🥱 pen pals 😌 peen pals

The only correct way to play Pokémon is with a full team of Pidgeys that you never allow to evolve. They will not be confined to pokéballs, but sit on your shoulders at all times. Let yourself be covered in guano. Become the monochrome bird bringer. Never teach them fly, but teach them to love.

I watched a horror movie. It made no sense how the protag knew that the park ranger was the snuff film killer. The director explained on Reddit how there used to be a scene where the park ranger was suspiciously filming the funeral of the victim, but it was cut for time. I am baffled.

A lot of people seem to have opinions on the AAA games. I thought I was the only one who had played the Alberto's Anal Adventure series.

An aloe vera plant in the kitchen window had outgrown its britches so I put it in a larger pot and it's slouching all over the place and looks like something out of an adult japanimation and I'm afraid this is ground zero for the plantkin to reclaim all our fleshy human bodies.

My name is Job Karlst and in this video, I'm going to sue Milly Bitchell for being cringe even though I too am cringe. Oh no, the judge said my cringe was even more potent than that of my adversary. Although I am bankrupt, my udders are now milked by a fellow lolcow. Buy my cringe metal posters.

I took $200,000 worth of Star Wars LEGO to Brown Bricks and Gadget Shits and they trespassed me and sent me to Guantanamo Bay. I know what I have! (a venereal disease)

Since RAM costs kidneys now, and all game developers are fired by their Epsteinite bosses, I'm going to find a new no-life hobby to engage with. Video games had a good run, but I think it's time to start building model ships or somesuch shit.

Gae Ming

The fuckest part of the Super Mario Galaxy movie was when Baby Bowser and the decapitated cremains of his father were Abu Ghraibed by a mentally questionable child star with a baton. It also had Havana syndrome noises that made me join Chris Pratt's fucked up cult (Christianity).

If you think the Super Mario Galaxy movie is "bad" or "soulless" – maybe you should put down your phone and try actually watching the wacky hijinks of the beloved Mario brothers instead of scrolling on your (anti)social media.

People need to realize that AI is here to stay. Over the past year, I have completely replaced old legacy TV and film with short form content where cats cook their babies. I've also had friends and family over to watch those racist meme videos, and a few atrocious short "films". INEVITABLE!

Yeah, I'm a Swiftie. I want my death to be swift and painless.

I wish I was old enough (~85) that I could be creepy to women online and they'd just go "aww".

AI text is not just stilted and emotionally dead – it also makes me want to 3D print a trebuchet so I can launch myself into the deep, uncaring sea.

I took my uncle's urn to Bricks and Minifigs but the store manager said they don't deal in cremains. He made an exception and gave me $5 in store credit. He then made me watch him "tribute" inside the urn while his colleague stole my car from the parking lot.

This is what every game developer sounds like right now.

If people really want to pretend that Yu-Gi-Oh or Magic or Pokémon are real games and not huge corporate scams, why not just allow reproduction cards? Imagine participating in a chess tournament and getting slaughtered because you can't afford the $800 queen pieces.

2000s capitalist propaganda: we’re job creators and we’re supplying what you demand. 2020s capitalist propaganda: we’re supplying the thing that’s destroying your jobs and we demand that you demand it.

Watching the lolcow video about the Quarterpoundering and I am legitimately flabbergasted by his lies. Disingenuously editing someone else's video and insisting that they didn't provide the evidence they actually did. I am unable to lie like that. People that can lie need to be institutionalized.

Fun fact: Perfect Dark for the Gameboy Color marks the first handheld game to implement both a rumble feature and full penetration.

I once saw a woman in a video game. I threw up in my mouth and turned that shit OFF like a true red-blooded man lover. Women should be in parliament and congress – not in video games!

For Pride month, I will attempt to be more gay.

Curacka the Cracker

Jeepers, folks. Check out this sick pull!? Two Lollobrigidas, Audrey Hepburn's nunsona and some cowboy guy! Let's freakin' gooo!

I refuse to play the viral yiff rat pixel game since it's too popular among my peers. I wasn't born to follow! I was born to sit in a corner and be grumpy while other people have fun.

I diddled Tilly Norwood when she was low-poly.

Why do they seemingly have so much power, though?

I bought some chain oil for my bike but I found out the company who makes it is just wokeism DEI woke so I used the oil in my ass instead! That's right, snowflakes! Your chain oil is in my asshole now!

I had a pair of Ray-Ban glasses once. Judging by the lackluster quality and mediocre design, I always assumed it was an American brand. But now they're apparently owned by Italians? That's another group of people I don't trust. My Ray-Bans had fake carbon fiber that peeled off. Amateur hour trash.

Tiger Electronics game.cum

"Comedy Central" is such a facetious name. It's like calling IKEA "Quality Emporium" or McDonald's a "Restaurant".

Oh, shit! Time to boycott Paramount. I wonder what things I will miss out on. *looks at list of slop and trash for human-adjacent individuals with the mental acuity of a Disney adult* I think I'll be fine.

Music critics are the least necessary critics ever. Like "oh, I wonder if I should listen to this album. Best check the internet to see whether some bald white guy with glasses thinks it's whack or dope" (this is not a dig at Fantano, all music critics are bald white guys with glasses)

The blockchain is like anal beads for your ass.

I once met Mr. Beast at PAX. Anal full Nelson still counts as "meeting" right?

I can't believe the PlayStation 6 came out like a whole-ass month ago and nobody is talking about it?

Those mailmen ended up in a Mexican standoff situation and I only shot one (in self-defense). Disposing of human remains after a pistol duel has been legal in New Hampshire since the mid-1800s. Congressman McKinley has had it out for me ever since I slept with her dad at Lollapalooza. Literally 1984

I already have an AI-powered hologram of Ozzy Osbourne. I use it for "tributes" and impressing my neighbor Keith who is old and likes old people music.

To the guy who ran a red light and smashed a baby stroller full of cans at Galveston and Main about an hour ago (11:38 CDT): I hope you like your herring smoked. (won't say more than that. I think you know what I mean. If you don't, I guess it'll be a surprise when I come to your house to fuck you)

I spent a few moments of this cursed evening looking through the collected masks of my slain enemies. Gibraltar Pete's polished bone mask. The kevlar Venetian mask of Red Rebecca. The three almost identical face wrappings of the Genesis Triplets. So much death. Still so much to come.

I talked to God. He told me to suck his balls and said he was happy humans extincted the dodo because it wasn't as fuckable as an ostrich. He told me his son Jesus was a loser that died from AIDS and I said "wasn't he crucified?" and God got mad and killed my first-born. RIP Rogert Ebeetoson

The most genius thing here is the "limited number of stolen lives per enemy" thing. You gotta reclaim your extra lives but you won't game over from getting steamrolled by the same one dickwad enemy over and over. I like design ideas like this.

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the cumming of the lard.

If James Bond was American, his name would be Johnny Bravo. If he was British, he would be known as Jimmy Boobs.

There's a game called Better Than Dead that does this realistic bodycam shooter thing in a gritty setting. Aiming the gun in intentionally difficult and imprecise. 80% of the Steam comments are about how the gun should be made more precise and easier to aim. Gamers deserve nothing.

98% of stick drift issues with controllers could be fixed if users were simply allowed to define the deadzone for the sticks. "Analog" sticks are used fairly digitally most of the time anyway, pushing that thing fully to one direction. Those first few percentages of stick movement are useless.

Boston police have arrested five people for maining loli characters in fighting games.