My inner monologue is constantly fluctuating between “the best revenge is a life well lived” and “the easiest revenge is bludgeoning”

I will continue to ask this until the issue is resolved.

Naturally, this triggered a conversation between @dmjazzyhands.bsky.social and I because we’re insufferable and we (I) have concluded this is not as dumb a question as it seems, but it is the WRONG question. The correct question is “Why do hummingbirds have feet?” (I am completely sober right now)

I hit my reading goal this year and now I’m making that your problem! Come watch me tier rank the 57 books I read this year today at 1 PM ET at twitch.tv/ellisthe12th

Finally watching Del Toro’s Frankenstein and my full thoughts are TBD, but I will say that I was not prepared for Lauren Collins to make an appearance, and my partner was DEFINITELY not prepared for my 20 minute info dump about her iconic time as Paige Michalchuk on Degrassi: The Next Generation.

Failures as a white dude: haven’t seen Back to The Future or *gasp* The Godfather Failures as an actor/theatermaker/person with a BFA: haven’t seen or read Hamlet in its entirety (and at this point it’s become a game to see how long I can keep that streak going)

Self-tape auditions are a pain in the ass, but sometimes they give you an excuse to shout “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” at your boyfriend and that is a 10/10 experience that I cannot recommend enough.

Dealer: Name of the game is 5 card stud. Player 1: I’m in. Player 2: I’m in. Me, wearing only 5 playing cards taped strategically to my body: So there’s been a misunderstanding.

One terrible thing about being from a small town is when you casually use a folksy phrase from home and immediately think "God, I hope that doesn't have a racist origin."

Everyone argues about who the villain of Devil Wears Prada is, but we can all agree the moral of that story is “If you live in New York, your friends, lover, coworkers and boss will all be huge assholes.”

New mother: Actually, we’d prefer to use ‘they/them’ pronouns until the baby is old enough to- Me: Are you asking me to stop referring to your baby as “it”? NM: Yes, please and thank you.

It’s good to see the Silent Hill monster design team are still some of the biggest perverts to ever walk God’s green Earth.

“You don’t have a problem, lots of people have a glass of wine or two while they make dinner” I tell myself as I pull my 5-minute lasagna from the microwave.

The other day, a nurse told me my resting heart rate has gotten so low that it’s “basically the bare minimum to sustain life” and apparently “Sweet, almost to my goal” was NOT the response he wanted.

How many KPop Demon Hunters songs can I add to my Bar Trivia Host playlist before I start getting complaints from the sports guys?

My high school bio teacher once said “allergies are just your body’s very reasonable reaction to plants trying to have sex with you” and I think about that every time I sneeze now.

If you saw me stick my head in the Hungry Man freezer at the grocery store while sobbing and quietly singing “Let It Go” to myself today, no you didn’t.

Dudes, the "crisis" that men are facing, is self-imposed. You've flattened the definition of masculinity into something ugly, unhealthy and unsustainable. You don't need Communist Joe Rogan to appear to lead you to True Manhood, you just need to stop fearing empathy.

Much like a gathering of lions is called a “pride” and a gathering of crows is a “murder”, a gathering of teenage boys is a “fucking nuisance”

“You said you were gonna stop drunk requesting books from the library, Sam, you PROMISED.” - me to myself every Monday morning when I check my email

Most white dudes I know: I know everyone thinks this, but I just don’t think I’d be susceptible to brainwashing. I’m a free thinker. The exact same white dudes, en masse, as soon as Mr. Brightside comes on: 🎶COMING OUTTA MY CAGE AND I BEEN DOING JUST FINE-🎶

To folks watching the new season of You: is it just Anna Camps, or is it Annas Camp like Attorneys General?

I am staunchly opposed to the death penalty with the one exception of people who have annoying ringtones and leave their volume on in public.

PSA for straight people curious after last night’s #TheWhiteLotus: if your husband has a cuck fetish, you don’t need to give an entire backstory that would make Freud want to bleach his eyes. You can just say “My husband has a cuck fetish, you down?”

