seph achieved her dream of becoming a lap dog today. everyone say “good job”.

seph realized she can stare at me through the door while she poops outside and its… off putting

leaving my panties unfolded on top of my clothes at the gynecologist to assert dominance

facebook ads that keep me up at night wondering “what the fuck?”

“doc i cant remember to do things and when i do remember i cant seem to start them” “no problem, just remember take this pill every day”

could i get arrested for aggressively farting close to the armed forces at the bus depot?

going to a small gym is really nice because today i cornered the owner and forced him to listen to my ideas for new merch they could sell

just got served an ad for “female focused beef organs” and… EXCUSE ME???

laying here, farting, when a song came to me. enjoy: its three in the morning and i cant sleep cant stop farting smell’s making me weep its just me and farts now i dont wanna feel the burn in my butthole they escape with a squeal

im finally HOME

if you think kids should be allowed to play football, i dont wanna a hear shit from you about trans kids private medical decisions

sad hours are over. mad hours have resumed.

was it a good idea to see Good Boy as a bitch with chronic mystery health issues who is currently across the country from their dog? no. will i be crying for the foreseeable future? yea.

hey duolingo quick question - what the fuck is this

my favorite hoodie has a stain i cant get out and i am Distraught®

i flew too close to the sun (danced naked out of the shower) and my life flashed before my eyes (boob flew up and hit me in my own eye)

it should be a crime to make pills this big

anyway, stream brat

i washed my favorite hoodie YESTERDAY to get grease stains out. i JUST got burrito all over it. i hate it here.

i am not to be trusted around grapes

this cat walked across my parents’ deck and looked in the window at us like we were tbe problem um

day 3 of the worst asthma flare up i have ever had: not dead yet

my asthma is the absolute worst it has ever been and i fucking hate it. just got woken up by it, already took 3 puffs of my inhaler, and not feeling much better. so now im sitting here. mad. trying not to cough since ben is asleep. wishing my body could just fucking WORK for once.

watching the tides turn on blonde boring barbie has been just… *chefs kiss*

my tik tok fyp is completely in spanish suddenly but im not mad about it. now i get to jajaja.

my dad: look, its tig notaro! me: …that is a teenage boy

planning to start a big project but keep forgetting to buy the supplies needed for step one. amazing job, brain.

me, texting my husband: bro i kinda miss you ngl me, texting my friends: i’ve lost count of the minutes since i was last blessed with your presence. my nostrils yearn for the scent of your discount shop body wash. i haven’t been able to smile since you left.

theres someone watching videos without headphones so im leaned over watching with them. bout to ask them to keep scrolling when a boring one comes up.

theres a bird in the airport

yall ever get an emotional attachment to your meds? im going to be stopping some of mine pretty soon and im a little sad about it. ive been on them for 17 years… longer than i ever went without them. kinda feels like im losing a little buddy.

what stage of capitalism is it when you can doordash a ps5?

some people have children to use as props on social media. some people have children because of a deep biological yearning to do so. some people have children because they didn’t know what else to do. but me? im going to have children to create an army to overthrow the government.

this is the body of a bad bitch, bella

dont ask me if ive watched a show. of course i havent. i only rewatch the same four shows on rotation spaces out by youtube video binges.

why did i choose to do a run when its so muggy but not hot enough for the AC to be on full blast at the gym i am so damp

its bullshit i have other things to do and cant spend all day moving heavy circles

me, trying to mind my business: lets see what funny videos are on reels toda- my actual god damn dermatologist: TOP 5 MOST COMMON SKIN ISSUES I SEE IN CLINIC

types of transit i have ridden today: -NJTransit bus (twice!) -PATH train -MTA subway -Hudson-Bergen Lightrail god i love living here

how have i walked 4 blocks and not encountered ONE pizza shop??? in MANHATTAN????

to the people trying to go to chi fil a right after the chappell roan concert: fuck you, you should be ASHAMED

theyre playing music on the speakers before the artists come on, as per usual. so far the song with the most fan engagement has been what makes you beautiful by one direction.

my main character moment? thank you for asking. femininomenon absolutely BLASTING in my headphones as i strut across the wtc oculus, everyone clearing out of my way so i get to walk the entire length on beat.

i want a girlfriend but all i attract is meek men who want me to beat them up. sigh.

“if my emotions responded to logic, i wouldn’t need to be on antidepressants”

-gets injured -texts trainer to cancel session -is immediately crushed by the weight of mental illness and the sadness of not being able to go to the gym

“stop letting me eat so much rice” i exclaim, as i shovel rice into my mouth

it is just past one in the morning. i lay in bed, unable to sleep, craving pizza more than the air i breathe.

shut up and look at my legs i worked hard on them

me and ben: (having a conversation, walking back and forth) seph with her toy: SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEA-