Also, why must we have this business of things being explained as someone walks down a busy street without looking? I realise this is a Route 1 middle-age complaint but it's very stressful to watch and could have been a fax.

I only went out for milk

Listening to Spanish radio I learn that here Ricky Gervais is pronounced as if French. Like mauvais. Huh.

Went out out last night. Was good to catch up with all the latest Gen Z trends.

+1 from Belgium

*tiny spanish voice* ID cards are good actually

A day late to the Danny Thompson news and now I'll never be able to tell the story of how he broke my childhood bed and how it was then propped on a pile of books for many years. He was a nice man otherwise.

Pussy Riot last night. They seemed pretty ticked off.

My friend is about to get on a flight from Barcelona with a troupe of castellers.

Man Ray is short for Emmanuel Radnitzky sounds like one of those ‘art deco is short for Arthur Decoration’ things. It is possible I am too much online.

The first time a young person offers you a seat is a moment, isn't it? Ffs.

Testing the new liquids rule to the max and the staff at security are impressed and amazed at how much mincemeat, Marmite and rose harissa a girl can fit in one 40cm underseat bag. [*They aren't. It has caused a Major Security Incident]

Yet to see anyone post about Redford's acting chops or charity work, just wall-to-wall "Check out this photo, the man was SMOKIN". And yes, yes he was. No notes.

Where am I today, an occasional series.

Bought a new mandolin with inevitable results

I recently had to explain how to use a tin opener over the phone. (In defence of Gen Z, unless they're using a lot of coconut milk, it is a fairly outdated skill.)

Came 9th in the pub quiz lads 💅

Not to stereotype but you don't need to be the workwear guy to know that this is not a UK reader

This is a dog account now

If he'd been carrying a gun this would never have happened, surely

graphic design is my passion

The other day I learned 'el pagafantas' – the guy who is always picking up the tab in the hope of getting somewhere with the girls, but is continually friendzoned. Literally it means 'pays for the Fantas'. Teenagers are brutal.

Greetings from the dog walk.

Did everyone have a good eclipse? Or was it a bit boring like every other eclipse?

Overheard just now at Birmingham Airport: 'So how was Barcelona?' 'Very clean. Very reasonably priced. The showers on the beach were outdoors!'

There's an Algerian guy in my hood who buys interesting books in charity shops and wanders the streets selling them at a small profit. Already the noblest of all the undocumented professions but yesterday he gave my kid and friends this for free because he "likes to see young people reading."

Trying to help my cousin and his family flee Texas for Spain, in light of everything. Asked him if he had WhatsApp but apparently his "level of security clearance" prohibits him from using it. I'm sorry what

My absolute favourite thing about Melvyn Bragg is his singular attitude of No Mucking About. Literally every episode starts like “HELLO IN 1492 COLUMBUS SAILED THE OCEAN BLUE WITH ME ARE TWO EXPERTS OK TELL ME RIGHT NOW WHERE THE FUCK IS GENOA?”

It's getting awfully blocky around here. Could we not send the men of Bluesky on a teambuilding weekend?

Just been to see the 181-minute cut of A Star Is Born and Judy Garland is very good and James Mason is very handsome but 181 minutes is a lot of minutes isn't it

Watching the Kenneth Clark Civilisation series and really feel that more history programmes could benefit from the presenter waggling a little cheroot.

The existence of the Tyrannosaurus rex is further away in history from the existence of the Stegosaurus than it is from the invention of the iPhone. (Hence an actual Jurassic Park would consist of a lot of dinosaurs wandering around pointing at each other and going “What the fuck’s that?”)

I think if I were a newspaper or say a hugely mandated prime minister of a rich and powerful country I might make this the story but what do I know

STOP TELLING ME WHAT NIGEL FARAGE HAS SAID I SIMPLY DO NOT WANT TO KNOW

Just accidentally scrolled through Insta with the sound unmuted. Holy shit. Like being stuck in the back of a minicab in 1989.

Gather your teens unto you and watch Spinal Tap with them. Your stock will soar.

My cooking skills and repertoire plateaued when I was about 26 and I think it's time to do something about it. I have never seen a cooking show or video – are they inspiring? Any recommendations? I'm not completely inept, just dull.

Highly recommend. Anyone who's wronged me gets a stupid name in my phone and I cannot tell you how much petty joy it has brought me over the years.

Managed 38 minutes of Materialists. Would have been less but drank two glasses of wine in that time, just to feel something. #filmreviews

I learned this morning that Maya Rudolph was Minnie Riperton's daughter and that will probably see me through to autumn

Anyone have any recent experience of renewing a UK passport and how long it realistically takes?

so boring to go on about the weather but I just had two Twisters for dinner

Very tense morning around here. Everyone awake too early, like Shit Christmas. What will Father UCAS bring?

Lot of hate on here for voice notes but some of us are painfully slow typists. The only alternative *sinister fairground music* is that we *builds to Psycho strings* RING YOU UP. You choose.

The credit says Shutterstock but her eyes are different colours and looking in different directions and that's definitely an extra finger growing out of her wrist, so there's a fun new thing for photographers to worry about.

Me, going native in Spain: Ah yes I'll shut all the windows in the night and trap that lovely cool air all day. The night:

There are many reasons to get annoyed with Jeremy Corbyn but having a sibling who is mad as a box of frogs is not one of them and I should know.

Everyone who has written a long read about Britain being at boiling point should be required to write a follow-up in October about what actually materialised.

burn it all to the ground