Got told I "look like a Marvel villain" for wearing an N95 at work today in a stunning indictment of both my workplace's attitudes toward disease prevention and Marvel's costuming department

Tay Kolma jumpscare in Speed Racer lmao. Great movie

Being good at Excel rocks. You show one guy how absolute references work and the office will worship you like a god

Everybody always pictures themselves going into a Saw trap perfectly healthy, but I'm sick and it would hurt just to scream, so my bar for which traps would kill me is way lower. Not ideal

Pretty fucked up that being sick makes you require more water while also making it painful to drink water. Intelligent design my ass

I need to be put in a Saw trap that makes me have to clean my bathroom or else I drown in bleach or something

If we somehow got an aggressive liberal president they'd be constantly accused of "Trump-like tactics" and they should start practicing now how to say "Yeah I did that and it was good." The familiar cautious approach full of self limiting caveats and hand wringing would be a failure

Is every word of Mr. Blue Sky supposed to be completely unintelligible or am I just fucking deaf lmao

I could never be an astronaut because if I heard even a whisper about mechanical issues with the only toilet on board I would open both airlock doors

So Jesus died and then came back, but he must have died for real a second time of just old age or something, right? I feel like I never hear about that one

People who eat food in bed (heathens) are always eating some coward's food like chips or pretzels. Put your money where your mouth is. State fair turkey leg

*sigh* I'm gonna have to learn how to draw rocks aren't I

I can't help but shout out to the Tourette's community

Reverse John Wick where a dog kills a bunch of guys

They should invent an outgrown hair

Curling is the beer ball of Olympic sports

Guy whose favorite genre of music is "elevator"

Any worthwhile opposition party might consider ideologically differentiating themselves from the extremely unpopular fascist organization terrorizing the country, even though their material support is part of how we got here at all. Let's check in to see what our opposition party has in mind

Microdosing being an airline pilot by witnessing beautiful sunrises as I drive through the mountains on my way in to work

Everybody talks about how nostalgia is a fascist impulse, which is true imo, but unfortunately that does mean that 1985 by Bowling for Soup reads as evil to me lmao

New terrible product idea: crunchy bubblegum

Nvm I'm cracked actually

Balatro should come with an analysis mode like chess where it shows you how you blundered bc I am apparently terrible lmao

Going back in time to cancel myself because Professor X wasn't bald before he got paralyzed so there's no way to do this without also incorporating a wheelchair. Gotta come up with another non-ripped bald guy

Schrodinger's bald guy Halloween costume: if I get ripped, I go as Bane, and if I don't, I go as Professor X

It should be illegal to sell a sponge that removes the finish from kitchen cabinets

It's fucked up that cold weather makes your shit shrivel up, but warm weather just makes it normal. Where's the weather that gives me a massive hog

I have been out of town for a while but rest assured that I was constantly haunted by how much everything sucks. I hope the consequences of ICE's actions are revisited upon them with as careful consideration as they have given to others

I propose a version where the little guy bracing for impact in the diagram is simultaneously sipping on a fresh Sprite™️

It should be illegal to make flight attendants read ads. Great plan, teaching passengers to tune out the people who give safety briefings. While we're at it, the safety manual seems like an under-explored advertising opportunity as well. Why tf not?

New Year's Eve would be way more interesting if they actually dropped the ball. I'm picturing a big reverse piñata situation. Shrapnel in all directions. There'd be a body count. They'd have to rebuild it every year. I see no problems with this

I have been informed that wild truffles are in fact a kind of mushroom and the kind I am eating are only similar to them in name and appearance which makes a lot of sense tbh, but I do feel like I am a victim of false advertising

Truffles are fire man, I can see why pigs go crazy for these

From my personal experience, I find it incredibly unlikely that the choir of children sing their song and they practiced all year long. Couple of months at most, if that

Why is eye twitching always because of bad stuff like stress or whatever. Why can't I be so happy my eye twitches

Chuck Berry's heart is in the right place, but calling Rudolph a "mastermind" compared to all the other reindeer is a bit of an exaggeration imo. All he did was get relentlessly bullied for a birth defect and then Santa took pity on him. What's so smart about that

Doing the Dune sandworm walk after committing a crime to avoid gait detection cameras but forgetting to wear a disguise, thereby leaving me vulnerable to regular cameras

My brain would rather do one million practice drawings than a single good drawing when I want it to. I know I'm putting too much pressure on myself but damn man idk how to stop

Level 1 enemy: guy who backs into parking spaces Level 2 enemy: guy who backs into DIAGONAL parking spaces on the left side Level 100 enemy: Guy who does that and then drives forward to leave, ALSO GOING THE WRONG WAY! They should crush your car into a cube with you inside

Imagine staring directly into the LED headlights of a lifted F-150. I'd have laughed and called him names too

Releasing my more accurate version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer where, as would be necessary for it to actually be helpful on a foggy night, his nose is so fucking bright it blows out the camera exposure and every frame is just a pinkish-white blast into your retinas

Tires are the balls of the car when you think about it

I was cooking with this one

Arriving at work before sunrise and leaving just before sunset got me feeling like Cyril Karn when he was living with his mom

Pretty fucked up that setting up service with Duke Energy is just the first half of the call, and then they transfer you to some huckster who tries to upsell you on a bunch of other random bullshit. My experience was perfect until exactly 50% of the way through the call lmao

It's actually insane how good the Pirates of the Caribbean theme song is. Best to ever do it fr

Spilled a ton of oil on the floor behind me as I walked today and I've never felt more like a Batman villain. I'll bet that shit totally works irl

Microdosing the feeling of having an assassin point a laser sight at me by suddenly realizing that the moving blue light around my feet is in fact a forklift's headlights

The pardon power shouldn't exist at all tbh. Feels like this was the inevitable outcome of having it, and the only thing stopping this before was a reverence for norms. Either the justice system works or it doesn't, but a get-out-of-jail-free card the president can hand out at will is insane

Dipping my toe into skincare since shaving my head so I don't look busted and there's so much to it omg. I'm taking oils off, I'm putting oils back on. Why are there so many oils and where do they come from? There are like 10 moisturizers. Shit is crazy