not to be too millennial cringe on main, but i am in fact working on my night cheese

my mother has this little machine that removes callouses and dead skin from your feet and it’s called a… “pedi file”

this detail has always made me insane. WHYYY is the mid-30s mom at the rest stop (whose car Michael steals) driving a 1956 International Harvester Travelall? the car was 32 years old! it’s such a weird, anachronistic choice and i cannot find a single rationale for it anywhere.

twirling my chest hair while i watch Halloween H20 hbu

Melissa Barrera gave the worst performance of the franchise in Scream (2022), only to make up for it 110% and knock it out of the park in Scream VI. i’m quite fond of her

watching Scream (2022) this morning

NO. unacceptable. incorrect. false. absurd.

Myki Meeks robbed in bright daylight with thousands of witnesses. someone call the police!

Lalaparuzza 2.0 incoming?

have a headache :( could it maybe be because i slept 4 hours last night and i haven’t eaten or had any caffeine today? there’s no way to know.

Kevin Williamson really made that gay cop in Scream 2 say “don’t ask don’t tell” as his LAST WORDS

still mad about Sminty being sent home if i’m being honest

HELP my mother has become obsessed with the Punch monkey

Scream 2 is excellent — one of the best sequels of all time — but ranking it higher than the original is so wrong. setting aside the fact that Scream is just a better movie (it is), it also had a seismic impact on the genre in ways only a handful of horror films ever have.

also just found out i can expense most of the cost of the fancy chair through work yayyyyyy what a beautiful daayyyyyy ☀️

feeling so BUTCH and MAN today, y’all can’t tell me nothing. (i put together my fancy new desk chair all by myself EVEN THOUGH the instructions in two steps say “get a friend to help”)

i’d be so much less annoying if i had a goat. instead of being annoying i’d just feed the goat, pet the goat, take the goat on walks and meet all the neighborhood dogs (who i’m sure would be delighted about the goat). we’d be inseparable, me and my goat, the bestest of friends.

quick afternoon checkin, everyone doing ok?

new ANTM doc series was pretty terrible. almost nothing added to the well-known lore of the show and basically no interrogation, fact-checking, or actual investigation of anything. it’s just a series of recaps and deflections of blame. an overall boring waste of an opportunity.

i just found out dogs have chicken-flavored toothpaste. i ummm. need. that.

one of my besties wanted to see Wuthering Heights with me today at 4:00. curiosity almost convinced me to say yes but then i remembered that time is finite and i shan’t be wasting it in that manner.

🚨 SUBURGATORY IS NOW ON NETFLIX 🚨

“my steak too juicy” hehe sowwy [my version of steak au poivre + arugula tossed in lemon and olive oil] [i should’ve added sliced apples and almonds to the salad BUTTTT here we are]

i made one of my favorites, a fruit tart 🤩 almond pâte sucrée, a thin layer of strawberry jam, vanilla bean crème pâtissière, kiwis, strawberries, blackberries, blueberries, and pomegranate arils with an apricot jam-cointreau glaze.

any guesses about this month’s film club theme?

good morning my babies 💋

i’m trying to keep him off the scent. and he’s literally 5 episodes into season 4, he’s almost there!!!

it’s so funny that the first 6 minutes of Friday the 13th Part 2 is just a recap of Part 1. and then Part 3 does the same for Part 2. 6 whole minutes each time!

happy Friday the 13th to my spooky girlies. if you need any recommendations, i gotchu

highly recommend calling someone younger than you “almost 40.” so much fun.

oh it’s Tina Burner on this week’s Pit Stop, sure sure not a problem

if i were Myki Meeks i wouldn’t even be mad at the voting shenanigans. Ciara isn’t real competition and she got a chance to show off and have fun. but i do think she should be allowed to carry around some matches and lighter fluid in the next episode.

ahh yes flags, the national pastime for fat girls.

i laughed out loud at Darlene’s runway. i love her lmaooo

RuPaul Charles, one of the most beautiful women alive, looks a goddamn mess in this dress tonight omfg 😭

Jane’s Björk > Katya’s Björk 🤭

i am SICK of people blending up perfectly good cottage cheese. “i DoN’t LiKe ThE tExTuRe” well you’re grown, maybe you should be an adult.

sorry i can’t do anything today. i’m busy watching videos of the Westminster agility runs.

having leftover cookie dough in your freezer is the best thing you can do in life, actually

i’m finally not sick anymore for the first time all week, which yay! but also depressing how excited i am just to be able to breathe and not have constant chills lol.

the fact that season 4 of Buffy traded Cordelia, Faith, Oz, Angel and Wes for… Tara and Riley. a monumental downgrade that we’ve never seen the likes of before or since.

the older i get, the more i turn into my father [seasonal depression] AND my mother [pregnant at 36]

hair on the shaft is proof that either a) god does not exist or b) he hates us

i just ate my first peanut butter and jelly sandwich in… 10 years? not bad!

you’re actually homophobic if you won’t pee in my mouth

SCREAMING WHAT A LIP SYNC I WANNA WATCH IT A THOUSAND TIMES AAHHHHHHHHH ‼️‼️‼️‼️

it’s so fun to slap a full belly. if you haven’t tried it before, you simply must

oh hi Nini Coco! oh no… what’s happening to me… I—

Ciara, girl… 🙄

“y’all thought we were playing checkers, but we’re playing CHESS!” - the dumbest people alive (who, by the way, have never played chess)