My god, AI is going to have product placement before long

If you can afford to take "THOUSANDS of pounds off THOUSANDS of cars" I don't think that's something to brag about. I just think your cars are priced too high by standard. #RadioAdvertGripes

Joe trying so hard not to look happy at that murder #TheTraitors #CelebrityTraitors

Want Jonathan Ross voted off so we don't have to look at his awful clothes anymore #TheTraitors

I'm liking Ruth more and more every time I see her #TheTraitors #CelebrityTraitors

Starting an episode of #TheTraitors halfway through the round table votes just ruins the flow. All the jeopardy has gone #CelebrityTraitors

I cleaned the oven today and every time I walk past I switch the light on to check it's still clean

Hello, I'm a car park next to a music venue. No I don't have an evening rate anymore, how retro. Instead, I have structured my prices so that if you want to make doors as well as the end of the show, you can pay the special all day extortion rate

Finally diagnosed as ADHD as no surprise to anyone who knows me. Now the real work begins, starting my prescribed, mandatory stand up show to take to Edinburgh

Chortle social media admin panic posting on a Sunday morning to reach their weekly quota

Really not enough being said about Nick Mohammed's #CelebrityTraitors performance. He smashed that slidy block puzzle, so what? My guy also got a shield, was on for figuring out the first gate question, and was pulling the horse in the same position as super athlete Tom Daley #TheTraitors

Mental health awareness day seems like the perfect time to be stood up for an online ADHD appointment

Really pleased to see a comedian alliance. Joe defending Lucy #TheTraitors

Kate pulling a reverse Linda #TheTraitors

These coats at breakfast though #TheTraitors

Off to hibernate for the winter, hit the button if you need me

I've said it before: anyone who runs down the job that teachers do, even for such nakedly political reasons rather than from any real place of conviction, (a) should try surviving even a fucking WEEK of it themselves and (b) should then go to the bottom of a well.

Our hilarious Funny Friday is back to start your weekend off *right*. 4 great new acts saying the unsayable. £18 advance £20 on the door

When the alarm goes off at Orc camp #TheTraitors

Boo Claudia. There were much better choices #TheTraitors

JR setting up the double cross early #TheTraitors

I spent a whole day with thousands of others watching planes attempt to land in storm winds

This all day every day

May your day have the confidence of a food trailer with a Just Eat sticker

Whoops, it's #drawtober again, so everyone has to deal with another batch of my silly NMJ comics. In this one, we discuss the physics of pastry eating, and the dimensions and relative chewability of macs.

Gary Neville asking why the long throw fell out of popularity after a prime example of why long throws are bad #TheFootball

Catching up on Taskmaster, I really think this group is one of my favourites

Just making my Maisie approved cottage pie for tonight after having Maisie Bolognese last week

I'm planning to finish Wayward tonight and it has been excellent. It is the right level of spooky for me (Yellowjackets sort of creepy). Something is added by the fact that May has created it. There's some nice nods to trans and queer life. Big ol' recommended

Let's start a round of October Tasking. I've got 24 tasks so it'll be nearly one every day until 31st October. Some rules 🧵:

Post a fictional comedian who definitely would accept an invitation to the Riyadh Comedy Festival.

Manchester. Please come to our show on October 9th x Please x

I just don't think Muse should be bringing out new music. I have nothing against them, it's just not right

Watching Wayward and seeing Masie's prize task for this week in the same afternoon leaves me with too many questions

EARTH MUST DIE Featuring a load of my favourite comedians - too many even to fit on the trailer! Joel Fry! Martha Howe-Douglas! @alexhorne.bsky.social! Tamsin Grieg! @5teviem.bsky.social @mrholness.bsky.social! @misterabk.bsky.social! @rosieisaholt.bsky.social! MORE Please RETWEET and WISHLIST

Things I've learnt from this NFL first 10 min -They like their dirty towels -They've had 5 takeaways this week? -The crowd really didn't like the first thing that happened -The touchdown seemed cool. I don't get why they didn't stop when the guy got tackled like they have done every other time

If I put my hands in my pockets when I run for the bus, no one will be able to see me

In this dying age of the internet I've not seen anyone explain the point of the really specific website with really specific domain names and great seo I was looking for masonry paint earlier, there it is on the 1st page masonrypaint .co.uk No adverts, no links, just bad ai slop. What's the point?

Celebrity Traitors is going to be great for a week. I can't wait to have a live TV event take over my timeline again. I fear it's going to be stale after the first week with no real jeopardy and all the celebs just fighting to get a sound bite on telly. I hope I'm wrong

I don't think this driving test is going well :(

15 finalists, 2 women

Family festivals are the literal worst. Parents at their one day out of the year absolutely trollied. Kids neglected all day. Any challenge to their behaviour ends in "we're just having fun" A family exclusive festival is a far better example to set and a more accurate advert for Britishness

I just really like the reaction I've seen to @thedailytism.com bringing 2 new writers on board. Ignoring some of the, frankly bizarre, pearl clutching to the initial ad, my TL has been full of support for these excellent additions

How does any tradesperson get anything done with easy access to expanding foam? The stuff is brilliant

You can tell a lot about a person from their roasted source of protein snack

If you ever find yourself with a couple of hours spare, have you thought about jet washing the drive? You get to spray clean lines in your drive while giving yourself endless more hours of work cleaning the car, the bin, the walls, repainting the fence, the house, washing your clothes, your shoes

Today's comedy special while I work is the brilliant Harriet Dyer. She has 2 specials on YouTube @HarrietDyerComedy. Starting with Mother. If you like to spend an hour trying to figure out what you're listening to/watching, this is perfect (complementary)

Started watching Twisted Metal last night. What's not to like? Post apocalyptic, cool imagery, action, 30 min eps, billed as a comedy. Perf. Until the fuxking advert for Bosch wiper blades halfway through. Get in the bin

Radio ads where the VO 'discovers' the offer as they're reading will be my origin story

Never a pen #thefootball