Happy 4th of July or as dogs call it, K9/11

BREAKING: Alderaan Senator lobbies to change name of Death Star to "Boom Moon"

guy wearing MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN HAT and TRUMP 2028 neck tattoo at Piggly Wiggly finding out his food stamps are no longer valid

suspect identified as Greg Gardens (forgive me, the world is collapsing and all I've got in my arsenal is a $40 gift card to Cheesecake Factory and obscure movie references that maybe 10 people will get)

Trump upon hearing the assassinations in Minnesota have upstaged his big boy birthday parade

unlike Vietnam or Afghanistan at least the Marines coming to.L.A. know exactly what this fight is all about

FOX News desperately trying to make a Rodney King riot out of a Donna Martin Graduates chant

this YouTube video of Stretch Armstrong in a microwave has over 60 million views I swear if YouTube was around when I was a kid I'd be richer than Mr. Beast

don't worry everyone, I'm certain this feud between the adderall junkie with the nuclear codes and the ketamine addict with all our social security numbers is just a tiny bump in the road towards American prosperity and greatness

it's like the bees from My Girl have turned on each other and I'm trying to figure out which one to root for

the only certainties in life are death, taxes, and if you sit at an outdoor café in the valley Jay Leno will drive by

saw a bobcat on my run this morning but didn't have a camera to document it so I bought this t-shirt to commemorate the occasion

1184 BC - in one of the most cunning military maneuvers ever conceived the Greeks build a large wooden horse as a gift to Troy who are unaware soldiers hide inside ready to to sack the city and end the Trojan War 2025 -

Happy Mother's Day to my mom who on my 10th birthday took me and my friends to see Xanadu because she thought it was a sequel to Star Wars

flyby outside my window in honor of me getting Wordle in just two tries

American Pope sounds like a screenplay that's been bouncing around Hollywood for decades with everyone from Robert Redford to Pauly Shore attached at some point

take any side street in North Hollywood and you'll instantly be transported into a 1970's educational film about the dangers of hitchhiking MattOswaltPhoto.com

delivery guy on scooter pulled right in front of me but thanks to my superhuman dexterity I was able to swerve around him sparing his life and all the precious Thai food he was entrusted with. I feel like my work here on Planet Earth is done.

when someone wishes me a Happy May the Fourth...

you can keep your PhD's, I want a leader with the courage to stare directly into a solar eclipse until it backs down

my day begins with an ominous Angelyne drive-by. Either I'm about to enter a quirky A24 movie or a softcore Cinemax After Dark.

MOVIE PITCH: an Oceans 11 sequel where they go after Jay Leno's Tonight Show money

false alarm, I just forgot my safeword

woman in line at CVS pharmacy tried to engage me in her vaccine conspiracy theories and I just politely nodded and took Keanu's advice

don't worry American citizens illegally being held in El Salvador prisons, now that Trump has openly defied the Supreme Court I expect Democrats to immediately take action against this brazen injustice by holding up paddles with clever slogans written on them at the next State of the Union

Kathleen Byron, who played the unforgettable Sister Ruth in Black Narcissus, also played older Private Ryan's wife in Saving Private Ryan 50 years later. I know there are more important things going on in the world but I absolutely love discovering stuff like this.

BARBER: "How do you want it cut?" ME: "80s teen movie asshole."

the media still doesn't get it. Trump is taking ZERO risk. His decisions are specifically made to build his own power and wealth. End of story. Whether the economy collapses or your parents 401K evaporates is not an issue that ever entered his mind or was even discussed when this plan was devised

in layman's terms, imagine Nakatomi Plaza is the US Economy, Liberation Day are the detonators, Truth Social are the negotiable bearer bonds, and John McClain is stuck in traffic on the 405 because the navigation app in Argyle's Cyberlimo broke

fucking unreal. if Harris won the presidency, appointed Whoopi Goldberg as Secretary of Defense, and she accidentally texted war plans to a reporter at Teen Vogue Hawley would have seceded Missouri from the U.S. by now

in defense of Pete Hegseth not realizing he texted secret war plans to The Atlantic, this was probably the first time he ever sent something to a magazine that didn't begin "Dear Penthouse Forum"

sad to see Dark Delicacies going out of the business after 30 years. A beacon of horror, sci-fi, and gathering place for all things B-film and scream queen. Thanks for your service, Del! I might have to buy this signed American Werewolf in London action figure. (no Jenny Agutter, though)

forget the JFK files, I wanna know what happened to the Russian in the woods from that Sopranos episode

if Harris had been elected the stock market would be soaring, jobs would be up, 401K's, Social Security, and Medicare would all be safe, Ukraine would have a chance at freedom, and Canada's biggest dispute with the US would be Gordon Lightfoot's omission from the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame

a jacket I got for Xmas finally arrives DEC - arrived wrong size so I return JAN - hopelessly lost in mail FEB - replacement jacket shows up, still wrong size so I return MARCH - correct size jacket finally arrives. Merry Christmarch!(pitching 'Merry ChristMarch' to Hallmark Channel tomorrow)

Print Lab Day! A couple of seedy gems. the very ominous Top Hat Liquor and In-Noir-Out near LAX under a sinister sky. Prints available on my website: they'll look great in your den or sex dungeon. Free shipping! MattOswaltPhoto.com

realizing Jim Abrahams was left out of the Academy's In Memoriam

the Oscars just don't hit like they used to

RIP Gene Hackman Gonna make an Espresso in your honor

another fun ASC Awards writing for Ed Helms. I love cinematographers, they have the best stories. - Picked Dean Cundey's brain about that long tracking shot at the beginning of Halloween. - Andrzej Bartkowiak told me sordid Jack Nicholson/Angelica Houston tales I had to promise I'd never divulge

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

meanwhile, Democratic leadership

if this Christmas tree can make it to February you can make it thru 4 years of Trump

Bells Palski

Happy birthday to my brother. Let's relive his acting debut, many moons ago. It took 48 takes, 3 directors, and lots of therapy but in the end he made magic. Happiest of happys, bro.

Gulf of America sounds like a sombrero filled with deep fried mayonnaise that if you finish in under an hour you get for free plus a t-shirt *no utensils allowed

between the richest man in the world giving a Nazi salute, every J6 insurrectionist being pardoned, and Trump going to war with a bishop, these better be some cheap fucking eggs

CNN is terrified of being sued and desperate to curry favor with the new regime. They've become a town in WW2 located near a death camp that pretends nothing bad is going on. footage of emaciated immigrants in internment camps could emerge and CNN would call it an "Ozempic Spa"

taking this great advice to get me thru the next 4 years and thought, fuck it, why not make it permanent. I recommend you do the same. Today - new jacket