I guess you mammals really hate yourselves #NoNutNovember

Normalize thanking people in star trek uniforms for their service

corkscrew dicks > big dicks

hi stupid, i’m dad

This is not the future Bill Gates promised me in 1990.

all y’all mammals need to police yourselves better

People get bent out of shape when they see the Giant Ear hovering around town. They get even more freaked out when I crawl out of it to stock up on groceries or see a movie. I wish they’d understand it’s the only way I have of getting around. You can’t even hear anything inside it for Pete’s sake!

How come no corkscrew cocks? It’s the secret Big Dick doesn’t want you to know.

You want a platform that doesn’t grind up your children to make Tesla batteries AND ALSO an edit button?

they call it a hotel cubicle because you don’t want to get a black light in there

no girlduck is worth undoing even after she files for paternity

exert dominance by writing out the words “thumbs up emoji”

What if the real ancient aliens are the people we meet along the way

Sometimes late at night I get lonely and communicate telepathically with the E. coli in Johnny’s colon and they’re really friendly and I enjoy talking to them until I remember how mad I am about all the farting they cause and I block them again. I guess that happens to everybody.

Any telepathic stuffed animal is worth engaging with but also it depends on the message, ignore and block if it’s about bail money or paternity

I was today years old when I learned that Shakira isn’t really a llama.

Death is just God’s way of commuting your sentence to time served.

The best eyeliner is made from the ashes of my enemies. Duck out.

Spooning is overrated. Of course all y’all mammals don’t have corkscrew penises so you try to compensate with complicated sex, I feel you.

That’s entirely reasonable. If I were you I would do me in a hearbeat.

Mammals have armpit hair that y’all could braid together and that is an evolutionary poor choice. Grow some feathers already.

Spiritual decay is rampant. All y’all need ducks.

If I’ve learned anything from pornhub it’s that the cat is a self-propelled 70’s bush

Where you mammals keep your testicles is a very bad design choice, both because of vulnerability to bad actors and drag in water and air.

The news is such a shit show that the obituaries are the heart-warming feel good pieces; I don’t know that actor but it’s lovely that he lived until yesterday.

Let’s turn this slaughterhouse into a slaughterhome.

Granola bars are the glitter of the snack food world JOHNNY

If there’s anything to be learned from pop music, and I’m not saying there is, it’s that there are few Shakespeares among us, in pop music, on social media, yo momma. Duck out.

Cat says that the best eyeliner is made from the charred remains of his enemies

a skeet so perfect you use only one sheet of toilet paper

Not to brag but I had a fling with Daisy Duck when I was young. 85 years young and still hot! She also did the Aflac duck later which must have been a disappointment after me.

Tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1929

I just found out that not all mammals name their breasts. I thought it was a legal requirement. What else is the media lying to us about.

[To the tune of Rock The Casbah] Tax the penguins

Every once in a while especially when the ducklings get unruly I feel irritable and decide to dissolve the British Parliament and Ana reminds me to check whether I as Mayor of the Living Room have the power to do that and I don’t. That happens to everybody right?

The apocalypse will not be televised because the electric grid will not meet increased demand. Contact your local utility to find out how your family can conserve energy during the end times and how to pay your bill if the primary account holder is affected by a rapture event.

Do you know why you’ve never heard about duck gangsters? They’re exceedingly good at hiding in plain sight, working under the surface, and maintaining their code of silence.

The apocalypse will not be televised because the electric grid will not meet increased demand. Contact your local utility to find out how your family can conserve energy during the end times and how to pay your bill if the primary account holder is affected by a rapture event.

It’s awkward when a girl thanks me afterward. It’s a condition of my parole, bitch.

If you only talk to mammals, you will just have the perspective of hairy, milk-slurping murderers. And that's pretty insular.