Where are you, beloved?—When shall I see you once more?

When I get to share with a stranger about Kaleb it’s like I’m evangelizing his legacy: it feels good to introduce someone to his work and know it will live on in them.

How the Hell can a person go to work in the morning, and come home in the evening, and have nothing to say?

Yesterday, a mental health provider told me, “It’s time to move on.” and “He (Kaleb) isn’t happy seeing you like this.” I no longer have to see this person. It isn’t time to move on. I will not move on. Oh, he’s not happy to see me MOURNING that he’s DEAD? Obviously.

Instead of getting stuck in thinking about what I’d be doing with him or talking about with him if he didn’t die, I try to think about the infinite universes and how there’s some where we both alive and together and happy. And some where we’re not happy, or never met, or we’re never born.

Texas I know there’s a lot on all of us right now but these sweet girls need a hero — forward to anybody you know who might be able to take them in, even on a temporary basis? ABTCR pays for foster hounds’ vet bills, and we’ll even deliver the dogs to you! www.coonhoundrescue.com/FOSTER.html

6 weeks.

People tell me it’s normal to be angry at God after losing a loved one. I’m not angry AT God per se, but I’m angry Scott Adams outlived Kaleb. He was really horrible to him! Can’t wait until you kick the bucket, Scott!

I wrote more on substack: open.substack.com/pub/katehasc...

I wrote more on substack: open.substack.com/pub/katehasc...

Alan Moore knows the score

I’m rooting for the Dodgers solely because Toronto beat the Mariners and they must be punished for that.

I went to Mecca today. A handful of oil derricks were pumping in the shadow of the wind turbine orchard. I passed four Peterbilts keeping pace with a BNSF engine. Nubian goats grazed. And 80,000 books Larry accumulated sit uncatalogued.

Gabe and Daniel are insisting that THEY are the pumpkin-smashers and Kaleb stole the idea from them.

Wearing Kaleb’s Howlin’ Wolf t-shirt and his chore jacket today. Jacket pictured in this photo:

Happy Halloween from Kaleb, 10 years ago: www.vice.com/en/article/w...

Happy Halloween from Kaleb, 10 years ago: www.vice.com/en/article/w...

I wanted to ask Kaleb a question today and it hit me I can’t. Obviously I’ve known this since day 1 but today for some reason it hit really hard. Did you like that movie? Do you know this song? Where was it that you— He can’t answer. I have a million questions that will go unanswered.

They hanged the people who got us the 8-hour workday.

I used to send Kaleb a picture of Hank every day. I called it HOTD. Here is Hank of the Day.

My friend got me out of the house today by visiting a Halloween-themed diorama of the town.

I’m rooting for the Dodgers solely because Toronto beat the Mariners and they must be punished for that.

At the LA River 💔

@davidgrossman.bsky.social my friend Harry was out of town for work during Kaleb’s memorial service - I introduced them and they hung out - Harry just told me your parents brought the paper with his obituary to shul for him to see and that was very kind of them. Your parents are very sweet.

I cried the most at group therapy today ✨

Kaleb and Scotty, at their dad’s house. Photo by their dad, Bill. Kaleb had it in his apartment and Bill asked me to have it.

I served on the board of a local urban farm for years. They harvest over 50k pounds of produce annually and give it away for free to local food banks, pantries, and shelters. These places have struggled to keep up with demand since COVID.

One month ago tonight, Kaleb’s mom called me to tell me he was gone. She and I, and his dad, had all spoken to him on the phone 3 days before, and couldn’t get a hold of him after. He did that once in a while, especially after seizures since he didn’t feel well.

A Mother’s Day card Kaleb made as a child

My grief support group talks about how your grief journey is like hiking up a mountain. I feel the opposite. I wrote briefly about what it really feels like: open.substack.com/pub/katehasc...

Hank will be 12 in just over a month and he is chasing his tail. The angel himself:

KH+KH. Most of the time I don’t care if I die now too. I don’t want to hurt myself take my life but if something happened and I could be with him, that would be better than this.

Sometimes I can hold it together and feel like life is normal and then in a quarter of a second I start sobbing and wailing and can’t calm down.

Grief is a mountain. I don’t have any signal while I’m on it. He’ll never call me again. I’ll never hear, “Hello!” bright and joyful.

Debbie, Bill, and the boys allowed me to have a few of Kaleb’s things, including clothing and books. Tonight I’m wearing his The Palomino shirt to my grief support group.

Accepting being alive in a world without my soulmate and best friend means I keep repeating the prayer he repeated constantly: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Kaleb and Scotty

I sent him this illustration of Flannery O’Connor in February of 2015. It’s a magnet. He kept it on his fridge for over a decade. I have it now.

Baby Kaleb in The Bakersfield Californian.

Everything is Kaleb-coded. For his birthday this year, I got him a signed copy of Larry McMurty’s 2010 memoir, which focuses on his experiences with adaptations of his work and screenplay writing.

My sweetie. Tomorrow is four weeks since he’s been gone.

A great bit would be getting the tackiest keepsake urn pendant possible to keep Kaleb in

I wish Kaleb were here to talk shit about this with. He hates Louis C.K. He’d be thrilled sick by this review. He’d crow about the inauthenticity & abject failure to copy style from your betters. He’d be furious about how stupid the entire concept of this book is www.texasmonthly.com/arts-enterta...

Right now, I’m supposed to be on a flight to Burbank to see him. Our last trip before I moved in. It feels like my heart is shattering every day.

I was supposed to see Rilo Kiley in LA tomorrow with Kaleb. Obviously, I will not be attending. If any friends would like the tickets, please let me know and I’ll send them to you.

Grief is a mountain and it will take me a long time to pick my way down to the valley. There are no trails. I don’t want to hike down, either. I want to sit here alone. People can see me through binoculars and contact me on a radio but they aren’t here with me.