you know how i know im a 44yo dad? how much i laughed at this shit

Mine is that it’s called the Sliced Bread #2, not the Sliced Bread. The 2 is the entire joke!

Old man seeks warmth

(living an unexamined life) yaaaaaay haha yay wheeeeee

Remember folks, during winter every ten degree temperature drop lowers your tire’s PSI by 1 so it’s very important to go to the gas station and notice that the air thing doesn’t work and then do that five more times at five different gas stations

Up to 63 this year

Perfect weather to spend all day playing Stardew and eating charcuterie from a plastic baggie, which is great because I was going to do that anyway.

Colby looks like he just woke up and can't find his glasses. I love him.

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE JESU JOY OF MAN'S DESIRING

We just tried to go out there and have fun and leave it all on the field

It’s a thanksgiving miracle

Hope you have a good holiday

My only opinion about this is you need to make allowances for 90s-00s rap albums that started with a skit

Bring back Turkey Television

Nice argument, however I have already portrayed myself as the Smug Bobby and you as the Pleading Connie

I don't think that guy is necessarily right, but I do think the hit rate of apple pie is very, very low.

Clearly fake, Harrison Ford don't give a fuck about us. "I got FAA fines to pay, you want to buy a brick of kush?" now there's a realistic Harrison Ford e-mail.

I thought people already knew that the first rule of liking Nick Cave is never learning anything about Nick Cave's Opinions.

I whooped Batman’s ass I whooped Batman’s ass I whooped Batman’s ass I whooped Batman’s ass I whooped Batman’s ass

Fuck it we ball

Right in the middle of Easter brunch at a fancy country club

My strongest moral stance is that if you're an adult and catch a baseball you celebrate and then immediately give it to the nearest kid. No exceptions.

Dear lord in heaven, let me manage to cut something or someone to the quick like this just once before I die.

NJPW '98 World Pro-Wres Special in Tokyo Dome, Final Power Hall in Tokyo Dome & Power Hall Forever (Riki Choshu retirement special) ~ World Pro-Wrestling : 148s

Guy smoking weed for the first time in 2001:

If you can, listen to the director's commentary on the Ronin DVD because Frankenheimer goes deep on how he shot all the chases

Doctor: I’m sorry, you have Microsoft Teams Exposure…. the only cure is watching a movie from the 90s on mute at your local dive bar

Sleepytime

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

You know what? Go ahead and throw the Gossip Folks video on there, too. You deserve it.

We get 2-3 letters from my insurance company every month about this thing. The kickbacks must be insane.

See him in Guy Ritchie Presents: Young Brick Top on CBS this fall.

I'll give him credit on one thing: you could not pick a funnier person than Bobby Kotick for this.

internet is crazy

"Sorry Liz, I can't stay late, I'm in a production of Hamnet" "Hamlet? By Shakespeare?" "HamNet by Chloé Zao. She did that superhero movie about how hiroshima was blown up by the gays. Oppenheimer."

A lot of NYT defenses today that require you to ignore pretty much everything NYT has done for the past 25 years.

If he watched King of the Hill he’d know that was Lucretius

Hobbs after that bump #AEWDynamite

Mutton Chops

BLEH!!! Zhey don't love you like I love you. BLEH!!! Zhey don't love you like I love you. Baaaats baaaats baaaaaaats baaaats

My trailer for a nostalgia-drenched, unfunny family-focused Austin Powers reboot, ala Ghostbusters: faint orchestral rendition of that bossa nova song. A kid wearing the glasses discovering a dusty Swedish penis pump in an attic. Liz Hurley in old lady makeup saying "Your grandpa..was very horny.."

Just noticed on an old VHS that Robert Patrick was wearing a NIN shirt when he was 3D scanned for the T-1000. That would have been 1990, so he was proudly supporting his brother Richard Patrick, who was in a new band called Nine Inch Nails at the time.

Couldn't settle on one joke

last one

I've been watching the best of Dustin Rhodes and I had forgotten how over Simmons was once he turned face. He saves Dustin from a beatdown and the crowd is going absolutely insane for everything he does.

My first election and I waited 2 1/2 hours in line to vote for Gore in Austin goddamned Texas. When they called Florida for him I decided to walk down to the Bush victory party and by the time I got down there they had reversed the call. Then I got catfished by an ex girlfriend.