The octopus is just a wet sea spider

Burger King is gonna take a big hit on Saturday!

Sign of the times, I suppose!

I enjoy scratching my forehead with the back of my thumb

Honestly, the James Bond Amazon deal is such a bummer unless they do a Muppet version.

Oh so this asshole wears a suit when he’s with ghislaine maxwell

Ariel, gonna be honest with you, on land we 100 percent reprimand our daughters.

Anybody check in on QAnon what do they make of all this nonsense going on? They cool with everything that’s happening?

Fun fact, I was the baby laughing in the Aaliyah Timberland song. Are you that somebody?

One thing they don’t tell you about having kids is that they know how to turn on descriptive audio on the TV, but they don’t know how to turn it off 😡

It’s so embarrassing that the richest man on the planet wants so badly for people to Like him. Like can you imagine?

It’s disgusting what Trump said about the Pope, right after his death. - future post.

Hey look at me I’m a king, look over here, I said I’m a King, look I’m a king, don’t notice that I’m licking Putins balls, I’m a king!

democrats won’t admit it, but my family’s economic outlook has gotten a LOT better since Trump took office. but what do i know? i don’t have a fancy economics degree, i’m just a regular guy who runs an airplane scrapyard

“Ready or not here I come” mid coital

Will Smith has never hosted SNL!

The Eagles are gonna win and then everyone is gonna get Bird Flu

Is Steve Winwood dead? His music makes me happy and if I find out he’s a piece of shit old man with awful opinions, I’m just gonna give up.

Why am I seeing so many cat accounts on my Bluesky. Cats are fine and all, but I’m allergic and it’s starting to feel personal.

We need an only good news channel like we had during the pandemic but this time no Jim from the office.

Can’t wait for Dry Hump January to be over. I’m chafing a good amount.

Do they have to be cool?

Can we get like a detective Uncle Baby Billy spinoff?

It’s 2027 the Dog flu has ravaged the world the planet. People are forced to execute their dogs to kept their families Safe. The president couldn’t be happier.

As offensive and enraging Elon’s Nazi salute was, it’s made worse with that lip bite. What a fucking nerd.

I take back all the mean, awful things that I said about Musk. so I can come up with newer, even meaner things to say about him

Starting tomorrow I’m going just watch people falling down videos for the next 4 years

To my beloved 47 followers even the bots please help my friend she’s the last person on earth that deserves to suffer like this gofund.me/49ec7f13

Christmas has been over for 2 and a half weeks and my kids are still singing “bamboo forest” to the tune of that who song from the grinch and I hope it never stops

Merry Pissmiss and a crappy Poo Rear

Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between things that are wet or things that are cold.

I’m worried that Jimmy Carter’s death will over shadow Burts death.

It’s not just that platform, you fucking dork

I lose it every time he says he stuffed all our shit in dirty bags

Ewww are you drinking raisins and milk? At least put some brand flakes in there and use a spoon!

What the hell do we call post on this thing? I just Blued ?

“Hey, Google shut up, you weren’t even there”

Perm #supermanlegacy

My 6 year old thinks Statler and Waldorf are the Muppet presidents because “They sit in those president sets and are really old men”

Fuuuuuck. I forgot that being informed about current events makes me miserable.

Dads.

My 6 year old with a speech impediment. “Wook at the Jerzee Dwones”

Most things in Jersey tend to Drone on an on. #Jerseydrones

My friend was on that Netflix show the floor is Lava and she told me the lava is really Cows blood. 🌋 🐄 🩸

🎶 Chestnuts burning in desk air fryer, mad boss choking on the smoke! 🎶

Am I a bad parent for letting my kids watch the angels with dirty faces scene in Home Alone? 😳

Hawk Tuah the World… A Christmas Song is that anything ?Grumpy cat can be in it.

I’ll let you know in a little secret. When I say “I just can’t believe they’re gone” at a funeral. I can 100% believe it.

I’ve been making homemade ravioli all day And Boy Ar Dees arms tired

It’s very funny that Dobby has a British accent. Skinny scrotum, speaking the kings English, hilarious.