Today my coworker told me I need to have kids because there needs to be more white babies because white people invent everything. I will simply engage him in polite debate and change his mind with my well researched points

I am da pornkin king

Pretty messed up that I probably can't go to rodcon because my wife is donating a kidney. Very disappointing. Need to have a talk with her about selfishness and trying to live our values.

Reading a reddit thread of people coming up with examples of/ideas for good ways white people can do blackface. 🙏✌️

Everybody was telling fun stories about their families around a fire tonight and the first one I thought of was when my mom got pistol whipped. Not because it's a fun story, but I can't think of fun ones. We mostly tell awful stories and laugh about how awful the story is.

The event of the year

Doing research overseas

I'll make a big pile of bacon and eggs one day if we share a house on vacation. It will taste only OK, but it'll be a lot of it.

I wish I was an epic pimp

I put off my honeymoon so I could wait for Rod to stream again 😔

It's cool living in a liberal bubble with people who all work from home because they're like, "I think people are mostly good deep down" and this morning my boss happily/jokingly told me about the time he ran over a guy sleeping in the parking lot who died in the hospital from it.

I'd argue that having diarrheoa is cool

- I sit on the toilet and dribble pee - I get up and waddle to the sink with my pants still down - I brush my teeth with my stuff out - I sit back on the toilet and dribble more pee This is the grindset mindset and it's not for the weak

I prefer being a small man because my relative size lets me appreciate the size of more butts than The Tall and Greedy.

Ezra Klein is incredibly annoying.

Is this new guy still gonna have the pope accent

show me a pic from your phone that has your energy that isn't a selfie

I need songs that you think should be on a wedding playlist. Anything even if you think there's no way I wouldn't already have thought of it. Please 🙏

Bummed my fiancee won't let me make our dress code, "dressy casual/battle damage"

Finding out most old guys don't want to vote to strike because they think the bosses are nice and it's not worth it (meaning the boss read everyone like a book when they made the shitty offer and didn't budge).

This is incredibly funny to think about. Truly just the most simp shit for the absolute minimum.

There should be a version of plur for people that go to reptile shows

I'd make a star wars movie where I'm a storm trooper that gets sucked from the back like, all the time

I've gotten so good at smoking weed that I now have an opinion on the difference between live resin and hash rosin. This will probably be my greatest accomplishment in life.

Feel horrible for the worms ... will quit silk soon 😔

I've finally trained myself to smoke a lot of weed

The wayfair lady sounds so shy and scared when she says, "home" I hope she's ok

I'm going to smoke weed and play videogames and carve a pice of wood and take my nasty dog for a walk and give her a bath probably. Maybe I'll even honk my underparts later who knows.

My new app bink bonk will let you watch as many videos as you want and the only information I collect is you have to email me a fact about yourself every month.

There should be a Santa for new years

He's a mean one mister binch

Finally took my brother-in-law up on smoking weed with him during a gathering with my fiancee and her family and friends. Last time I got high around anyone in public was rodcon. Wish me a very not go nonverbal

I couldn't get cremated because I'd try and snort all the damn ashes

Hey everyone. Have to confess that I just asked someone at the theater if they knew who Al Menne was (because I thought it might be him) but they said no and I didn't elaborate. Gonna bury myself alive

Ty for the good song @howelldawdy.bsky.social 🙏

I don't really care that Biden pardoned his son, but Leonard Peltier sure has been a political prisoner for a pretty fucking long time. Democrats are just as happy as Republicans to let him die in jail. Cool country and world!

Remember how everybody said, "whomst" for like a month?

Somebody tell rod his account was hacked

When is Rodcon

bugs

*after checking bluesky to get topical material for my stand up set* "Furry inflation diaper porn is in the news again. Have you heard about this? Have you seen this?"

I like candy corn. Twizzlers are better than red vines. Circus peanuts are good. Saltwater taffy is good. Peeps are good. Cadbury cream eggs are great too. If you don't like it, I'll change my mind at the slightest pushback.

I like the non chocolate tootsie rolls better than the chocolate ones. 💅✌️💪💪

I've watched I Saw The TV Glow I think over like, 11 or 12 times now and I'm still really in love with it.

Have you Seen This Animal?

Scary big mouth big teeth is played out. The new shit is tiny mouth tiny teeth

I'm rolling up toilet paper into a little point and sticking it in my ear and wiggling it around. And when I take it out? You know I just have to give that badboy a sniff 😎

Very good text in the family chat

Ate vegetarian chili for the past few meals and I'm farting like crazy 👍