give me the nobel peace prize or i too will bomb iran

so we're just gonna let a man named Klaus in american airspace

and for my nighttime sweet treat: 2 berry tums

incredible how one small shart can create a lifetime of trauma

must be the microplastics in my brain that are making me so snacky

*taking a handful of candy from every trick-or-treater who comes to my door* tariffs

why is every sour candy maker such a pussy

centuries and centuries of human development simply to end up exactly how we've always been

the germans don't do bloopers, they do krauttakes

The Facebook people are here now (derogatory)

a burger king commercial came on and in it were two older people wearing those paper crowns and without looking away from the screen my mom just goes "if you ever see me wearing a burger king crown i want you to shoot me on the spot. don't even let me explain."

"too many people have main character syndrome" not me. i love being an npc. just idly standing around, watching the birds. oh you going on a quest? can you bring me back something

hey did you know that if you knock down a wasp's nest it may be filled with spiders? did you know that? because i didn't know that. i didn't know that until it hit the ground and exploded on my bare feet

left one of my knees unshaven so i could have something to pet

[the devil, as kristi noem's fingertips slip through his grasp]: some day, my love

did we really need to invent gogurt? is regular yogurt not already portable enough?

condensation is so pathetic like WHAT are u crying about u are a GLASS

wow,,,,, beautiful

turned 37 today which, in los angeles, qualifies me for a senior discount

every painting from the 1800s is like ok girl get them titties out

when i say i’m enjoying a tv series and the person i’m talking to is like ‘you should read the books next’ it’s like sorry i’m watching 18 hours of television a day when would i possibly have time for a book

sorry i’m late bro there were enemies nearby and i couldn’t fast travel

happy mother's day to the woman who will still swaddle me upon request

look when it comes to sailor moon personally i would not be jazzed if my life were in danger and a masked tuxedo man in a cape and top hat showed up throwing flowers and reciting poetry

as kids my sister & i would annoy each other so badly in the car & it'd piss my mom off. she'd go 'GIRLS ENOUGH! Hands in your laps & look out your windows' & we'd be like jeez whats her deal. & now that i think about it it was prob bc our idea of 'joking around' was unbuckling each others seatbelts

sometimes art just speaks to you

my bf [lying to his friends about why my arm is in a sling]: uhh she's fine she just fell-- me [being brave]: i was trying to rip a peach along its butt crease with my bare hands and banged my elbow against the desk so hard it made me cry

inside me are two prebiotic sodas, locked in a battle for my gut health. they will both kill me

this tomato has someone else's fingerprint pressed into it and i know it's someone else's because i put MY fingerprint against it and it didn't unlock

ME: where's that show STREAMING PLATFORM: ? ME: the show i've been bingeing for days? SP: ?? ME: the show i've spent the last 40 hours watching SP: ??? ME: i just want to resume watching that show SP: UGH omg then go type it in the search letter by letter with your remote what am i your mommy

GOD: heaven or ghost? ME: gee idk do i wanna float around in ur lame cloud or do i wanna spend eternity scaring people in their bathrooms

my dad saw a minivan and called it a 'catholic sports car'

was smearing lambs' blood all over my door when one of my neighbors wished me a happy passover and i was like wait what

How Stella Got Her Grooved Back (osteoporosis)

another day, another pair of crumbled undies found in my pant leg after i've already left the house

idk why it's so funny to me that pilates is just named after the dude who invented it: Joseph Pilates. it'd be like if the guy who came up with pickleball was named Brian Pickleball

favorite pastimes include: 1. yelling SHUT THE FUCK UP out my window to anything that makes any bit of noise whatsoever end of list

them, uninformed chud: wraps always fall apart when you put them down me, innovative genius: oh do they

it's called an oedipal complex maybe you've freud of it

wish the guy i used to like would text me already so he could see how not interested in him i am anymore

"I know I am, but what are you?" - Socratease

"Nobody gets in to see the System Administrator! Not nobody, not no how!" - The Wizard of OS

the most attractive person i’ve ever seen in my life just saw me try to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on so if anyone needs me i’ll be dead in my tub

i'm not being 'sassy' i just hate you

brb, Japan

"what are we gonna do" idk bro don't ask me i have a raincoat that's dry clean only

CPAC? you mean the simposium

sometimes i take a nice long walk and end up learning a few things about myself like which plants i like the most or what bird songs i prefer or how 5'3 is the perfect height to get clotheslined by a truck's side view mirror