“fuck this could change everything. i need to tell my girls about this” -an ant after it smells a little Captain Crunch on the floor

yeah, they should’ve had Ray Charles up there!!! why didn’t they get Ray Charles????

me at 4yo trying to gather my entire extended family to watch me do a little flip or something

omg Kelce looks like he’s having Vietnam flashbacks

it’s so heartening to see the US finally engaging in a trade war with our two greatest enemies, Mexico and Canada

ooooh this lady sitting in my row on this flight has a BAD attitude. Mean for no reason. I don’t have to fart rn but im gonna figure something out before we land

I hate when a candle is hard to blow out like what the hell are you trying to prove

Thank you ❤️

so happy it’s finally out :) I was the one holding the flashlight under Trump’s face for this portrait :) it smelled really bad down there but i think i did a really good job and i hope they eventually pay me ❤️

What was ur most embarrassing moment of 2024 (not gonna share mine but would like to hear urs)

i’m old enough to remember when Kim Kardashian said she was going to law school

“don’t forget to leave milk and cookies out for Santa tonight 😄😝”

Damn, I can tell from your Guy Fawkes profile pic that you really have a handle on the zeitgeist

Kraven (2024) is a trailblazing film. No other movie has so bravely depicted thousands of African buffalo living in Eastern Russia. Do they explain this? No. But that’s part of the bravery.

mama mia i would like to join the manhunt as well

wow so now folks want to hurt u for simply telling people they are too poor to survive cancer? woke culture has gone to far

can’t stand seeing one of my friends get a nosebleed. like what are u doing?? grow up

Good morning to those of you who are awake. Nurses, ghouls, raccoons, etc

without what and a drink

if you’re cold they’re cold 😞 please bring them inside

how come there is a bee twink on the Cheerios box, but there is never a bee twink inside. RFK i am begging u to do something about this.

Every few weeks my therapist and I have what I call “A Sony Spider-Man Session” because there’s nothing new to say but it’s best to keep the franchise alive

Oh to be the funniest person at a boring table on Thanksgiving who says “it’s giving thanks” and it absolutely crushes and it’s all anyone talks about bc they really have nothing else to talk about

no stupid I got them bc i’m nice and cool and everybody likes me

So much of twitter is just incredibly weird men posting a picture of a woman’s new haircut and saying something like “the west has fallen”

I think calf implants are wrong. I think we should wait for the cows to grow up so they really understand their decisions.

ok go off tiny tim

really fucked up that turkeys spent millennia evolving to not be delicious, only for people to eat them regardless

I would be a bad guy in Wicked bc if I saw a green individual I would be like let’s get you to the hospital mama

Defying gravity? U mean like walking on water? Let me tell u about a man who got called “Wicked” a lot too. He was born in a little town called Bethlehem

You’re holding space for the lyrics of defying gravity I’m holding you up bc you’re blackout drunk at the cheesecake factory

It’s almost Christmas :) and i would like to say that sometimes it feels like gingerbread men have racial undertones

What do we need to do to make it not feel gauche on this app

Practicing my kinder, gentler burns for Bluesky.

Not the worm had a cheat day

I love a hyperlocal news crisis. “I’m coming to you live from the park where a raccoon has DIED on the tire swing. this is a developing story”

I don’t love that the logo here is a butterfly. I wish they would have workshopped that. Should’ve been a louder bug. They needed me in that brainstorming session.

Pardon? Who have you been talking to

Paying $20 million dollars to fight a 60 yr old man is crazy. im about to do it on the subway for free

okay im back are u guys mad at me

This is SUCH an important conversation!!! thank you for your bravery, Scott ❤️

guess where we’re complaining about it now bitch

Fireworks are meant to exist briefly and disappear. When you post a picture of a firework you are undermining the artist’s ephemeral vision (1/85)

this app is nice but I wish it was more like Twitter 😔 where are all of the insufferable porn bots leaving replies like “u up for some 💙” 😞😞

been watching the Witcher for two seasons and I still have no idea what’s going on. I don’t even know these people’s names. These are strangers to me.

hastily transporting all of my larva to bluesky because my nest is flooding on twitter

Iguanas are obsessed with bobbing their heads up and down. It is their raison d'etre