"Ease your tender hands off the abacus my dear, I will do it for you" was kinda crazy, what was I cooking with that

this is not a post that i ever thought i would be able to make but i think i need to get it out now. i'm only 50% italian. i'm sorry if i tricked any of you. i'm actually 20% polish. on my dad's side. 30% gay. on my mom's side.

mirror daily affirmations: you ARE Laura Dern

my grandmother who i'm not out to has pivoted over the years from "he's so handsome" to "you are more beautiful than even your mother" and i am very amused by it

sometimes i feel dysphoric about my ink sack

Guy who’s a little too into playing Shylock in the Merchant of Venice

wikihow how to adopt a koi fish

little known fact: when Freud said "the polar bear and the whale can't wage war, as they say" he was actually referring to Marduk's battle against the sea

When you’re trying to tell your friend about this cool article on black bear behavior but she keeps shouting some stuff about her water breaking

that one friend that's too pregnant

PSA: erectile dysfunction is a spectrum

are you a REAL pisser or not

PSA: constipation is a spectrum

pelvic floor dysfunction is a spectrum

it feels good as fuck to add words to your muted words list

Hide your girlfriend, I'm going outside for the first time in two months

female friendship sometimes means throwing yourself in the grinder in solidarity

Hatsune Miku..... what are you doing here?....

STICK YOUR HAND IN THE CAKE FOR NO REASON. THAT CAKE IS YOUR CAKE

In addition to being a watermelon and cast-iron mother, I am the mother of a agnostic tboy named Anselm. Please be respectful to him

do not bring your tenderqueer friends to the haunted asylum birthday party

You can feed your smaller laura a litttttle lead

the scene where fred is stuck in the sand in fred the movie is a primal scene fantasy in the same way that the elevator scene in silent hill 2 is. not accepting questions.

it's kind of a narcissistic thing to say but normalize breaking up with SOs who don't appreciate your super affectionate romantic gestures

"I wonder if you did this for me in our mother's womb" ok, i'm retiring from fiction for a while

would you still love me if i was an octopus.... lauractopus....

1v1 me on uno bro

You have no swag, little schizo child

normalize peeing your pants a little bit, just a little

Check this guy out

Roger Ebert said audiences weren’t safe anymore cause of slashers, but he didn’t consider that I WANT to be stabbed

You think Ben Affleck is a Jennifer chaser?

Type of guy who listens to Lorna Shore but only while having sex

i am to TSA agents what Hatsune Miku is to white people

stretching at the end of the day, another successful shift at the defending freud factory

tips on getting into Lacan: 1. read freud 2. read freud again 3. read freud again 4. read freud again 5. now read one of lacan's seminars 6. read freud again

if salo was produced nowadays, the director would be a gay man

my horny ass could not????????????? ?????? ??????? what?????

Everyone shut up, they're playing Change

Cooler went beast mode and sniped Goku's womb, I'm shaking

im the bean daddy

IM THE BEAN DADDY THIS TIME

Every little boy wants a dragon

Oh bliss of the tiny creature which remains/forever inside the womb that was it's shelter; joy of the gnat which, still within, leaps up/ even at its marriage: for everything is womb.

theyfab theymab I’m a theyhab. my peg leg is made of whale bone. I want that whale dead and I love pronouns

i get zero sexual attention and sometimes i think to myself that i want even less than that

signing off my letters with "smaller laura" for when i am the smaller laura

va! va! va!