kept thinking "why's drawing *still* so weird and hard even on days where there's less pain" before realizing i missed one critical piece of this standing desk setup: the ~2.5in shrinkwrapped stack of USPS flat-rate boxes i put under the tablet last time to bring it up to the right height

feel like giving up again and i hate it

come onnnnnnnn body gimme something to fucking work with!! i swear i am going to invent some kind of passive hovering device that i can attach to myself then saw off everything below my ass

"i wonder if there are any linux-native DAWs that don't suck shit now" i say, about to be disappointed for the eleventy billionth time since the early 00s,

i need to worrrk i need grocerieees how do i tell my body to finish getting Less Bad in a hurryyy

it's been 3 days in a row of 2x 20-minute moderate-intensity cardio things (i've been lugging an old portable elliptical around since uuhhh 2014? but haven't used it much until now) & aside from exercise-related aches the *other* lower-back-to-feet pains are getting less every day. I am Angery,,,

also getting help with trying some kind of seating arrangement that *might* help with other problems (weird circulatory shit) which means maybe i can get back to working on an actual desk and not a lectern/podium thingy, because even if i was in perfect shape, standing too much is Also Bad, Actually

bassarisky.bandcamp.com/track/strawb... this is silly. (also wow i did. Something. at all. too bad it was not what i need to do) (that said: i think i've discovered something about my health situation and it's kinda making me mad with how easy the solution is if it's true)

remember when i used to make things. that was nice. wonder if i can ever fucking do that again without my fucking body fucking betraying me every fucking time i think i'm fucking getting fucking better

i, m a fucken bunny (initially a warmup that went way too far as i kept picking at it over several days. why do i keep doing that. why can't i just do a real warmup and then switch taskOh Right. ADHD. taking my brain out of my head and pushing it off the desk into the trash can with a stick)

overdue power + gas bills now taken care of thanks to someone continuing to look out for my ass?? asddgfhjhkj

i want (and need) to draw so fucking bad it's making me want to have a breakdown, my body is just absolute garbage. can't sit for longer than 15 seconds or feet hurt, can't stand for long or feet hurt in a *different* way, lying down hurts pretty much everything, painkillers do *nothing*

i don't want to curse myself because lately it seems like every time i say "hey i think i can work again" Some Fucking Thing happens, but. tomorrow? maybe?? feels right??? i fucking hope. unless my arms fall off and my ass vanishes and reappears 3 feet to the left and my head turns into lettuce and

on one side the physical end of my health seems to be improving (thanks vitamins & minerals i was not getting for years) on the other side i'm more dissatisfied with my art than i've ever been & i have a bunch of long overdue work to finish and bills piling up & honestly i just want to die ha haaa

don't really. feel like being around anymore

latest arrival to the "we've decided to pound our dicks flat with this huge rock for no reason" party: the blender foundation

i'm starting to feel that awful mental scab peel off and there's at least *some* Make Shit energy under it. thank FUCK lmao i was worried i was gonna be completely burned out for good

posted 2 other milfreed doodles to the paysites www.patreon.com/posts/more-m... subscribestar.adult/posts/2418322

time to uhhhhhhh ???

can i interest you in some demon tdick? #nsfwart #demon #transman

ehehehe

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

folks,

general feelings of "alive-ness" definitely improving, but now i just have to figure out how to blast away the lingering burnout i guess. in spite of all the other stuff that was going wrong with me, i correctly identified that as one of the things wow, if only i actually liked video games, etc >:|

been trying to get something done for a commissioner for *months* and i'm trying to throw my entire skillset into it and the direction i'm going feels *right* compared to a previous attempt but i'm also like it should not have taken this long lmao. i should've been on several The Next Things already

can the bills and the food costing money and the everything just stop for like five seconds i need to catch my breath

absolutely *nothing* i do stops one of the most annoying sensations which is: at least a few times a day (usually while lying down but not always) i'll get palpitations/tachycardia out of nowhere followed by both feet feeling like they've suddenly been filled with fish tank gravel. lasts 4-5 minutes

everything below my knees hurts in an increasing gradient from "annoying ache" to "a bunch of microscopic frag grenades exploding every few seconds" the further down things get, so i can only assume it's nerves going "oh fuck we're still here?? ok time to check in with The Brain" or something

okay i should try to see if i can actually do things now, or if the millions of brain bees are still there every time i touch work. i'm still having most of the laundry list of issues i've had for months (years in a few cases) but they're getting...fainter...i think....................,,, so,

in retrospect i probably should have waited until the morning to try an iron supplement because I Am Now Extremely Awake plus side is that's probably a good sign i actually needed it. downside is my guts are probably gonna hate me all night either way

i was hoping trying to deal with longstanding deficiencies from having a Very Crap Diet from being A Poor would help my sleep quality but it hasn't done fucking anything for it. still getting 4-6 hours a night tops, little of it actually restful/restorative. i need a hibernate button like a PC imo

still steadily climbing back out of the hole i accidentally put myself in but i'm like "hurry up brain there's like 6 days left of this month and i desperately need to do shitttt" and pushing on my brain's ass because it's blocking my climb

ok definitely Feeling More Human than i have in a whiiiiile today getting back on B12 but i'm... still not quite there. i figured it'd take a bit but i'm still like hurryyyy uppppppp

(sees mood + ability to do anything drop sharply over several months) (sees me, several months ago, running out of B12 & going "maybe i don't need more, maybe i don't have pernicious anemia after all, i feel fine") (takes 3000μg B12 this morning, feels like someone used phoenix down on me) I'm Gonna

error: brain is full of bees and i cannot remove my head

fursona but they wear the glasses i actually own #capydraws

didn't you put your phone in the pool because it was too hot or something?

tired of feeling like my body's trying to kill me is all

it would be nice to just step into a booth that scans you head to toe and 1. finally tells you exactly what's wrong with you, then 2. dispenses a single pill that you only have to take once to fix it all, for 3. $0,000.00, because i am getting so tired of The Curse

me last week: oh shit i fucked up. how am i gonna move all these "why blocked me" t-shirts? i'm ruined me today:

got a weird gut feeling something very strange is about to happen but idk what

stuck in that gross place for the past several days where i spend all day trying to get the specific kind of energy i need to actually sit down and work but by the time i have it, it's almost midnight and i'm too tired to put it to use. biggest bunch of bullshit ever

i don't even live there anymore but i got a sudden weird urge to (eventually, when i have the time) do a macro thing of one of my characters sitting on like, the oltorf/congress HEB. because Here Everything's Butt

i slept four hours and they weren't even good ones

im gonna lose my fucking mind from laughing i cant breathe www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPVs...

loool i tried to open the bsky app and now it's just giving me "verify your age plz" shit. which even if i *wanted* to i can't do because the button itself is just a rate limit exceeded error right now

brainfart moment: for a brief moment i thought i'd remembered having some site space on furnation back in the (very) late 90s but then i remembered i skipped out on it and hosted my site off my own hardware for a bit instead (it was slowwwwww when it was up, i was doing it on fucking *dial-up* lmao)

(taps the this)

i have commissions i need to finish (and i need to do more because I Am Even More Fucken Broke) but also i need to do website work but also i need to do an example piece for the website refresh but also i need sleep but also everything hurts but also-- can (gestures wildly) settle down for a second

"you used to be more talkative" yeah some shit happened years ago that made me reevaluate personally being a social animal and also my posting gland dried up and fell off