Work bought me the usual champagne for my birthday, but also this posh cosmetic product formulations book we looked at recently... That I don't really need, cos it's my literal job, but makes my desk look more professional ❤️

The morning after pre-birthday drinks was not the best time for the calisthenics instructor to start teaching us handstands *on a Bosu ball* but I didn't die, so. Although one could argue I shouldn't be upside down when a little inebriated, still.

Work husband is a Geordie and, as such, has literally forced (👀) the 6th pint in 2 hours down my throat. "But its your birthday!" "Tomorrow, let's not pretend this isn't for you also" "I'm going toilet and you aren't complaining that I'm buying" "mmhmm"

Genuinely look forward to the naughty midnight tequila shot more than the actual birthday 😅 roll on midnight!

I wanna know how the lads in Heated Rivalry even start to like each other or get into their sex life when they cum in 3 seconds

Someone yelled "Nice top!" at me, in the street. I thought they were flirting with me, but, no, just liked my jumper.

I guess America just stopped believing in cancer and the Johnson & Johnson thing just didn't happen. Money talks.

Same.

Behold, Reform being too woke for Reform voters 😭 but they aren't the party for racists, are they. Imagine a Reform councillor looking moderate.

"I don't like you because you're almost 39 and have barely aged in years. I think you're finally starting, then remember the line under your eye is a scar, not an eye bag" "...thanks, mum?" "and you don't even moisturise"

Trump wouldn't be asking for $5bn he doesn't need if he didn't know it would anger right wingers who stupidly think the BBC is "woke" and want to end publicly funded, independent TV.

Imagine MAGA reading that and automatically agreeing. Because they will. They are, quite simply, the worst of America. Pun intended, as they're also simple.

Never underestimate Manchester's ability to spontaneously form lakes whenever it rains.

Not as alarming as events in Australia, but I'm really noticing people who have never been antisemitic rush to express sadness over it, because they were previously called antisemitic for having the audacity to be critical of Israel. Why is it so hard to hate all murderers equally 😅

Birthday presents have started to arrive but flatmate is stealing them to hide in his room; he thinks I'll open them early, like a child 🙄

Given my Saturday night into Sunday afternoon, my sex life is definitely back.

The entire world: yeah, formaldehyde causes cancer, it's pretty bad, let's stop using it Trump: chemical lobbyists wanna force it into widespread use again? Let's do it, I certainly won't be making money from it

Snog is such a weird word. Snog. It gives me the ick.

Ruined him.

Because it IS a fucking Christmas film, fuck you very much

My mate spent our drive home from the gym trying hard to convince me that Hinge and other not-Grindr apps "are for dating, not sex", because I accept none of that delusion. The two guys he connected with today both immediately asked if he's top or bottom. The timing. It was perfection. It was art.

This is not what The Gays thought when he said he'd snap our spines

I cocked up at work and admitted it right away. Naturally I'm persona non grata because it'll cost money to fix. People who throw money away and sit on projects and mistakes for half a year, who then give me tiny deadlines to the point of hours sometimes, angry at me because I rushed and messed up.

Colleague 1: it's the Chenille Colleague 2: *eyes widen* Me: *looks at colleague 2* Colleague 2: *shakes head violently* My brain: don't do it My brain: don't do it My brain: don't you FUCKING DARE Colleague 2: *telepathically begs not to do it* Me: *willpower crumbles* Me:

This would be a great humblebrag on LinkedIn. "As wd must all come together this time of year, I had a spare few £ and randomly picked these up for the kids who..." yada yada yada.

Work doing Mission Christmas this year and, as a sucker for a children's cause, I went overboard buying gifts for the drop box. I bought presents last night, too.

My mate went for a shag in what turned out to be a brothel, where escorts and clients were doing at least weed. His protest that that's the only drug they were doing, because he didn't see others, when he automatically assumes the rest of us are on crack every week in nightclubs is *priceless* 😂

In the Bad Place, right wing knobbers are reposting a video being critical of London cancelling Christmas/markets and saying it's a Muslim haven. The video is a parody, frequently goes to places markets would never be, steps aside to reveal a Christmas tree every time he says he hasn't seen one...

Categorically stupid that people play the stupid "omg how long til Christmas?!" game every fucking year as if there isn't such thing as a calendar or a countdown every day on TV and radio from like bloody March

These straights, they're trying to kill me

You could just... Like *not* watch Eurovision. Are we running out of excuses yet? 😅

Times watching Lucy Liu as O-Ren Ishii: 5592937559102318

In a normal administration, this would be a career-ending, weeks-long scandal

Typically when I have my wave of cbaaaaaaaa and want to be left alone, I've yelled at 2 people and left a discord server unannounced I get everyone checking in. Like bitches where was this when I needed attention 😂 Although saying "I'm not playing chicken with traffic yet" to them all isn't great.

Saw straight gym crush wearing a suit and I think I came more than if I ever got him into bed. 🫦

As if to prove my ongoing point on AI being stupidly used as gospel, I rejected a project and the buyer spent 3 hours using ChatGPT to find a workaround amounting to "but other people use it" that I blew apart *By. Reiterating. The. Regulation.* 3 hours of their time. Wasted. Fuck AI reliance.

Boss leaves. Christ music fuck off, own music get the fuck on.

Don't you just love Etsy sellers who say they've dispatched an item, nothing changes for 6 days and when questioned the tracking information magically updates the next morning? Mmhmm.

For future reference, apparently only bottoms are allowed to explain reasons for incompatibility. If a top does it they're automatically wrong, even if they agree on points. And "but my friends agree" is 100% a weirdly irrelevant but always played defence.

Just found out about Marjorie Taylor Greene.

It's fucking me off that "AI overview" is being forced on me both at the top of a Google search and in the "people also ask" section, especially because I can see that it's fucking incorrect. Worse; I'm having to do this to *disprove* claims someone wanted to make, who'd bypassed my department.

A month ago I'd never done a headstand

New theory: gym grunters/screamers are just announcing how they sound when getting penetrated. Because they ALWAYS look to see who watching after a set 👀

"What did you get up to Marcus?" "Oh, you know, just felt stupidly frustrated and stressed and spent nearly 3 hours channeling it into food; making 2 different curries, some jerk chicken and a lamb fucking roast. You know, normal Tuesday stuff, not indicative of a meltdown" "..."

Of course when I'm working on something time-sensitive I find a nonsensical move by Microsoft and IT have me stuck in a neverending loop of Remove Update, Restart, Automatic Update, Check Functionality, Remove Update, Restart, Automatic Update...

My semi-glib claim that we live in a post-expertise world further confirmed by someone not trained asking me "what do you know!?" regarding my technical and compliance training and a cosmetic ban, and when given the regulation, being told "that's your opinion" by them. Opinion. From legal text.

Radio 2 playing Gremlins I'm so happy 😂

"Tiktok song of the year" you can all FUCK THE FUCK OFF with thst shit.

It wasn't a hollow threat.

Got called "wokerati" for pointing out that Tesco tree thing isn't new, it's a decade old and for saying that Muslims and Jews aren't offended by Christmas; I work for a Jewish company and both join in our festivities and maybe, just maybe, "lack of integration" is decades of being told to leave 😅