I bet I could take Flubber in a fight

Pluribus got me wanting to go raid a Sprouts

Head like a damn Virtua Fighter character

Please help my friend Ben, if you don’t I will cry and it’ll be your fault.

I haven’t actually watched The Chair Company yet, but I love The Carpenters and Aimee Mann, so yeah I’d say it’s my #1 show of the year

I wonder what it would be like to experience an emotion besides anger

Dudes stay rockin

This is how my cat, Mister Friend, hid from the vacuum. A certified genius.

Danny Brown, an American, has created the best UK grime album of all time USA! USA! USA!!

Call them: Schumer (NY) 202 224-6542 Booker (NJ) 202 224-3224 King (ME) 202 224-5344 Hassan (NH) 202 224-3324 Durbin (IL) 202 224-2152 Ossoff (GA) 202 224-3521 Shaheen (NH) 202 224-2841 Gillibrand (NY) 202 224-4451 Masto (NV) 202 224-3542 Warner (VA) 202 224-2023 Fetterman (PA) No Point

Democrats couldn’t even make it five full days before reminding us they’re a party of losers

The Buccaneers are 6-2? That feels like it should be illegal.

My second choice on the matter. Unforgettable.

I’m still not 100% on why, but this ending affected me on such a profound level that I had to leave as soon as the credits began because I was crying so hard.

“A delayed game is eventually—“ And that’s as far as the Take Two C-suite read the quote.

Goofy has killed and he WILL kill again

Going to Jersey Mike’s to celebrate a national hero

I think if they did deaging on Richard Kind he’d come out looking exactly the same

If we’re really doing “the politics of this show are milquetoast and that’s why it’s bad and unfunny”, then we’re gonna need to send dozens of classic Simpsons episodes to the moon, and I’m simply not for that.

*to the tune of “Counting Blue Cars”* 🎶 Tell me all your thoughts on Zohran 🎶 🎶 If you want to be on Fox News 🎶

So does anyone cool wanna run for mayor of LA, or are we gonna get the usual cabal of dipshits and evil mall owners?

School boards all over have been overhauled. Crazy this happens in an off-year election where turnout is typically limited to people who are dying or already dead.

Taking a break from talking shit to share the apex predator that lives in my house

I can’t believe Dick Cheney dying wasn’t the best thing that happened today. Wow.

Andrew Cuomo to be exiled on Staten Island to write his memoirs where he was right about everything, actually. Joaquin Phoenix will play him in the biopic directed by Ridley Scott.

Democrats win, with no help from those damn Democrats

Pierogis or Death

Hey if anyone needs me to vote yes on Prop 50 for them lemme know, I’m just hanging out. Doesn’t matter if you live in California or not, I’ll vote for you, no problem.

Watch out for the chips, they have ridges!!

Imagine shooting your friend in the face and that doesn’t even make the top ten of worst things you did in life

*Dave Chappelle getting really serious 50 minutes in a set* My friend Dick Cheney died. He fucking died.

“I don’t believe in God or Heaven, but I do believe in Hell” is my most Catholic opinion

Make Trump deliver Cheney’s eulogy. It’s exactly what that bastard deserves. I don’t believe in God or Heaven, but I do believe in Hell and he’s Halliburning there now.

Got here as fast as I could

Been rewatching You’re the Worst and it always blows me away the best depiction of how Iraq War vets have been treated is a series that’s mostly about foot fetish and blowjob jokes

Fuck off Kindle with ads. Why don’t you go to Hell, Kindle with ads.

Now that LA won, the real game begins: dodging celebratory bullets raining from the sky

Welp, there’s always game eight!

He was pretending the ball was Chris Rock.

If they play into daylight savings fall back they should have to restart the game.

Boy a headline like this really drives home that valuation is simply fake

I think my dream job would be music supervisor, and I’d just recommend “Baby Elephant Walk” for every soundtrack choice

I could win The Long Walk. When they start doing The Long Walk, which they will, I’m gonna win it.

Work fridge has no Diet Dr Pepper, only Diet Coke, but it’s okay I’ll still keep drinking that garbage