Every Netflix Executive about 5 years ago: What if we get 8-16 of the most attractive, emotionally stunted heterosexuals into a house, marinate them in alcohol, put money on the line and convince them that this is an effective way to start a long-term romantic relationship?

FRIENDS! Bit of a dogsitting emergency this morning, but we’re still doing some Stardew today! Keep an eye out around 10 AM ET and then I’ll see you at twitch.tv/ellisthe12th

Hey friends, lost my voice at the day job today so unfortunately gonna have to skip Mystery Mondays tonight, I barely have one voice, let alone 30. See you on Wednesday for (the thankfully voice acted) Firewatch!

Hey friends, slight delay, will be diving into Stardew at 9 AM ET today!

Hi friends! Mixing up the schedule a bit once again, and going live 4 times this week! Come hang with me at twitch.tv/ellisthe12th

Friends! My weekend is busy, so we're gonna mix it up and do some streams next week! Come hang out with me on a school night at twitch.tv/ellisthe12th

WHOOPS! Sorry friends, I straight up misread my work schedule and won’t be able to stream tonight. We’ll do some Pentiment next week, tune in for that!

Friends! We're doing 4 streams this week, and boy howdy is it an eclectic set of games. Come hang out for something cozy, something scary, something medieval or something fantastic, we've got it all for you! twitch.tv/ellisthe12th

Hey friends! We're playing not 1, but 2 new games this weekend! Come check them out with me at twitch.tv/ellisthe12th!

Hey friends! We're on for the weekend, come spend a morning with me at twitch.tv/ellisthe12th Schedule below!

I'm playing Duck Detective from 7-9 ET! Come by for some laughs and a mystery while I figure out what the duck is going on! twitch.tv/ellisthe12th

Hey friends, no Friday stream this week, but we're on for this weekend! Schedule below, come hang out! twitch.tv/ellisthe12th

Hey friends! No stream tonight, but will get back into things this weekend (keep an eye out for that schedule) and I solemnly swear we'll do Duck Detective next week. In the meantime, my YouTube channel is up! Check it out here: www.youtube.com/@itssamellis

Hey friends! Gonna mix it up a little and do Sunday Scaries from 10am-12pm ET today. Hope to see you there!

Hey friends! Here's my streaming schedule for this weekend, hope you get a chance to swing on by twitch.tv/ellisthe12th

Friends! Gonna be wrapping up Case of the Golden Idol: The Lemurian Vampire in about an hour, come see how this wild ride ends! twitch.tv/EllisThe12th

Oh, what’s that on my stream schedule? It’s Mystery Mondays tonight from 7-9 ET! Come solve The Case of The Golden Idol (well, technically the Lemurian Vampire DLC) at twitch.tv/EllisThe12th

My headcanon is that Star Wars and Trek are in the same universe, but Star Wars takes place in a galaxy that the Federation’s decided isn’t worth the time. “Why is this space mostly blank?” “Oh, that place is a mess. They build planets that blow up other planets. One time, a moon shot at Janeway.”

Friends! I’m gonna be playing some Stardew over on twitch.tv/ellisthe12th at 8 AM Eastern. If you want a chill way to start the weekend, come hang!

Saturday night, at 8pm, I’m joining @dmjazzyhands.bsky.social, @samellis.bsky.social, @arassivad.bsky.social, and @dandillon.bsky.social at the table under the masterful DM, @veemuse.bsky.social! It’s going to be amazing and I cannot wait for everyone to meet this character… (3/🧵)

SURPRISE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO QUIT LINK! Going live now with some random Hyrule Hijinks. And BONUS: @samellis.bsky.social is joining me to help me with the Players' Guide (and undoubtedly roast my ass when I do something goofy). Join us! twitch.tv/DMJazzyHands

This went really well, and we raised $1000 for Stream for a Cause! Thanks to Gayming Magazine for giving us the space, Jack Dixon for the D&D adventure I ran, and @dclasair.bsky.social for producing.