Out: gmar chatima Tova In: Yaaaaasss! Yom Kippur

Going to sleep when things get hard isn’t a sign of depression!! It’s prophetic!!

I relate to Jonah very personally because I too would like to be thrown overboard whenever I mildly inconvenience someone

I relate to Jonah very personally because I too am continually bothered by God when I would much rather just nap

i’m jewish and love owls so he must be on to something

i'm really curious what the logic was, is it just that owls are "studious"? XD

I work at a thrift store and one time a man brought up a box labeled “owls” and said “my mother-in-law was Jewish, so of course she loved owls!” and I keep thinking about him because I have no idea what he meant by that

My professional opinion (as a Jewish Merch maker) of better things they could have chosen: - Star of David (duh) - Menorah (bc every Jewish holiday has to have them) - Matzah (grocery stores know we loove matzah) - bagels - smashed Ten Commandments - a sin offering - arrival of Moshiach

Only 90’s kids remember

Yeah everything @maimonidesnutz.bsky.social makes is cool and if I won the lottery I wouldn't tell anyone but there would be signs....

Do you ever have a shift where you finally get off of it and you’re like….”what do you mean now I have to rejoin the living??”

Be sure to tell all your friends about Maimonides Nutz 😃

I asked a guy what he was studying in grad school and he said “I’m an academic let’s leave it at that” so I unmatched him because I don’t know what on earth an academic could be working on that would make them not want to talk about it

well done well done, lubavitchers everywhere taking notes

POV Yom Kippur is coming up and you don’t know what you’re going to wear

My trust in the men I’m going on dates with has reached critically low levels. I literally no longer believe anything they say to me. One of them could say “the sky is blue” and I’d be like “okay let’s not get carried away here”

I am so confused as to why, when advertising a city with as many attractions as Amsterdam, this company chose to use an AI generated colorized portrait of Anne Frank….

Nobody: Nobody: Nobody: My Therapist:

Everyone keeps talking about the rapture so when I ask if you want to WRAP tefillin, your answer better be “SURE”

The Oven of Akhnai is like the reverse of the Frankenstein/Frankenstein’s monster confusion

Got some requests to make this available on t-shirts/etc again so I did it :) www.bonfire.com/who-by-fire/ Orders close October 3rd!!

Roughly translated, Avinu Malkeinu can mean “Daddy we’ve been naughty please don’t punish us”

Shema the Beit Shammai way! Morning shema = standing up Bedtime shema = lying down Depression shema = curled up into a ball

Any Shema can be the bedtime Shema if you’ve got enough depression

Musaf was invented because the morning service is for dissociating

Out: circumcise the foreskin of our heart In: circumcise the foreskin of our Uggs

Foreskin Uggs were not on my 2025 bingo card

Does anyone else see it???

2) count pages until the end of the service during the silent amidah

Ahh the eternal struggle of Judaism (step 2)

How to seek forgiveness from God: 1. Atone 2. ???? 3. Return to your divine origin

My friend posted that she thought her past self would think her current self was pretty cool so I thought about what MY past self would think about ME now and I think she’d say “yeah that seems about right”

I feel targeted by this image

Ashamnu, Bagel-nu….

Warning: very visceral art ahead: “When will You raise up Your daughter from the pit; and from the dungeon, [will You] break her yoke? May You act wondrously when You go forth like a hero, to bring an end and conclusion to her ailments. Let the year and its curses conclude!” - Achot Ketanah

Please victimize me sky daddy!!!

I feel like I’m reflecting on the last two years this year. Last year I had to miss Yom Kippur so I guess it didn’t count?

🙋‍♀️

“Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt personally victimized by god 🙋‍♀️

The meme-r has become a meme herself 🥲

Spammers texting us like: "URGENT! Your social security number is on a list to be cancelled due to inactivity. If this is incorrect, click here IMMEDIATELY" ... "This is real, btw." ... "Sorry we didn't give you more advance warning, we should have prepared you."

📯📯📯📯📯📯📯📯📯 📯📯📯 📯📯📯 📯📯📯 📯 📯 📯 📯 📯 📯 📯 📯 📯 📯📯📯📯📯📯📯📯📯

This is the funniest scam message I could get right before Rosh Hashanah. Sadly I don’t think they’re talking about being spiritually awake

Ya Shema Evyonecha (God please hear your destitute!) Sephardic piyyut

no mercy 🙌

I hope all your toilet paper is single ply and already wet when you go to use it. I hope your knee buckles every 19th step. I hope Billy Joel’s Uptown Girl is stuck on repeat on your downstairs neighbors loud speakers every time you eat and drink.

Surely there must be a Yiddish curse that’s like “I hope you only find paper towels when you need to blow your nose”