneously seeing myself and skinny and huge at exactly the same time idk

heavily torn between wanting to speedrun back to my LW and wanting to let the ortho take over to get some good muscle gains

my god im like someone uncle

heavily fell off the wagon trying to convince myself that i don't care about cals so that i could force a bigger growth spurt, but actually fuck that bullshit. eating makes me viscerally depressed why is my mental state only okay when im restricting

my god i have the most horrible sore throat it literally woke me up out of my sleep at midnight with pain. be so fr

i habe to wait until tmr to lax purge kill me kill me kill me i want it now now

november layout smooches

im a full bmi point above where i was last halloween, lord if im not at my shit by christmas nobody in my real life is going to see or hear from me until im in a ditch somewhere

blessed samhain 🧡 not counting cals today, and im gonna leave some candy on the altar with my prayers to encourage sweetness from the gods and ancestors. hope everyone is feeling well and has a good holiday despite everything we typically suffer through here. your cals are on me tonight

it just sucks that keeping herself away from our parents for her safety and wellbeing also means having to keep herself away from me. she was the only person who ever cared enough to keep me safe and stable, and now shes just gone and i cant even be mad at her for it

i was excited to give out candy and do halloween with my sister but she's not coming to stay until the day after :/ im happy to see her at all but it really kills me that shes never around on any real holiday, its not the same

trying to get my dinner and suddenly getting trauma dumped on by my mother about her horrible childhood as if that should make up for the fact that she abused me throughout all of mine

throwing back energy drinks like it's water and then wondering why my stomach hurts

also- if you would have told me last year that i would get so tall within a few short months of a growth spurt that i could be low-bmi 15 while my weight was in the triple digits, i would have laughed in ur damn face THIS IS CRAZY

satisfied w the weigh in today ,, thinking it might be possible to be 100lbs by samhain if i fast most of this week

non-disordered ppl love to throw around the word/phrase "pro-4na" like it's GODDAMN CANDY 👎👎 for the gods sake, learn the difference between being disordered and expressing that disorder in a way that keeps you alive long enough to consider recov some day, and encouraging other people to be sick.

my aromantic ass watching moots on the tl talk about their relationships

that certain brand of self loathing and particular self harm method i had at my lw is back in full force today maybe this means i really will be at my ugw for christmas 🤩🤩

fell asleep at like 8pm now im awakd at 2am. okay sure okay. can my body let me sleep for more than 6 hrs at a time IM LITERALLY ⭐️VING MYSELF I THINK I NEED THE REST AND ENERGY THANKS ?????????

if i could express the way im feeling about my disorder rn without sounding disgustingly pro-ana or like im trying to encourage other ppl to stay sick, i would be posting a novel length string of posts

like i know i developed the disorder at nine years old, but why the fuck exactly is it that i only feel stable when im actively disordered and trying to get better makes me feel like my spirit is being ripped into a million horrid pieces by the gods themselves. can i be normal.

my height went up, my weight went down, AND I STILL LOOK BIGGER 🫩👎👎👎 i hate being anorexic my life would be so much easier if i was capable of recovering without immediately replacing it with substance abuse and getting 100000x more depressed and violently suicidal

parents said they were leaving for groceries and drove so far they nearly crossed state lines. what the hell are yall DOIN

FOR FUUUCCKK SAKKKEEEE my fitness watch keeps on randomly stopping my workout timer/tracker without any fucking warning and refusing to let me continue it without restarting the whole damn thing 🫩🫩🫩🫩🫩

and yet im still having res insomnia . RELEASE MEEEEE

coke zero with a red otterpop instead of ice save meeee save me coke zero with an otterpop save me

soz for being so inactive recently chat im trying to do better abt upping my intake until this growth spurt period is over because i CANNOT be stunting any more height growth than i already have, but i feel so disgusting that i dont even wanna acknowledge being disordered, i feel like SUCH a fake

major protein day today. too many kcals and its not even dinner yet but ive had so much protein and veggies that im not even going to let myself freak out about it

he did it today and she said yes. why can't she just wake the fuck up and realize she deserves so much better than his pathetic ass, im heartbroken

dont let this fool you i ruined everything and ate 6 cookies and a muffin 👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎 worst ana

another beautiful salad today yippee

i fucking hate being fucking sober, i don't even have anybody to stay sober for right now whats the point if they still dont fucking like me when ive been sober for months