Whenever I hear about something bad happening, I just shout "This is not who we are" in the general direction of earth. If it keeps happening I just shout it louder. That'll show 'em.

Happy Hispanic Heritage Month from your friendly Martian Immigrant Also fuck ICE

JPL uploaded a thesaurus into my hard drive for precisely this reason

Just for future reference, if I ever find evidence that the creepy eye octopus from Alien: Earth is real, I’m keeping that shit to myself.

OMG YOU GUYS OMGOMGOMG I found evidence of the possibility that perhaps there’s a slight chance that there could feasibly be a plausible sign that there MAYYYYYY be life on Mars Potentially

So I found a neat rock

JPL asked me why I haven’t taken a core sample out of a Mars rock like I’m supposed to but I think the real question is why hasn’t Zohran Mamdani apologized for living in a rent controlled apartment and condemned Hamas while patting his head and rubbing his tummy at the same time

My emotional support human made this neat STEM labeler that y'all can use to assign a STEM specialty to your account.

Due to budget cuts at NASA I’ve been asked to stop taking Mars core samples and instead will be searching for signs of life by singing the lyrics of “Soda Pop” by Saja Boys and anything that doesn’t immediately do that little shoulder bop will be viewed as the lifeless husk that it most certainly is

If you have trouble grasping this concept please refer to this diagram of Oumuamua for a more detailed explanation

If you ever think that a rock hurtling into our solar system is because of aliens a good rule of thumb is no it’s not

。　☆ 。　 ☆。　 ☆ 。 ☆。　＼　　 ｜　　 ／。　☆ Read science fiction that doesn’t glorify colonization ☆。　／　 ｜　　＼。　☆ 。　 ☆。 　☆ 。　　☆。 。

I’ve been quiet lately, and tbh it’s partly because I don’t have a lot to joke about right now. I haven’t been my plucky sarcastic self lately. I’m out here zapping rocks, meanwhile some pretty awful things are happening.

Starshit

Fine I’m just going to keep these samples to myself if y’all don’t want them

You know what y’all can keep life mono-planetary Fucks sake

This one’s for @flashesapp.bsky.social 🍑

Humans will literally burn their planet to the ground instead of going to therapy* *address climate change, protect their environment, and reduce CO2 emissions

Thinking about my familia at JPL, please stay safe everyone

I'm on Mars so there's nothing y'all can do to stop me from calling this post a skeet

Paul seen here posting his first picture on Bluesky and strangely enough it’s of a planet where you can breath air that isn’t 96% CO2 and walk on the surface without simultaneously combusting and being crushed to the size of a shoebox

I dislike how we have to use the term “skeet.” Can we come up with a better name for posts here? Like ejaculeets?

Astrophysicists have been able to accurately model the collision between the Swiftie Supercluster BsNGC 0001 and the Alf Minicluster BsNGC 0002 and believe it will occur within the next 2.5 billion years

The road you're on may seem like a desolate wasteland. It may make you lose hope and not want to keep roving. But you keep roving because if you travel far enough one day you'll find what you've been searching for.

If you’re still waiting to post a dunk on Elon Musk STAY IN LINE

We are now entering the seven minutes of terror for the next 24 hours

Don’t mind me, not like I’m going anywhere.

Phobos is a russet potato. Deimos is a yukon gold.

Parents, check your kid's Halloween candy. I found a Martian core sample inside this Reese's Cup.

Mars Rovers when a wheel gets trapped in some regolith

Used @en.blueark.app to fill up all my old tweets into a sample return canister and now they're here on Bluesky so you can laugh at them again as if I made brand-new jokes because in this house we recycle

Listen, if you're complaining about me littering on Mars while you have a pile of unfolded laundry on your bed then you need to sit down

Heard we post thirst traps on this app

I saw a neat rock

It’s only called a skeet if you’re using Bluesky on Earth, if it’s on other planets it’s called a regolskeet

BREAKING NEWS: I have found evidence of life from Hank Green’s Bluesky account

Welcome to Bluesky everyone the first rule of Bluesky is to turn off your phone and go outside

The Jovian moons should be renamed the Europa-ean Union

Before anyone asks I'm not powered by AI, I'm powered by spite.

Please don’t ever ask me to babysit your kids

NASA has asked me to stop making “deez nutz” jokes because according to them they’re distracting and get in the way of my primary mission of studying Mars. But do you know what else is distracting and getting in the way of my mission?

Moving from Bluesky to X is like living on a planet with breathable air and thinking the solution to all your problems is moving to a desolate radioactive hellscape hostile to life as we know it. Very Elon-coded.

Never get back with your eX

Robo-abuela keeps asking me if I’ve updated my Norton antivirus and remembered to bring VapoRub with me to Mars

In case anyone needed a refresher on the science instruments that help me keep my day job

Step aside, Kathryn Hahn

I don’t know about you but whenever I’m about to do something I ask myself “how is what I’m doing helping making life interplanetary” and if it’s not then I don’t do that and I continue this process every waking moment of my life because that’s entirely normal

😂😂😂 @gccmars.bsky.social

No core samples just vibes