me: alright God! I made it to a Seder, I think I’m finally ready to re-enter Jewish life. So…what’s next? God: great! So at the next holiday all you have to do is stay up really late. me: how late? Like 11? God: … me: great! I will see you all at Tisha B’Av ✌️

This is wild. No more Jewish content. I am just going to be talking about this clean up hack for as long as I’m on here.

I committed a cardinal sin yesterday…I sent my friend who is in a PhD program something else to read… I mean he asked me to send it but I still feel bad

This is true btw, it’s a well known problem amongst first grade teachers that Jewish students will cite “religious freedom” in order to get out of doing their math homework.

I have been singing this song all week, and no one else remembers the song so I have been feeling very alone in this endeavor.

My whole feed right now:

Looks like someone used ChatTNT

I must have the reproductive cycle of a rabbit the way I just keep throwing things out there

The time it takes to write a joke, from conception to birth, is the jestation period.

I want to be clear that any time I talk about the song “Friday” I do so with nothing but reverence. She gave us a Cultural Moment and it’s tragic that she suffered for it

My current understanding of private equity is that it’s nothing more than a support group for Daddy’s Special Little Boys, except instead of processing their feelings they buy up companies that they don’t understand and then work together to do everything they can to actively make them worse.

Made the mistake of looking through my personal Instagram this morning

Turkish people when you say you’ve been to Turkey: oh that’s so great! where did you go? what brought you there?? French people when you say you’ve been to France: how dare you

This post from Instagram on April Fools Day is wild to me because they have done everything in their power to make the app useless to small businesses to the point where many have had to shut down and their official response is to like…mock them for it?

Two thoughts: 1. Making a list of three that actually includes four is the most Talmudic thing ever 2. Borscht absolutely has no place on this list. I am convinced that this soup is what actually drove my family out of Europe. (credit: @depthsofwikipedia.bsky.social but reposted with alt text)

What do you MEAN I have to choose what to wear every day? What do you MEAN I have to coordinate food for myself all the time? What do you MEAN life slowly trickles on no matter how much I need to rest? CAN EVERYONE PLEASE JUST CALM DOWN FOR A SECOND??

My friend who keeps kosher is in New York with his wife right now and he sent a picture of them at a Kosher For Passover Steakhouse and I have lived in the Bay Area for all my life so I am so shocked by this concept that he might as well have told me that they joined the Artemis crew on the moon

I finally got a mosquito with the electric fly swatter I bought….does it have to snap like that? I can’t do it chat I’m too soft, even with mosquitoes 😭😭

Petition to make “as overworked as a Dyson during Passover” into the next modern Jewish saying

If I were a plastic surgeon, I wouldn’t make my brand posting daily reels for 25k followers on Instagram that feature my gaggle of super hot nurses, but then again I’m not really someone who is looking for a cosmetic plastic surgeon at the moment, so what do I know?

Real ones: I wish it was longer

And to be completely, absolutely unsubtle: "And here's a story about a group stayed up all night doing the Seder!"

all as a prelude to Apple Snack Day and ultimately National Say You're Sorry Day

Wait so we have a holiday where we sing a song about animals, followed by a lot of days of counting, then we have a holiday all about how good it is to read?? Is this a religion or Sesame Street?

It’s not just that Christians holding Seders is weird, it’s that they can’t do it without also implying that the Jews are doing it “wrong” like excuse me that is a privilege reserved for the uncle no one likes who finds a new section of the chosen Haggadah to complain about every year.

Someone posted pictures from their Christian “Seder” on Threads and this is the meal that they served. I’m guessing it’s supposed to resemble a Seder plate but honestly it just looks like the kind of thing I would put together as a college girl with ADHD at 4PM when I hadn’t eaten yet that day.

People think it’s ridiculous that I want to be a hospital chaplain but what they don’t understand is that my mom used to work in hospitals as a child crisis responder and would take night shifts FOR FUN. I come by it honestly I guess 🤷‍♀️

Accurate.

One consequence of taking on this username that I never anticipated was the amount of people I know who try to offload their Maimonides readers on me.

Jews: “ughh why is the Seder so longgg?” Also Jews: “I guess we better mention the Shema real quick” Also Jews: “time to tell the story, let’s go all the way back to the FATHER OF JUDAISM” Also Jews: “You know what would be meaningful here? Some math!!”

trying my hand at cartooning, now seasonally appropriate 😂

😂

the other one I have to repost every year

Coming soon…. 🤭

Having to recite the Four Questions well into your thirties is embarrassing because you can just see all your relatives thinking “how has she not figured this out yet?”

One thing to know about me is that I’m a Spaniard plague truther 😤

Do you think they banned Cardinal Pizzaballa because they had already covered the country in tin foil? 🤔

Blaming Passover for the past couple day’s pattern of doing a lot of cleaning when I should be getting ready to leave 😶

I love and support my coworkers but still, whoever ate fish on a hot ass day and disposed of the packaging four days before trash day should be written up

It’s funny to me that Christians have chosen Passover of all Jewish holidays as the holiday to hyperfixate on appropriating like I know JEWS who don’t even want to celebrate Passover

Time to bring this back I guess because I see people making the joke and it’s making my eye twitch

Imagine going through the costly and arduous process of opening a restaurant only to go and name it “Ingredients” 😫

Perhaps this is contrarian of me, but I’ll never understand being in the MISSION and waiting in a line that wraps around the block for a specific Taqueria 30 minutes before it opens….

Shabbat Shalom and may every supporter of the JDL bake a challah that forgets to rise.

I just remembered the time my mom and I were on a cruise and in the lounge and this guy at the table next to us was complaining about how many Jews were on the ship. Sir, why are you taking the time to be bigoted when you are on a floating Petri dish of norovirus?

The youngest at the Seder: why is this night different from all other nights? Seder leader: well…. Youngest: nevermind I’ll just ask ChatGPT

My friend was fascinated by my description of my snack and asked me to send him a picture of the bag. When I did he pointed out that it had TWO different hechshers. Why might a product need two hechshers? Wrong answers only

It’s 5:30 AM on my day off and I’m already wide awake and I want to eat the rest of my Pad See Ew from dinner someone convince me to save it for later

it’s One Big Frog season