Kid Rock is what happens when karaoke confidence evolves unchecked.

It’s not Christmas until someone warns you might shoot your eye out.

Created confusion. Offered clarity.

fled the scene but waved. manners cost nothing.

parallel-parked the getaway car. professional courtesy.

Saturday night. What shenanigans are we into?

Me: If humans evolved from apes, what if apes are still evolving and we’re just the beta version? Apple Store employee: Sir, your phone just needs a screen protector.

A kid beats an arcade game so hard he gets recruited by aliens. The Last Starfighter (1984) rocks.

Heading into the produce section. If anyone wants to be baptized by lukewarm grocery store mist like it’s a ceremonial rite of adulthood, text me.

Tobacco speaks with the voice of prayer. It is how we reach for the unseen. how we say thank you and please in the oldest language we have. When we offer it to the Earth, to the fire, or to the river, we are not giving away something we are entering into an agreement of respect.

Miami Connection (1987) Friendship, ninjas, and synth rock — the holy trinity of 80s cinema. It’s like someone filmed a karate class field trip and called it a feature film.

Samurai Cop (1991) The hair. The line delivery. It’s like if a shampoo commercial tried to make a crime thriller but forgot what crime is.

Welcome to adulthood. You now say “oof” every time you sit down.

When you watch a movie and the soundtrack keeps insisting something exciting is happening. But it’s just all lies.

I said no to an impulse Amazon purchase and honestly should be on a TED Talk stage.

Nothing says “steamy passion” like explaining quantum mechanics in a flannel shirt while standing in a cornfield.

Dear autocorrect, I never meant “duck.” Not once. Not ever.

Ancestors: teaching lessons through Coyote stories and sacred songs. Me: sending memes instead of calling back.

Imagine you dreamt about a ninja movie after eating three gas station hot dogs and falling asleep to Knight Rider. Now imagine that dream was filmed without edits and released to the public. Ah, the 80s… 😌🤌🏻

Sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.

Fall. 🍂 When the first cold front hits and suddenly you’re wearing flannel like you own a lumber company.

For my next act, I’ll forget why I went to the store and come home with snacks instead.

Sorry I’m late, I had to finish absolutely none of my tasks first.

The Star People came by and showed me a map of the galaxy. I explained to them the In-N-Out secret menu. Both are sacred journeys.

Sorry I didn’t pick up, I was busy pretending my phone didn’t exist.

I’ll put on chapstick and immediately need to eat.

Adulthood is just a long series of trying to remember your passwords while wondering if you left the stove on or if you even own a stove.

My favorite summer tradition is complaining about summer until it’s fall, then immediately missing it.

Don’t overthink it. Bold of you to assume I have an underthink setting.

If someone’s lighting fireworks with a cigarette and the words “Hold my beer” are said, go ahead and pre-dial 9-1. Just be ready for that last 1.

If someone yells “It’s just a sparkler, bro” while dual-wielding them in a gasoline-soaked tank top, that’s your sign. 911, stat.

I’d totally tank my secret identity by trying to be normal and ending up the subject of three workplace conspiracy theories and one awkward birthday card.

Medication commercials: “May cause spontaneous limb detachment, screaming, or desire to join a cult.” But yeah, sure, I’ll take two.

Shoutout to that car commercial that thinks I’m drag racing on mountain cliffs at 6am. Bro, I’m late to work and praying for green lights.

If I was on the run I’d get caught because I couldn’t resist correcting the barista on the spelling of my fake name.

Why is it ‘summer fun’ when it feels like ‘hell’s pregame?’

Somehow every “quick call” lasts longer than a Marvel movie.

The inventor of Decaf Coffee: What if you liked being awake, but just…less?

One day you’re chasing thrills, the next you’re chasing down the best supplement reviews online.

Nothing makes me question my life choices like sitting in traffic caused by absolutely nothing.

DMV: Where dreams go to sit in line and die slowly under fluorescent lights and sighs of mutual despair.

If you’ve never seen Airport 1975, just know it’s like: 10% aviation 20% Karen Black blinking at instruments 30% passengers screaming 40% Charlton Heston being aggressively Charlton Heston over the radio.

Accidentally parked the USS Enterprise on a sentient planet. Now we owe it rent and it’s emotionally attached.

Cannon Films tried to make Spider-Man on a $12 budget and a prayer. They didn’t get the rights, the budget, or the prayer.

Love a good holiday weekend. Nothing like an extra day to still not do the laundry I swore I’d do last Tuesday.

Growing up in the ’90s means you had to actually be home to answer the phone. No caller ID, no voicemail, just pure adrenaline-fueled risk. Who is it? A friend? Your crush? A telemarketer? Your mom’s wrath if you answer wrong? Exciting times.

Inventor of boba: what if your beverage could lightly choke you

Just learned that standing burns more calories than sitting. Guess I’ll stand next to the fridge while deciding what to eat.

They said drinking lemon water every morning is life-changing. Tried it. Life still the same, but now sour.

A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck. He finishes his drink and asks for his check. Duck billed platypus.