Do I know any French copywriters?

Stop and search powers introduced for Range Rovers. Any found NOT to contain traces of farm implements, spilled feed, sheep poo etc, to be crushed and used for electric trams.

One of their current things because they read it in the Guardian is 'stop opening windows, you'll let the heat in.' Thing is, people of the UK, this works in Mediterranean countries because we have shutters to keep the sun out! You're creating little greenhouses for yourselves! You're going to die!

Twelve people in Marketing approved this, didn't they

Spending the day with my parents

Non-fiction

Couldn't sleep last night and listened to the audiobook of Glorious Exploits, narrated by the author, for five hours. I am here to tell you the audiobook of Glorious Exploits, narrated by the author, is a gem of a thing. (Free on BorrowBox)

I both do and don't want to know why you all keep saying hydration break

RIP Mark Rothko. You would have loved how the hydrogen peroxide bleach is only turning the Reflecting Pool blue around the perimeter

This is some incredible garbage. I looked into what you have to do to be a 'neuroscientist' and it seems that 'being a student of neuroscience' goes a long way, along with a background in fashion PR and marrying a minor royal.

Introduce yourself with 10 contemporary writers you can't fucking stand, I'll start. 1. B[is bundled violently offstage, sounds of muffled pounding are heard from the wings]

I want to buy some Elizabeth Taylor for someone I think would like her, but who do I speak to about these covers?

Every time I come back to the UK the cars have got another inch wider. Is this growth sustainable, I wonder, as I climb in through the back of my car at sainsbury's due to there being no space to open the driver's door.

Please stop sharing the AI vid of the babies. You'll just encourage them.

The owls that live at the end of my mum's garden have been ringed, I thought you should know.

If anybody else is trying to learn Spanish and is interested, this is a little video I made for myself, of the first few pages of The Savage Detectives alternating back-and-forth between English and Spanish

I love her. The nacho bar! The movie croissant!

Couldn't be bothered to apply for a pass for this but chose instead to sit indoors muttering about the bangs and helicopters and how Gaudí was a terrible old bigot anyway. Not entirely convinced I made the right decision. Looks like a bit of a do.

One minute you're young and falling out of Turnmills at 8am and the next minute you're excited about bedtime because your new pillows have arrived and also it's Widow's Bay night and you might just burst with the thrill of all this happening ON THE SAME DAY

In sentences I never thought I'd utter, my yoga class was just INTERRUPTED BY THE POPE. Heard a bit of shrieking, leant out the window and there he was, couple of metres away, waving at me. Absolutely fucking mad experience. Anyway, I now go by Sister Bernadette.

Today in surprising* etymology, shyster. [*to me]

The choices available to me were Young Conservatives and Young Farmers. Refusing to have anything to do with youth clubs made me the person I am today.

careful what you wish for

In Brazil Sense & Sensibility is called Razão e Sensibilidade but in Portugal it's called Sensibilidade e Bom Senso, ie Sensibility & Sense. No one in my house thinks this is interesting so I'm appealing to you, my real friends.

On Bluesky? All of us

It's amazing to me how many people in the UK do not use libraries. If you can't get Libby you can almost certainly get BorrowBox – ebooks, audiobooks, magazines, all for free.

the Teardrop performers

Yes yes it's the Telegraph but this seems important.

Just been contacted by a huuuuuge TV network working with a huuuuge streamer for some consultancy stuff on an upcoming series about Barcelona presented by a person who earns a billion $ a second. Responded asking what the fee was, and you will never guess! Actually you will, you will totally guess.

Sitting in yet another restaurant where I (5'7") can barely reach the table. Q bored so have decided to investigate why this keeps happening and report my findings. I don't have a substack so please enjoy this free content: 1. Designed by men. 2. Waiter sightlines – easier to see who's finished. 1/2

mornings on Bluesky once you've muted all the puzzle words

How it started: I'm going to put loads of these books that I'm never going to read on Vinted and my flat will be twice as big. I definitely won't buy any more. How it's going: Do we really need a sofa in here, I wonder.

I can pick up any suitcase and tell you exactly how much it weighs, within a 1% margin. Does anyone want to trade this for, say, fluent French?

Everyone arguing about whether £700k is a lot and ignoring a British newspaper using the word 'slain' in a headline. Disappointed. I thought you were my people.

Renaming La Casa de Papel as Money Heist up there with renaming Dix pour cent as Call My Agent! in terrible terrible creative decisions.

People on BlueSky finding out about magnolias comes around earlier every year.

Found in the loft and oh my heart

See it, it's free. The old neon Astoria sign is on display but they can't plug it in because, as the curator told me, "We've got Shakespeare's first folio in the next gallery."

Have these people never watched mating rituals? The males are always like hey check out my fancy tail feathers/here's my shiniest pebble/watch me smash this guy with my massive antlers and the females are all like bit weird but OK thanks for your interest I'll definitely let you know

Stayed up far too late watching the double bill of Widow's Bay because Matthew Rhys' scaredy-cat face makes me laugh out loud.

My mum's village is so middle-class the burglars have George Bernard Shaw tattoos.

Just went to the PO to pick up something sent by a friend in London and they wanted €18 in tax to hand over a thing worth 13 quid. I would dearly love a break from being so endlessly fucking furious about Brexit.

Reading a book set in Casper, Wyoming, and this has reminded me of a thing my kid used to tell me in one of her random gleeful info dumps – that there are only two escalators in Wyoming.

Today I learned of the existence of papal encyclicals and and I don't know what they're usually like but this one is a banger.

Staying in a soi-disant feminist hotel with a female-only library, which happily includes @kirkdalebooks.bsky.social's favourite lady author.

My sister lives in a Thomas Hardy novel

Not to kick off with this caper again, but I'm not completely convinced all of these writers understood the assignment.

juliet: wherefore art thou romeo? romeo: I’m right here juliet: no, “wherefore” means “why” romeo: so say why then

If you think Bluesky lost its tiny mind over the 100 best novels list, you want to have a look at today's letters page in the Guardian. Absolute scenes.