dating has gotten so hard lately! these days the only attractive quality a person can have is overthrowing the government

January, aka Let’s Actually NOT Circle Back Month

Y’know, Stranger Things, I can buy that there was a secret government program to give children telekinesis in the 80’s. But a wealth of trauma terminology that would require The Body Keeps The Score to be written in the 80’s? Zero fuckin’ chance.

As more and more friends and family become unhoused and starve, despite working 80 hour weeks, every media source will say it isn’t actually happening. Everyone is just waiting for this to blow over. As if hell can blow over. How many people will we lose before someone does what needs to be done?

You can really tell how wealthy and insulated someone is by their continued shock and surprise at what is happening

Going live on Twitch for a late run of Arc Raiders shortly! Come watch? I’ll link when live!

My favorite part of performing comedy for over 25 years is people never stop asking “do you still do comedy?!?” as if there are only two gears— flailing open micer everyone hears about, and flailing billionaire everyone hears about

I guess all bananas are Gen Z now since they all go right from being green to withering and dying

I love the moment in Rings of Power where a young Sauron is at the forge of Eregion with Celebrimbor, and he says— “Looks like I’m—“ *stares directly into the camera* “— the LORD of the RINGS.” Which cues Thin Lizzy’s The Boys Are Back in Town, because of course Amazon can afford to license it.

Merry Christmas to people with strained families, shitty families, or no family at all. I promise you there are so many of us who are struggling to get through these days, as best we can, and that's enough. You are not alone.❤️

Getting back on dating apps and adding “Kpop Demon Hunters ONLY” to my bio

Going on 3 years since I had enough money to not work every day Christmas week. Y’all being like “just take the week off” — you are not allowed to tell someone that unless you Venmo them $1500

Having a friend show you their A.I. art is like when a friend forces you to listen to a bad song they wrote. On an 3.4 string guitar. With lyrics in three languages, one of them gibberish. And instead of one friend at a party once in a blue moon, it’s many friends out of nowhere every day.

I wonder when everyone will realize— these “bathroom violations” that conservatives project onto trans people? It was all a complete, obvious con. Conservatives gave themselves a moralistic excuse to violate you in the bathroom. They’re essentially the only people doing it. An ABUNDANCE of it.

I keep getting into self-care authors who, one day, are like "I'm hosting a retreat for women ONLY! All my self-care and healing routines have only ever been for WOMEN. If you are not a woman, what the FUCK are you doing enjoying MY work? Get out of our safe space, OGRE. The age of MAN has ENDED."

Timothée Chalamet is… Sassy Paddle Boy

Tarantino talks a lot of shit for someone who runs a movie theater better than he can make a movie

get someone who looks at you the way Hayley Williams looks at Mirtazapine

I’ve been in love twice, and let me tell you firsthand, it’s predictable and overrated. “Maybe you’re the common element in these disasters, Dan!” Ew! I already go to therapy to have someone tell me that!

I hope The Devil Wears Prada 2 is just about how ugly this iOS update is

I just want to be good enough to pretend everything is okay

please do not remove card REMOVE CARD OH GOD HURRY OR YOU WILL DIE

The fact that all financial assistance has a minimum income requirement is so brutal. "We're here for you... unless you need us!" What are you, health insurance?

Why do I get so many Scam Likely calls offering me a personal loan? Don’t they know I’d prefer a thousands of dollars as a gift

Some artists make great art by overcoming trauma. Other artists have no compassion, and since they waste zero time thinking about others, they are exceedingly efficient. Develop a codependent relationship with an artist and find out which is which!

I loved KPop Demon Hunters, but Mira briefly acting attracted to men was one of the most difficult suspensions of disbelief I have encountered in animation

new fork knife (Fortnite) season! Rent is due! Time 2 stream! twitch.tv/TelferDan

There’s a WHOLE LOTTA self-involved folks “practicing radical honesty” before they have the slightest fucking clue what “compassion” is

I am still staying soft while the world gets hard! PS this means I am also destroyed

Weird how everyone suddenly has a “really bad cold” or “allergies are crazy” but it’s “definitely not COVID” so “it’s fine”

I am ready to write a four-part mini-series adaptation of The Hobbit if anyone has $175 million laying around

Every viral video is AI now, in case you were looking for a final reason to throw this phone of yours into the ocean

I don’t care if the Mariah Xmas song sucks. It’s HILARIOUS

Time to win a WNBA championship! twitch.tv/TelferDan

Fellas, I’m not sure what’s keeping you from going gender-fluid, but I’m 6’5” and found size 14 women’s slippers that are cozier than a mountain cabin full of warm bread dough, so you don’t get “uncomfortable shoes” as an excuse to cling to masculinity

For some reason the media is not mentioning that the reason GTA6 is being delayed is they fired 40 staff over threats of unionization and now the rest of their staff are revolting

Let’s trade in all this Harry Potter junk for a massive lore dump from the world of Kiki’s Delivery Service

I prefer not to think of my budget as “in need of a GoFundMe”— I am “one random and impossibly large Venmo donation from complete solvency”. Growth mindset, y’all.

I haven’t quit stand-up comedy, but about once a week a comedian at a show says “wait, you STILL do stand-up? I thought you quit!” so at least I am successfully rejecting hustle culture

To be fair, he isn’t a weird loser in the workplace. He’s an unbearable creep. Significant difference.

Remember when buying a lottery ticket wasn’t the most hopeful thing you could do?

Hey @larianstudios.com — you made my favorite video game ever, but the PS5 mod system corrupted all my saves and effectively broke all my stories and it sucks real bad

I still can’t believe that this dumb rich lady wrote a series of books about magic and made a website that told younger me that I was a badger but she insists there are only two genders assigned at birth

Please stop giving these dorks your crossword money

👏👏👏

Hey @unrivaledwbb.bsky.social — you should hire me to work on a video game. Just putting that out into the universe.

Now that health insurance is unaffordable for literally everyone I know, SURELY things will change. No? Everyone’s still somehow too preoccupied to do anything? Got it.

I need a separate therapist just to deal with the fact that I was once the same age as Bart Simpson and I am now older than Homer.

Teenage boys who trick-or-treat without a costume: it’s time to learn a lesson in what zero effort gets you. You get a treat, but it’s a can of warm La Croix thrown at you from twenty feet away.

Explain to me why we don't have free food and no cops instead (PS: don't explain it to me, I know)