Boy, do i hate the non-profit grant application process. It's like a robot is asking how many eyes you have & whom you intend to partner with on future eye projects.

made a pic 😁

I've had several highly recommended movies from sources I respect waiting for me to enjoy them, but I instead watched HEARTBEEPS.

A member of my improv group said at the funeral of another member that his girlfriend also just died, & we sadly passed the news around the group. It's taken me more than a year, but it only just occurred to me that...

I feel like if the Pentagon wants to fight a war without permission they should save up for it. Maybe cut down on lattés & avocado toast.

I'm a big fan of cartels. Diamonds, drugs, oil... Those guys are very successful, & I admire that. So, I'm thinking of starting my own cartel. Not sure what it would be, tho. Waffles? Open to ideas.

Banksy revealed: EPSTEIN!

Comic strips & single panel comics weren't perfected until they put the word bubble right in the frame. In the old days, it would be at the bottom of the frame or even on a separate card, & a lot of them got lost, like the caption for the Mona Lisa, which was originally "Ew, do you smell something?"

I don’t understand the concept of Marcelo just straight up stealing Sebastian Maniscalco’s act. Why not do Pee-wee Herman? At least he’s dead. If they think Sebastian Maniscalco is funny, why not have him on as a host? He can do his own act. #SNL

WWE did it for wrestling. Harlem Globetrotters did it for basketball. I'm gonna do it for the world's most popular sport: introducing World Football Entertainment. Higher scores, betrayals & grudges, tag-team matches, catch phrases, & cheating heels & baby faces.

Barbie is back! The doll America has loved since 1959—based on a German doll named Lilli—is back AS A BABY! Born in 1940, she was raised in war-torn Germany before coming to America with her father via Operation Paperclip after her mother was killed by Allied bombs. Get your War Baby Barbie today!

When did Harry Styles turn 50? I would have sent him a card.

I watched a detailed exposé about how Alec Baldwin's wife has pretended to be Spanish for more than a decade, & I keep laughing every time I think about it.

Marathon times would be significantly better if there were mattresses & comfy chairs waiting at the end.

I've saved up all my extra daylight for 9 years, & i'm organizing a Light the Night all-night concert featuring the all-dwarf KISS tribute band Mini KISS. #DaylightSaving

The current mayor of South Bend (Jim Mueller), a pal of former Mayor Pete Buttigieg, was on our radio show tonight. He's an oceanographer & former director of a solar project, & I pointed out that Indiana is very far from the ocean & also very far from the sun.

What was great about Firefly was the writing & cast chemistry. You're not going to recapture the chemistry, so if you can write stories that good, then put together a new cast with good chemistry & make a new show. Don't reuse the setting; "cowboys in space" is what doomed it in the first place!

John Wick: Pet Detective

Underdog: A True Underdog Story

Okay, metric system lovers, I'll go you one better: from now on, I'm measuring everything in decimeters and dekameters.

I managed to remember & smoothly tell a jokey joke today. I'm normally terrible at that.

This is what the Internet is for. Stop doing all the other junk. www.youtube.com/watch?v=drOk...

Things happen when you wear... ELEGANZA.

Here's the Boeing slide that came to light after the Columbia Space Shuttle in 2003, a slide so bad it was partially blamed for the decision that resulted in catastrophe.

PDF ➡️ system dialog ➡️ More Settings ➡️ Advanced ➡️ expanding tree. Five layers of hidden options. And this just normal now.

It irritates me that we have organizations that control & regularly update HTML, CSS, coding languages, & USB standards but not the English language.

Sorry for rearranging the membership list in milfabetical order

I'm seeing people who think the past tense of "cast" is "casted" instead of "cast" & the past tense of "text" is "text" instead of "texted". Not sure if any of these are the same people. Monitoring the situation.

Two unresponsive idiots keep talking to me instead of each other, because I'm so stupid I actually respond to calls & messages.😡

I had one of these last night. Didn't taste a bit like her.

Looks like we're not using this gag jingle on the radio show, so I'll post it here. Imagine it set to an Irish jig.

Talked to the town director today. Asked him one question: do we or do we not have an undercover cop in a horse & buggy? I knew he couldn't answer directly, but his slow, firm nod was enough.

I did a deep dive on this viral video. 🧵 www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvEE...

Ice T meme: They call it Semiquincentennial. It means "half-500 year anniversary". All the kids are gettin' high on smokin' historical documents written on parchment.

me every time i manage to overcome my executive dysfunction: THAT WAS WAY EASIER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE

Duvall's best role? Easy.

This is my favorite kind of comedy: people acting crazy with a reason that makes sense to them.

Foamtreads is an evil company that now wants to charge me $72 for my favorite slippers. So I found them on a site called Drive Goods for only $48, but they only had black, bc they cater to Hasidim. 🤷‍♂️

Happy Decimal Day to those who celebrate. youtu.be/bqyasugti68?...

Hey, I have a neat idea, Google. How about if you show results for the thing I searched for? If you think I mistyped it, you can put "Did you mean xxx?" at the top... instead of assuming I'm a moron & displaying results for something else.

I gotta hurry up & watch Marty Supreme, bc I just got tapped to write Marty Meatlovers.

Okay, but I wouldn't rest easy knowing that it's partly true....

Writing sketches again....

Celebrity boxing just got even weirder: Mel Brooks is set to fight Dick Van Dyke on May 23 at the Bellagio.

It's hilarious that they made a hundred "dancing robot" videos & everyone always went "That thing is for killling", & now they're finally admitting "Yeah, these are for killing. That's what we were going for the whole time. LOL."

The state of Super Bowl commercials is GRIM.

I never like re-watching TV or movies. Never understood it. DVD commentary tracks were a revelation: they gave me a reason to re-watch movies & TV I loved. I miss commentary tracks.

"My son, when there was only one set of footprints in the sand, that was when you were being remotely teleoperated by a Filipino."

If, in 1975, you had blasted "Feel Like Makin' Love" out the window of your downtown apartment, you would have been threatened with arrest within minutes. In 2026, the town blasts 1970s music all day, every day from speakers mounted all over the downtown area.