My mate completed and exchanged on his house today and ended up being fucked by the previous owner and... Why did that turn me on? What an exchange indeed.

I'm not saying Joel Dommett being on the TV made me go harder, if you know what I mean, but I'm not not saying it.

Telling my kids that these two were Charles and Diana

Another migrant hotel fire. But they're just "concerned citizens". What's the word they'd use if he wasn't British?

"I dunno mate, maybe if you hadn't spent the entire time [he] and I were together, bragging that I'd fucked you before [he] and I had met, you'd still be friends" ... Was not a phrase I expected to say last night, but it was fantastic.

It's interesting to watch the Left tear themselves apart because they put party over politics, but hold themselves to some form of standard, where the Right are just militantly party over politics. Do either hold any integrity anymore?

The Macmillan Coffee Morning was yesterday and, because I put in £20 and there are loads of cakes leftover, I've been officially ordered to "full your boots"

Waiting for people to cry woke 😂

It's utterly bizarre to see Elon musk simps think that any criticism is jealousy. Man could shoot his children in the face live on TV and if you called it out you'd be "just jealous"

I think there's a lack of self-awareness from people who judge other people's teeth who frequently bleach theirs, have veneers or get Turkey Teeth that needs to be studied.

Amazing what info you retain. It's been 16 years since I graduated and I still know the first 20 elements and their atomic mass, in order, and multiple others. When have I used that info? Precisely twice, including today, in the better part of 2 decades.

Would be great if my friends didn't slag me off every time they mentioned Wicked, because I have zero desire to see it. Which, as musical-obsessed phags, is a lot.

Collective punishment is wild. How can tens of thousands of Palestinians be punished/killed because Hamas exists, and therefore they all must be Hamas, but not all Israelis can be so much as called pro-genocide because, apparently, like 5% of them are protesting? SELECTIVE collective punishment.

Today I've been named "AphroDICKte, god of lovin'" and I don't hate it.

You know when you have one of those days where every single thing seems to go wrong and the two things you thought you could really count on to come through, don't? That you were really looking forward to? That's been my day. Gym, travel, training, work, it all went wrong. And then my plans.

I see conservative Americans are getting away with "we don't wish people dead like the Left" by hoping for the Rapture instead 🤦🏾‍♂️ death and/or years of torture to everyone not Christian/ *they* deem not worthy. With diminished responsibility, pretending it's religious. Because it's so different.

Not only did I realise yesterday I'm *that* person of Caribbean background who puts condiments (hot sauce) on everything, but I just got annoyed that I've been shipped off to our other site for today and forgot to take said condiment from the office fridge to put on my dry af, supermarket meal deal.

My gay agenda is showing today, as I've just mistyped Lavender as "Labender", twice, on the same artwork.

Most people thought Germans were evil because they propogated Hitler and the Nazis I think they were evil for inventing their German Hang.

My new office chair has arrived and the difference was IMMEDIATE 😍

On the bright side, I am now saying "thank you" to compliments, instead of "shut up fuck off go away" and retreating into myself like a tortoise

Newcastle, I am inside you

Being an antivaxxer is the same as swimming across shark-infested water because you think the bridge will collapse and, despite all the bite marks on bodies, you think sharks aren't real and were made up by the government to control you.

The way this weekend has worked out I'm going to Newcastle and having a night out completely free. This makes me very happy.

Social media was the death of critical thought, influencers were the death of independent thought, AI was the death of thought.

Apparently these socks are slutty?

Jimmy Kimmel was fired because he's hot and Trump could never

Oh fucking fuck me, Trump's third term won't be in America, it'll be here, won't it. He's gonna do the right wing leadership circuit everywhere he's eligible.

Best son ever.

Trump is the definition of rewarding the school bully

Not my ebay buy messaging to say "just bought this post ASAP" as if sellers don't get explicit instructions to do so within 2 days

I dub thee Dscarded, Floating Existential Crisis Cat and I feel you deep in my soul.

Republicans: FREE SPEECH FOR ALL Unilever: You're not allowed to criticise Trump or Israel Republicans: That's OK you know

Isn't it weird that the radio will bleep out "ass" from songs as indecent, but fully play false accusations from the public, celebrities and politicians under the guise of "in the public interest". Which is more damaging, really.

How do you want me? Straddled or straight-legged?

Not the free speech crew getting people fired for quoting Charlie Kirk ad verbum, then saying it's because of disrespect in a time of mourning. I thought cancel culture and censorship were wrong?

Just a couple more inches 👀 and I'll be deep enough 👀👀

I managed to meet my protein goal and still have 500 calories left to eat for today, so... Nutella on toast it is.

What does it say about me that I wanted a simple dinner, then made a chicken and bacon carbonara? Do I consider that simple? Does anyone else? What's the metric? Deep thoughts as I throw it down my gullet.

Why am I just arriving at the gym for the second time today

This is simply untenable. There is no way forward with media and political classes captured by the right. Every time someone commits a crime you have to pray it's not an undesirable or it's purge time, then when it turns out to be themselves again they just shrug and wait for the next one.

So is the full-on invasion of Gaza still self-defence? Because when Russia did it to "remove Nazis" and "aid independents/ rebels" it was globally condemned.

My brain and body: PUT THE HEATING ON My bank account:

People saying they have ADHD without the assessment or diagnosis because they can't focus one day is like a right winger saying they're oppressed and the country is being invaded because they saw a Muslim on both sides of the counter at the post office

After the 60th "big birthday" presentation today, I was made (painfully) aware that mine is next. Great. So now I have 15 months to spend growing the sense of dread at standing in front of the whole company while they clap and say happy 40th and expect me to give a little speech.

I was given 4 projects in a rush job last thing on Friday, because the issuer is off this week, that broke standard processes by not involving me... Within seconds of looking this morning I've determined I can't continue because of things I would have pointed out if the processes had been followed.

Not Monzo calling me a tramp

You know when your friends are just so monumentally stupid with their approach to men it makes you angry?!

I met someone for a chat on my way back from the gym and I got home so horned up and frustrated I need to choke fuck the life out of someone, throw them around my bedroom and pound them into dust. ... Yeah, I'm gonna have to see him again and escalate that.

Still learning, trying new things, even after a solid hour of upper and ab work 🥵