“some people abuse SNAP” your soul is rotten

Hey coach, sorry about that penalty. Oh, hey, random question - are you mad at me?

I can't prove it, but I feel like most of my family's meme game is trash

Millennials: I feel like how you named your mp3 files was just as good as any personality test. For the record: [Artist Name] - [Track Title]

Referring to regular Pepsi as "Crystal Pepsi Brown"

Starting the rumor Mr. Beast is the head of antifa

What the hell was that in the Thursday night pregame show? Weird and LOUD echoing ambient tone. Did I get hypnotized? Did my eyes turn black as I started speaking an unholy language?

Okay but what does the horse concern himself with

Joni Mitchell will alter your brain chemistry for the better. I am serious. open.spotify.com/album/1vz94W...

I slept with sabrina carpenter and it was so bad she said she's only making christian music from now on

My friend just turned the audio volume to an odd prime number and my skull started itching

Doordashing milk and cookies like I'm Santa Claus in January

For the record, I solved Anna Garcia's custom Connections puzzle with zero errors so I'm taking that as a sign I should shoot my shot with her.

Ha ha! I've found it! The piece of evidence that will surely change the mind of the conservative stranger I've been arguing with on the internet!

Joining the focus group on what Christian Heaven should look like

I hope all the hot singles in my area that were ready to chat are doing alright

I hate it here, but there's fantasy football and bits with your friends and billy woods, so I choose this life.

Comedy Bang! Bang! Is the One Piece of comedy podcasts.

This is the face of a man who knows Hell exists and he'll be there soon.

Taking this photo to great clips as reference material

"It was the gaba-est of times, it was the gool-est of times,"

Smoking strains that got me asking the employees at target where they keep their minotaur

I think the "great" lakes are only referred to as such because of a manufactured scarcity of lakes. The enshittification of bodies of water.

Me: looking for something exotic My plug: got a strain that makes you think you're martin scorsese or robert de niro (2 hours later) Me: remember when we made the irishman My friend: ragin ball

Me: look at you, you little scamp The cop arresting me for trespassing: shut the fuck up

TOOT TOOT ALL ABOARD THE CRITERION HYPE TRAIN

(Van Gogh on reddit) AITA for cutting off my ear during a fight with my roommate?

Eating feastables until my skin glows a color previously unseen on the human light spectrum

In 6th grade, I wanted to run for student council. To get your name on the ballot, you had to have two teachers sign a letter of support. I asked one of my teachers if he would endorse me. He turned to me and said: "I wouldn't give you water if you were on fire." I think about that a lot.

blaming my shortfalls on the grudge-like ghost that sometimes occupies my body

Searching Spotify for "deftones songs specifically about sex"

Going to start calling different neighborhoods in my city "sectors" and see if it catches on.

Oh, NOW we need congress to release the Epstein files? I don't remember congress voting on DOGE, or Musk, or the "gULf oF AmErIcA" or the MASS DEPORTATIONS or

If you've never had or made agua fresca de pepino, DO IT. Four ingredients: water, cucumber, sugar, and lime juice. SO. GOOD.

Haven't heard anything about Matt Gaetz in a while. I hope wherever he is, he's having just the absolute worst time.

I'm just saying, if they're going to make us sign up for 15+ streaming services, they could have the decency to allow custom playlists. Personal Simpsons top 10 lists, all-time episodes of It's Always Sunny, a Black Mirror immersive playlist that randomly shuffles and edits your list...

my, what big cognitive dissonance you have

Are you there, Grok? It's Me, Margaret

PCALLSTAR!

Very few pleasures like a nighttime thunderstorm.

The pure poetry that is the Toronto Blue Jays playing the most American of teams - the New York Yankees - in Toronto, on Canada Day.

Wander Franco guilty of sexual assault of a minor. He's been sentenced to 5 years probation. Expect him to join the MAGA/manosphere movement any day now.

Happy anniversary to Jaws and one of my favorite movie quotes of all-time: "OOOOH I'M GONNA CLOBBER THAT FISH!" - Quint

Listening to baseball games on internet radio: pros and cons Pros: no matter the team, the broadcast teams are fun with good rapport -Audio engineering is AMAZING. Perfect balance of vocals, crowd noise, and ambient baseball noise (bat cracks, balls hitting mitts) Cons: THE SAME 3 ADS (cont)

Weird how the same group that decried "MY RIGHTS" during a mask mandate suddenly can't go snatch people up with impunity without one.

Photo of me adding Cajun seasoning to my tater tots:

print your own and put em up!

No more fascism and more thirst traps, please

i really enjoy when you all get my jokes and think they are funny.

PAY a compliment? I prefer to shoplift mine.