i normally panic a lot more when i've got less than a week left to get rent but i've been so *terminally* fucking exhausted lately i can't even bring myself to feel anything about it other than a vague distant stabbing sensation in my brain. that's probably not ideal

they should invent pain that doesn't

it shouldn't be as difficult as it is to find good photos of the entire living wall top to bottom at the pittsburgh westin. and yet (if i wasn't broke and broken i'd just take a bus over there and do it myself but i can manage with the refs i've got. still though)

desperately trying to sketch for a couple different comms while fighting gravity with shitty shitty shitty legs. the urge to just collapse and stop doing anything forever is Currently Increasing

have a korki thing i gave up on months ago but might revisit if i ever get the time because i still kinda like how ~beefy~ he looks here

ahhh shit one more warmup thing from weeks ago i forgot to post. i was just messing around here but That's Why My 'Sona Is A Shapeshifter etc.

lmao. "ok pain's finally low enough that i can work" meanwhile, the fucking weather, maaan i've got rent and bills i need to deal with fuck thisss

when i *can* actually get sleep in bits & pieces i keep having dreams where i throw myself off buildings or cut my arms off or some other gruesome thing, but instead of waking up when i die, i just end up back in one piece and standing in front of my computer in-dream. unsure of how to feel about it

it's been a real fucking awful pain day and i wish i had a switch i could flip that just knocks me out for 8 hours so i could maybe, somehow, get a complete night of restful and restorative sleep for the first time in several years

(eve again but right before she *finished* digging up the late 90s with that shovel)

i pushed it further (oops) eve has officially dug up the late 90s (hence the shovel)

have a korki thing i gave up on months ago but might revisit if i ever get the time because i still kinda like how ~beefy~ he looks here

awake. time to work all day to stave off the mounting panic that is entirely my own fault etc

ahhh shit one more warmup thing from weeks ago i forgot to post. i was just messing around here but That's Why My 'Sona Is A Shapeshifter etc.

"what are you gonna do on the 25th" work & work & work because i still need to make all of my rent and a water bill & internet bill & a couple other small bills wheee!! (tbh i did this to myself by trying to force through something for WEEKS that wasn't working for me. not doing that again)

(eve again but right before she *finished* digging up the late 90s with that shovel)

i pushed it further (oops) eve has officially dug up the late 90s (hence the shovel)

thrifting!! (comm for @cmddog.com)

a two-liter of foxgirl hog under the christmas treeeee

finally: a weird late-90s-ish eve warmup from yesterday. fox fox fox (i've been not doing/posting my warmups because i felt weird even doing them when i've got work to do but it's probably part of why i got burned out again: not balancing things correctly then wondering why i crash & burn pffthhhh)

my! substances!! some of them, (and now a warmup from a week and change ago)

so close to done with a revised sketch of something due* weeks ago but now my back/shoulders/neck feel like someone hit them with a sledgehammer because i'm not used to having Correct Posture anymore, it's like the standing desk has shifted the bulk of the pain from my bottom half to my top half. ??

reconfigured login stuff (since i moved PDSes a few months back) because i technically did it wrong before, i *think* the issue some people were having with not being able to reply even while following me might be fixed now? (it at least fixed my "not being able to post GIFs/videos" issue, so maybe)

here's something old that i don't think i've put here yet: a (tiny) mio sprite from 2015

This Thing's Too Fucken Heavy. h elp (a warmup from uhhhh 3+ weeks ago. guh)

just realized i never posted this infinite rose + mint thing. welp this is from the beginning of november when i was still getting used to using krita since SAI 2 has a weird memory bug under wine that makes it unusable at the resolutions i work with

note to self: reminder to never say "i'll do ___ tomorrow" (or whenever) again because *literally every time i do* i curse myself to Not Doing Anything due to either outside circumstances, health issues, or both. i'll just quietly Do Thing & that's it, fuck fate i'm going silent & sliding under it

rose rose rose rose rose!! (just a rust-exorcising warmup)

synthi warmup doodle. i really like this (improved) brush

synthi warmup sketch yeahhh

(90dB bunny noise) time for loud music and caffeine and work

here's a Christmas thing from last year that i hastily deleted + am now reposting (he's fine, see alt text) #nsfwart #demon #bondage #malesub #bdsm

i have to sleep now but tomorrow i'm going to be plowing through work for multiple people because i finally feel like the Brain Shit has mostly shaken out. (good timing too because it'll be the 20th in like 8 minutes and there's all the (gestures vaguely at Merely Living costing money) to deal with)

finally: a weird late-90s-ish eve warmup from yesterday. fox fox fox (i've been not doing/posting my warmups because i felt weird even doing them when i've got work to do but it's probably part of why i got burned out again: not balancing things correctly then wondering why i crash & burn pffthhhh)

This Thing's Too Fucken Heavy. h elp (a warmup from uhhhh 3+ weeks ago. guh)

just realized i never posted this infinite rose + mint thing. welp this is from the beginning of november when i was still getting used to using krita since SAI 2 has a weird memory bug under wine that makes it unusable at the resolutions i work with

changing gears, actually coming at this commission from the correct direction now after deciding to scrap the last attempt and it's feeling *much* closer to what i'd had in mind (and more fun to work on). so much about the prior attempt was too stiff and compositionally "dead" to me, so hooray

what the fuck honestly

aaand i guess the oven's fucked up too. great it's taken 45 minutes to get to 150°F

grocery situation is fucking dire hhhhfhf

anyway. onward, upward, etc

i have decided to give up

full of thoughts and most of them bad. wishing i could undo a lot of things i fucked up, also wishing i could like *anything* i've been trying to work on well enough to not feel like i'm busting boulders in half with my face but thaaat's fucking depression huh

sorry. shit's bad and it's my own fault

an entire eve! wow!! 🎨

also seriously want to thank whoever sent me that bit of cash yesterday because i forgot about an auto-paying bill that hit me this morning and it *just* covered it. perfect timing 😭

changed to a podium-ish standing desk i've had sitting around for uuuhhhh 12 years(??) that i got either very cheap from value village or off the curb (can't fully remember) and somehow my body hurts *somewhat less*. what is this. (the trick is: $8 aldi crocs with plantar fasciitis insoles in them)

I cannot stress enough that most ppl don't ever even think about calling their reps. I talk to ppl in my fam about it and they go "Huh? What?". But your reps work for YOU. They need to know what you actually care about. When we call in big numbers it ALERTS them, cuz they rarely hear from us.

#SaveSpeech Netchoice won their legal battle against Age verification in louisiana! This follows similar rulings in AK and OH! This is huge! These laws can be stopped, they can be overturned. Do not give in to dooming! Keep calling your reps and support orgs that fight these laws in court!

fridge is threadbare, pantry's nearly there save for ramen/canned beans/freeze-dried strawberries, got uuuhhh ~$10 left to my name. if i internalize all this shit maybe my brain will fully cooperate & let me zone out and work (spoiler: lol. lmao. my brain has no survival instinct and infinite spite)