Okay, so I want to be thinner... Falls to my knees, head in my hands.

My intuition has been wonky, and communication has been wonky as well. I can't tell if I'm delusional or not when things come to me besides asking THEM for confirmation. It's been nighty and things that I'm not used to.

Oh god, Aphrodite, I am scared, but good, yes, I know. I have aches, but I feel a bit hopeful.

I think I have a crush. Today, we spoke. I feel like I have conquered a mountain, but like... not fully. I was not rejected. He said he liked how I worded it. Worry less, I will worry less and be a bit more ? Oh, fate is...

Okay, so. I overdosed, but I'm trying to get better. There are a lot of things I can not understand, but I will try ! 🌻

I've always stuggled with emotions and feelings. How I word it is, the first real emotion I felt was love at 19. I assumed cause trauma, being raped every day seems to do that to someone. I had no feelings, no interests, I was quiet, and just kept to myself. I had no friends, I never needed one.

Adderall, once more. I feel much better.

Mom made sm pasta, and I want to binge on it ! I feel sick today, too...ahhh, but good day besides that, aa

Had a weird dream about my ex fiancee. Like him, not one of his alters, Spencer before he wasn't allowed to front anymore. He was miserable and sat hunched over. I think he was ashamed? Or defensive, uncomfortable. Some sort of party was happening.

BINGE DEFLECTED. Prayed to Aphrodite, i feel guilty involving her with my Ed, but...i think she's very understanding. I asked for help too just to eat the amount I needed and to not binge, and sorta strength to eat and not be so...scared to binge. I ate normally, it was really nice.

My parents are getting food, and it's stressing me out insanely bad. I am already at 1000 cals today. I was just hungry and still am hungry. I just know I'm gonna binge. Like, i hate this feeling sm, and I feel like the medicine is not gonna even stop me.

+⠀ ⠀ ⠀˚⠀ ⣴⠟⠉⠉⠛⢦⡀⢀⣴⠛⠉⠈⠙⠻⣄ ⠀⠀⣼⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠹⣦ ⠀⠀⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿ ⠀⠀⠿⣆⠀ ⠀ -20 lbs ⣰⡆ ⠀⠀⠀⢻⣦⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⡼⠃ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠻⢦⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⡴⠛ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠛⠶⣄⠶⠋ ⠀⠀⠀+. *

Ah, my best friend communicated very well with this lady he's been seeing. She had a very odd outburst, and I procceded to watch him write like 5 paragraphs back to her. Not only sorta destroying whatever odd bout she was on, but clearly trying to talk to her and communicate. This is so sexy

I ate pasta last night. A BIG fear food, and was able to eat it without guilt. It actually wasn't the best, and me unmedicated would've had a breakdown over so many cals and it not being super yummy. It's really nice. I ate some chocolate today. I had stored for like months.

Adderall lowkey helping my relationship with food. The stress and guilt when eating is mostly gone. I don't feel like I'm "slipping." I just feel like i can't enjoy food without being scared I'm gonna binge or overeat.

This dream was the night before my friend called him my best friend and that he loved me dearly. I was upset about men not wanting to just be innocent with me, always sex or romantic when I just want friends. And...well, the dream called me out about that.

Some other dreams I've had recently. I dreamt I was on an elevator going up to meet someone. I was lonely, and despite knowing this man only wanted me in ways I didn't want (sexually and romantically), I was still going for the sake of my loneliness and seeking connection.

I've been having dreams about deities more often now. I ask normally if it's a sign or just a simple dream, but normally, they try to send me signs and messages this way, especially when I ask and let them. I really like dream analysis and got a bit intuitive, so I can actually somewhat decipher it

Okay, so I am luckily able to take adderall pretty regularly now. I am on it again and just very thankful and hopeful. If anything, it makes me a little sleepy and bouts of not actually able to be verbal. But otherwise amazing for my head and binge.

Tried Adderall yesterday. Only medication that has ever helped my intrusive thoughts and my BINGE EATING. I want to get on it, hopefully. I only ate like 600 cals yesterday on it. Today, I already had 12k before 1 pm 🫠 It genuinely gave me sm hope to maybe live a bit better.

Ppl who have a flat stomach at bmi 20+....how... why not me...eughhghhg

Aphrodite epic. As hell. Thank u insanely, beautiful women .inside and out. For letting me like even be within ur vinciuty HAHAHJAJSJKUEIKA

Big amazing win. Read smth more sexual and didn't feel fucking intense guilt amd shame. YAYYY.

Woahhhghh

Guys. I ate till I was in pain :(

I hate religious intrusive thoughts the most. Literally why. It's been like this ever since a kid. I feel very disgusted. Even now, as I try to rationalize it, I just feel like I'm making excuses.

Was sad so I ate 2000 cals in like 30 minutes. Man.

Oh fuck god that tarot reading exhausted me so bad. I check up casually on someone I know is having a bad time, and just... a lot to tap into.

800 cals for breakfast. I will never be skinny. lmfao.

Oh yes, I found another feather. Blue jay, I assume since blue. Though I think I lost it :((((( I can't find it in my pocket aghhhhhh.

I have finally gotten my back brace :D

My life has been very blessed. At first, I assumed maybe this was a reward, but maybe it's just great because things are falling into place?

I've been using intuition to find feathers recently. It's like a small confirmation that I am not fully insane lol. What a blessing I have. More to the collection !!

Trader joes sells these chocolate, their each wrapped with the currency of a different place, and the container holding it all together is a passport I think ! Just really thought Hermes would like it!

Got a whole bunch of sweets with my dad! Cookies, chocolate, and even gingerbread ones specifically for me. And now I just feel a bit guilt because I will not eat them...

Actually getting a back brace. Thank goodness. Hopefully, I get it before therapy because the seats there killed me.

How tf do you intuitively eat when you're hungry all the time. Huh. 500 calorie meal and I could definitely eat more

I used to cry about eating over 300 cals. Where did that energy go...

Ahhh, intuition.. nervous ! Nervous ! But I did it. Ahhh ahhhhhhhfhh

THIS TAROT DECK IS SO CUTE HAHAH. I was feeling anxious, and it literally just gave me the star and 6 of wands. Hahah . It was just really sweet.

Hikki is so happy. It's not overwhelming, just really nice. I'm calm and at ease.

I feel a bit unwell today !

I just really want to be smaller.

All I gotta do is lose 2 lbs, but I'm like ...incapable of locking in.