Most christian denominations won’t teach this, but “FLWOOP!” was the sound made when god magically inserted himself into Mary’s womb. You have to make the “P” really pop.

If god had wanted people to be heterosexual he wouldn’t have invented the turkey baster.

…I would just set out humane traps but Miss Moneybags scurries up to her fainting couch and summons the Versailles gardening crew.

Um... so the eastern US is an island. This is a new hill I am prepared to die on.

…Hello. I’m David Clarke and I’m running for President. My platform is all orgs that produce TV will be legally required to commit to a 3 season minimum for any TV series. For the employment security of all involved and the sanity of the audience And universal healthcare and universal basic income

Goddammit. You can’t just nostalgia-fy my own personal trauma from my own very similar experience with even the same music in the background, make it into something less awful than it really was, and help me heal just a tiny bit from 30 year old bullshit AND THEN CANCEL MY NEXT THERAPY SESSIONS.

FYI - Too many episodes in a row of Ancient Aliens will turn your brain into mush.

The Empress of Christmas has arrived.

Of course the Asshole In Chief is going to asshole today. He’ll asshole again tomorrow and the next day too. It’s what he does. It’s what he IS. 80M of 340M people inflicted him on the rest of us. They’re all assholes too. But there’s more of us than there are of them.

Finally started Heated Rivalry. Me and my down low beefcake fire fighter weren’t famous like the hockey boys, but our precincts overlapped and he kept showing up at my crime scenes and me to his emergency calls and we had to be discreet and professional. So there were similarities. We were hotter.

Started watching Heated Rivalry and it’s mostly just… horny?

I feel like turmp sucking Bill Clinton’s dick should still be in the news and should be crumbling MAGA into dust. If that didn’t end this, what will?

The gayest house in Los Lunas, NM!

The gayest house in San Antonio, TX

I called the police to report a disabled vehicle blocking an intersection. An AI answered and thought I needed help retrieving an impounded vehicle. I asked to speak to a human and it offered to connect me to Animal Control. There is no such thing as artificial intelligence. Digital idiots, maybe.

The only thing AI can do reliably is prove the existence of fools.

Why aren’t Halloween albums from mainstream artists a thing? Seems like an untapped market to me. If Mariah made a good one she could dominate a full third of the year every year. All I Want For Halloween Is Your Immortal Soul, or something.

I don’t understand why gravity has to be gendered at all but that’s cishets for you.

The theoretical existence of anti-gravity implies the theoretical existence of uncle-gravity.

I can’t stop chuckling because the proposed AI data center that former Senator and current wannabe Bond Villain Kyrsten Sinema lobbied a metro Phoenix city council to permit just got unanimously voted down by that council. Every one in Arizona hates her.

Just thinking about the time the Swifties tried to murder me. It could have started a fire. I might have died.

New Sudoku personal best. Pls clap.

Just had a mini panic attack when I saw someone left me a FOUR MINUTE LONG VOICEMAIL but actually they thought they hung up and I heard four minutes of them having office gossip in the break room. Anyway you won’t believe what <redacted> in the <redacted> Department did.

I am a veteran of two uniforms. Army and Police. I never played in them. Just didn’t seem right. Any time a guy insisted I wear them was my hint to move on. They weren’t into ME. Just my position.

When are we leaving?

What if the Dems put the entrance to their “Big Tent” on the left side instead of the right?

Today I learned I am a short king.

I started outlining scenes to see if writing scripts about this is viable and I realized I’m going to have to change a lot of details or I would risk outing him. So it would end up being fictional, which isn’t really my style. But I might keep trying. You all deserve to see what happened at the…

When I was a cop I had a steamy down low thing with a beefy firefighter. He wasn’t out and I didn’t care who knew about me. If there can be gay hockey show and a gay Marine twink show, he and I should have a Netflix series too. He has a wife and kids now. But before that we almost had a future.

Please stop, excessively flirty straight fuckboy waiter who might be David Corenswet’s cocky little brother. My heart is not a toy.

If he isn’t pulled apart like Aunt Gladys at the end of all this, I’m gonna be deeply unsatisfied.

Hold on. HOLD ON. Are you telling me that when fascists get what they want that they don’t stop but instead they keep coming and keep demanding more fascist things? Even new things that this time might affect people you care about? How could we ever have known this?

Pro Tip: However much cologne or perfume or body spray you think you need, you actually only need half that amount. Probably less.

…in summary, LGBTQs who give their money to anything in the H*rry P*tter universe are like gay republican smokers. Garbage who hurt their own community with their selfish choices.

I got blocked by a gay mutual for telling him I was disappointed that he went to see Harry Potter on Broadway. It’s a bummer that there are still gay people who give their money to people who will use it to hurt our community. It’s also mind boggling. Like gay people who vote for republicans.

I live across the street from a school, facing the sports fields. Let me tell you, there are few things more joyful to grade schoolers than a fire drill. It’s like a bonus recess.

IF I decide to watch Crossroads (now streaming on Netflix) it will be to see the early stages of Zoe Saldana and Anson Mount’s careers. Not because of out of control Britney stanning.

“Terminator:Dark Fate” is better movie than Rotten Tomatoes or IMDB give it credit for. It’s on Paramount Plus and worth a watch. It’s a long chase, like all Terminator movies, but there are lots of twists and plenty of new things we haven’t seen in others And it has Linda Hamilton being a bad ass

Why isn’t either North Dakota or South Dakota just “Dakota”?

Pittsburgh people, or anyone else who knows for sure, help me figure out my new neighbor. He had Pennsylvania plates when he got here to AZ, now he has AZ plates with this plate frame. He’s cute AF, athletic, and I’ve never seen him bring anyone around. What does the frame mean? Is he… you know?

Some racist bullshit bubbled up in my Army platoon in the ‘90s. One of our sergeants, an extremely white guy, lined us up and shouted at us about how there is only one skin color in the Army. GREEN! He shamed the fuck out of the racists, in front of everyone. I hope he’s having a nice retirement.

So… Boots on Netflix is giving me flashbacks. A story about a gay kid joining the military in the early ‘90s. Marines in the show, Army for me. It’s part trauma. Part nostalgia. I hate it. I like it. Fuck.

Goddamn I make good day-after potato pancakes. My second favorite part of Thanksgiving.

Does the regime still allow us to call it Black Friday or is that DEI?

That cool lesbian girl on Stranger Things is really beautiful. Like if Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke had a baby.

Turned around and saw this in the window and nearly tripped my fight or flight.

The DC National Guard shooter, an immigrant, shot two random people for no good reason. That’s just about the most American thing there is. “Real” Americans do that all the time and we never do anything to stop it from happening again. He assimilated from Afghanistan into American values just fine.

The real - and unanswered - central mystery of Stranger Things is how, in the course of four years of narrative time, the kids all aged ten years.

When I win the 700 jillion dollar Powerball jackpot on Saturday I’m going to fund an animated revival of Star Trek: Enterprise so we finally get seasons 5-7 that we were wrongly denied. But… on the condition that the ship had a chicken coop THE WHOLE TIME.