Trump has been missing for the past few days, but fortunately they found him. He was in the Epstein Files.

"There is no Epstein client list, but somehow Clinton is still on it." - MAGA

Trump is really making gameshow hosts look bad.

Trump just changed his relationship status to “It’s Complicated.”

BREAKING: Elon Musk uses “Key to the White House” to do bumps.

Taco Trump: Soft shell, full of shit and the orange stuff isn’t cheese.

The same MAGAts who bitch about gender and bathrooms are the same Dbags that will rush their girlfriends into the men’s room at a Kid Rock concert when the women’s line is too long.

When you pretend to be a Christian, pretending you don’t know anything about Bruce Springsteen or the term “86” is a cake walk!

I remember when I worked in restaurants and I learned that when they said “86 marinara sauce” it meant they killed the marinara sauce in the walk-in freezer. 

RFK Jr. said people should not take medical advice from him, so please, continue taking it from Joe Rogan.

If you’re looking for a picture of your Mother to post today, call me.

Chicago might have the Pope, but Jersey still has the best pizza.

I've been in Alaska for 24 hours. I already saw a whale, an eagle and two bears.... not the animal, two big hairy gay guys in the jacuzzi.

I’m remaining Easter as Roman Victory Day.

Trump is remaining Veteran’s Day to Gulf of American Day.

I'm available to name your cat.

Whatsaaaaaaaaaaap!

Wait. Which George Foreman died? George? George? George? George? George or George?

Wait. What if you drive a Tesla into the Capitol Building???

FIGHT!!!!

I wonder how Kid Rock feels about getting Ted Nugent’s sloppy seconds?

I can't believe we spent 100 million dollars to send condoms to Hamas' transgender mice.

When are we gonna stop transgender mice from competing in sports???

I wonder how JD Vance keeps his eyeliner from running after Trump jizzes all over his face.

“Hey guys! I got one, I got one. Watch this. Ready? Hey! Why don’t you ever wear a suit?” (High fives all around)

I wish Zelenskyy would have stopped him and asked him what his favorite Bible verse was.

I know he has an incredible body of work, but nobody ever talks about Gene Hackman in The Firm. Amazing performance. RIP.

A copy of”The Art of the Deal”?

For SNL's 50th Anniversary. Here's the one thing I did for Saturday Night Live. There was an internet campaign to have Betty White host SNL. It gained a lot of momentum, so instead of doing the regular Host/Musical act on set teaser, they wanted something different. www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIY3...

The Felon is mad because nobody will call it the Gulf of Mexico.

Congratulations to my son for winning the Superbowl pool! I bankrolled him, so after I got my initial investment back plus 20% on top, he walked with a nice stack. Minecraft for everybody!

If your radio station plays Led Zeppelin‘s Heartbreaker and does not follow it up with Living Loving Maid, I will never listen to your radio station again. 

Bingo. Bango. Bongo… and Irving.

Steve Marriott of the band Humble Pie died on Jan 20, 1991. As of today, Steve Marriott has spent 12,045 days in the hole.

Not that I needed validation, but watching Christians turn on a Bishop for preaching mercy makes me glad I escaped the church and all of its hypocrisy.

I mean, if he's really that autistic, why hasn't Trump made fun of him yet?

Normally I don’t like to name drop, but I found an old picture of when I used to hangout with Marcel from Friends. Trust me, don’t lend this guy any money….

The best tunes of 2024!

My wife asked for a fairytale Christmas, so I ghosted her three times.

“Then I took her back to my place and gave her a hot frosty.”

I bring you gold, frankincense and…

Putting together my Christmas Ska band… Rankin Bass

Murray Xmas!

Kick your new year off right! For What It’s Worth LIVE! @jimmypardo.com @blainecapatch.bsky.social and Helen Hong. Get tix at @hollywoodimprov.bsky.social! Just $10 … finally something inflation proof!

One time I worked with a fire breather and he caught his face on fire. *I'm only posting this here because you'd be surprised by how little fire breathing comes up in conversation.

Droppin the kids off at school.

Black Friday ticket sale! Join @blainecapatch.bsky.social @jimmypardo.bsky.social and myself for just $10! Link in the comments.

Mr. Limon, Costa Rica 2024

Even with all the crap and division and the hate going on in this world right now, I still had hope for humanity. Then today I saw this MF’er put mayonnaise on his hot dog and realized we have no chance.