For some, the absence of any transportation to heaven today must have been pretty devastating. Imagine thinking for sure you were better than all the wretched people you despised and were going to escape this pigpen, only to find, a) you didn't make the cut, or b) there's no God.

One lel won't do you any good. You've got to have a pair of lels.

Can't help but think of Tim Kreider's The Pain-When Will It End? today. Sadly, the online archive is 404

God tried to rapture me before I had my morning coffee so I killed him

Futurama "Merderoni" episode, where were you nine years ago when you could have saved us?

Imagine if other people realized they could just ignore the President.

What gave me the shits? and other questions of great importance of our time.

Dead Bull Gives You Rings

Can't wait for tomorrow (home video release of 40 Acres)

You've got your nuclear boobs

RFK Jr fast-tracking FDA approval of a powerful hallucinogen for everyone else to take (via atmospheric dispersion) so that everything he does just seems normal.

Fantastic Voyage, but instead of injecting the tiny submarine in the guy's bloodstream they just go up his butt. Call it Colonautscopy.

Scientist: You can eat one marshmallow now, or-- Me: *chewing noisily* Scientist: ... Me: ... Scientist: *takes notes* Me (mouth full): Did I win?

Might fund some radical left maniacs by putting $5 in the boot at a small town fire department donation drive.

buns

Might do some radical left stuff today, such as pulling to the shoulder to let an emergency vehicle pass.

Can't wait to hear recaps of all the frothy, nutty things that were said at Kirk's death carnival by people who putatively are public servants.

That Marine pilot has the opportunity to do the funniest thing ever (make rabbit ears).

sawsum trees

It's the air of festivity with which the clown emperor endangers us all that really bothers me.

Don't waste your liquor store money on this quackery!

When you and your brother fart on each other in the back seat on a long car trip, that's fratulence.

Get in loser, we're going to be the first to be publicly executed for saying the emperor has no clothes.

We The Freakles

My bike got a perfect score of 10 from every judge when it landed perfectly on its bar ends and seat after flipping off my car roof when I ripped it off the roof rack at the drive-thru ATM.

They should skip the Kabuki and make huge truck window decals that say "Me (Not You) The People".

2+2=5

The Gibb brothers: Barry, Robin and Zeppo.

Zach Galafinakis? Nonsense. I always thought the bearded nodding man was Barry Gibb. www.washingtonpost.com/style/trends...

It's charming that Cruz is afraid Democrats will do literally anything at all if they return to power. www.washingtonpost.com/politics/202...

Get in, loser. We've lost.

paint-by-hombres

I may not like your peach, but I will defend to the death your right to slurp it.

Measureless liar

Hell yeah! Dirt load flag tarp!

kntisocial

The 1A covers all speech, both popular and unpopular. Even, and maybe even especially, farting at town meetings.

“Never go to bed angry” People will often tell you this to stop you waking up too powerful

Thinking about the smelly juice that keeps all our inside parts from rubbing on each other.

I wonder what evolutionary advantage moths have for being highly reflective at 900nm.

Are we there yet?

Jimmy "Deacon" Vance www.washingtonpost.com/politics/202...

My, my, my. John Oliver must be cooking up a show.

Spanx, Obama!

This just to say I hate the plums You were keeping in the Icebox But were never Likely to Eat Why do you Buy Them Forgive me They were rotten And so gross

Mars (2010, Duplass movie) is pretty good.

I'm puzzled, because Kimmel didn't actually say anything particularly harsh about Kirk or adoring of his murder. What he said was that the WH was doing everything it could to spin the murder into political gold, which Kimmel's sacking and this kind of statement only proves correct.

Fatboy Slim's Weapon of Choice is a powerful nexus of joy, combining Bootsy Collins, Dune lore, Christopher Walken and an Akai S950.

scary headline, scarier lighting

I left the house without my phone for a couple of hours, so when it wasn't in my pocket when I reached for it I panicked and thought I'd lost it at a Burger King.