tour guide at the liberace museum is drunk again

I met with my friend Mitch McConnell this morning. We spoke for about 20 minutes on a number of topics, including Iran, and the Platner situation in Maine. He looked good- tan, fit, rested.

Please rise, or remain seated, for the Canadian national anthem! www.youtube.com/watch?v=auLB...

"Citizen Vigilante? If it's got Armie Hammer in it, I know what a good name for the movie would be...Box Office Poison!"

I think my Ideal Space game is one where you can dress in brand-new, spiffy Starfleet-type uniforms, OR you can dress like a Weyland-Yutani crew at the end of a five-year run; and whichever one you choose, you get to say something like "Jeez- check out these guys," whenever you see the other group.

Shot by a balding assassin while carrying a baguette- The French Connection opens in the most French way possible.

Ever sneeze so loud a dog in the next apartment over starts barking?

Shelby Foote goes through such convolutions to mitigate Confederate setbacks after July 1863, you start to think, "Boy, is he going to be surprised when Sherman burns Atlanta and Lee evacuates Richmond for Appomattox."

In honor of the Albanian people's resistance to corruption and oligarchy, let us now sing the Albanian national anthem: Albania! Albania! You border on the Adriatic Your land is mostly mountainous And your chief export is chrome!

Topic: which is the best Halo game, and why is it Reach?

Honestly, how does a water main burst in June?

I love that my Mass Effect player experience has been pretty evenly split between "That was nice. It's nice to be nice." and "I will end your miserable existence, and the only reason your kin will not be shamed by your fate is that they will never know what has happened to you." #masseffect

You see- when Andrew Jackson staged a mixed martial arts event in the White House, at least he had enough class to participate in it.

I was once in a Rockabilly band called the Texas Screwworms.

You know, I think it's great that kitchens are safer than they've ever been. We no longer need open fires that fill our houses with smoke, and there's way less of a chance of your clothes catching fire while you work over a wood-burning hearth.

Congratulations to Toronto and the TTC on almost finishing your infrastructure repairs before the World Cup!

I GOT A TELEPHONE CALL FROM ISTANBUL MY BABY'S COMING HOME TODAY

Some days, all it takes to fix you is a cup of coffee and a nice toasted cheese.

Dramatic reading of copper merchant ea nasir complaint youtu.be/s0ga7XCpncM?...

I don't know why I'm suddenly seeing Tom Brady in motorcycle leathers all over my feeds, but I did not ask for this.

Gary Numan is a fucking genius.

Still one of the best punk bands to come out of Chicago: www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oHI...

The funniest words ever uttered in the history of cinema

Commander Shepard: "Okay, anybody else got any personal problems they need me to take care of before we go fight the Collectors? Unfinished business? Anything? Family issues? Estranged children? Regrets? Back taxes? Old parking tickets? So, can we do this now?" #masseffect

If there's one thing I've learned from the bicycle business, it's that sometimes the chaos gods send a little man out in the rain on his Dahon to just fucking ruin your Friday evening.

Finally replaying ME2, and it's pretty amazing how, after more than 10 years, how much less I'm willing to put up with the Elusive Man's bullshit. "Are you trying to fuck Commander Shepard? You do not fuck Commander Shepard! SHE is the one who fucks YOU!" #masseffect #ME2

Pope Leo *thinking*: "Dis fuckin' guy right here..."

The picture you see when you look up "This Fuckin' Guy" in the dictionary. www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026...

*turns chair around backwards* Sure, May the 4th is pretty cool, but let me tell you about another group of scrappy insurgents fighting for independence against a powerful Empire.

Happy Communist Groundhog Day to all who celebrate!

"Oh, the weather this time of year is so nice! It's just perfect for riding a bike!" *immediately inhales entire cloud of those little flies that only appear for like three weeks*

Gun goes off near Trump: *gets evacuated* Teddy Roosevelt actually shot in chest: *reassures crowd, continues speech*

I'm a NIMBY in the streets but a YIMBY in the sheets.

Great Tragedies of The Modern Age: - War Against Civilian Populations - Climate Change Disasters - A Driver Is Mildly Inconvenienced By A Cyclist

My neighborhood is so broke, the Popeye's just went out of business.

Happy Rex Manning Day to all who celebrate!

Some of y'all didn't watch Threads as a teenager and it shows.

Write your own damn books. Make your own damn art. Write your own damn code. Read your own stupid emails.

Regardless of whether or not I'm playing Paragon or Renegade, when I play Mass Effect, I play so that everyone on my crew makes it. No- not you, Ashley.

No, you're thinking of Kal-El, son of Jor-El and Lara Lor-Van. Different guy. I'm Kal-El, son of Myron-El and Ruthie-Zar. I do accounting and tax prep.

Pam Bondi right about now.

Regardless of what the Supreme Court says about its legality, conversion therapy is still evil, and anyone who advocates for it is evil.

Finally got a new computer, so now I can get back to the important things in life: getting drunk and playing Mass Effect.

Q: What is the most difficult part of playing pickleball? A: Having to tell your family.

I'm sure armed and masked goons are going to improve what is already a pleasant and efficient airport experience.

Personally, I will never forgive Chuck Norris for telling Haley Joel Osment he had AIDS.