on behalf of all the storyboard artists I know, get bent Marty

It’s a team effort… 🫪 Catch new episodes of Darkest Whimsy every Thursday on YouTube and anywhere you get your podcasts! 🎙️ @dantelfer.com @chelseathepope.bsky.social @kyleayers.bsky.social @lauralaham.bsky.social @theselenaprice.bsky.social

Los Angeles: We Have Loud Private Conversations in Public Because We Think You Love It!

If you hated The Mandalorian and Grogu, we don’t need to have a conversation about it. Also, I don’t care of you don’t care about it. Just shut up and let me enjoy my monster puppets, you creep.

I am so so tired of every popular comedy series being about successful, unbearable assholes. Bring me fucked up, dark characters, of course. But where are my WHOLESOME disasters?

Nobody Is Coming To Save Us™️©️

I can accept that Backrooms deserves to exist independent of House of Leaves But I find the premise of Backrooms so insanely identical to the central story of House of Leaves that I have a hard time imagining sitting through the movie

Thank you for submitting a support ticket! Our AI Digital Assistant has determined that your topic “all my files are inaccessible” can be resolved by this FAQ article: “This is your fault, go fuck yourself.” Thank you for contacting customer support! You’re welcome!

No, I am not, nor have I ever been in a Netflix Is A Joke show. We do not have to talk about why. This has been a public service announcement provided by the Small Talk Filtering Union (STFU)

I’m old enough to remember when “moderate” meant “obnoxious” rather than “bashful fascist”

Join me tomorrow at 9AM Pacific for the live premier of Episode 4 of @darkestwhimsy.com! bit.ly/darkestwhimsy

Look Fortnite, we had a decade of fun. We really did. But now you’re laying everyone off, incorporating AI tools, and every time I look you’re featuring the ability to play as Kim Kardashian. It may be time for gamers to invest in physical action figures again instead.

Also all books by trans and non-binary people would be banned in schools. Sometimes it feels like everyone is truly just curling up in a ball, covering their ears, and yelling LALALA until it’s their turn

I’m old enough to remember when websites had search bars where you could search for words, as opposed to digital assistants who had no idea what words are

Watch my new haircut livestreamed vis Baldur’s Gate 3! twitch.tv/TelferDan

Me: “I did stand-up on a late night talk show.” Folksy Local: “Why, ain’t been no late night talk shows ‘round these parts in HUNDREDS OF YEARS.”

Once a week I say “Siri?” and she lights up, I ask a question, and then she just goes dark as if I am too boring for her. Yeah AI is soooooo exciting!

I am deeply disappointed in @dsa.la for endorsing candidates who flip, horrifyingly so. Hugo Soto-Martinez went from promising to end encampment sweeps to personally ordering them. I have been behind @dsa.la but until they address this I don’t endorse their comedy and D&D fundraising events

Next time someone tries to tell you “AI is here to stay” remind them that we are already out of water and electricity and they need to catch up with the rest of us

Pick a Bond from the photos you already have on your phone

I am on my 6th Los Angeles apartment, and I no longer care if I like my apartment, I just want a safe place I can afford that doesn’t have an insane nosy landlord. Fairly certain that isn’t realistic, also.

Yes, yes, you can't afford to go to the doctor. But have you considered paying $99.99 to have a little AI-generated creature follow you around in Marvel Rivals™️©️?

Come watch @darkestwhimsy.com Episode 3 premiere live and say hi in the chat! youtu.be/V5O2h9dXTHs?...

So stoked! I am having so much fun making this show with my friends!

hey baby are you an AI data center or are you just draining all my valuable energy resources because we’re dating in Los Angeles

Happy 10 year anniversary, Overwatch! Of all the gaming communities I’ve been in, you are only one where I can lead in every stat, win, and all my teammates still say I suck. That was you day one, and you haven’t aged a day! Hard to believe your pro esports league isn’t still around!

this is happening across all industries. the reason it is harder to get a job—no matter what kind—is because everything has monopolized. there are fewer employers.

just out here raw doggin* it *refusing to ever put my phone in Low Power Mode

Back on Twitch with Karlach! twitch.tv/TelferDan

I find it deeply, darkly hilarious that people put conservative in their dating app profile AS WELL AS check off non-binary as a gender they will date, putting them in my feed. So your government wants me dead, but what, you’ll date me if I have a yacht that can hide us in international waters?

The number of times a day I hear “I hate capitalism, BUT” sure sounds a lot like an entire population loving capitalism

If a person tells you that they do a creative thing, stop following that up by asking if they’ve heard of a popular person who also does that thing. Yes, they’ve heard of the popular person, they‘re constantly compared to that popular person, and they may now want to crawl out of their own skin.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus in The Sheep Detectives is 🤌✨✨✨

It has come to my attention that the video game Mixtape has a dinosaur joke identical to a 15-year-old line from my stand-up. Yes I am aware, no I did not offer it myself. I’m sure they will claim parallel thinking, so hey what can ya do?

Episode 2 of @darkestwhimsy.com is here! Watch me try to lovingly kill my friends in full video! youtu.be/aHjo3saBOcI?...

I love video games except for 95% of the people I meet while playing them

you look like a big boy, you should be brave and try using your big boy turn signal

I’m old enough to remember when Amazon was popular because it shipped you a name brand, unbroken, uncursed, dry, undiseased, bullet-hole-free product within a week of the promised arrival date

America has officially re-enacted Jim Crow laws, in case you were one of the many people saying that would never really happen

Episode 2 of @darkestwhimsy.com is here! Watch me try to lovingly kill my friends in full video! youtu.be/aHjo3saBOcI?...

I wrote a parody commercial for dopamine, making fun of boring hormones like oxytocin and serotonin, but unfortunately I can’t share it in any way or I will die of self parody

Just your favorite Kiriko main streaming Overwatch on Twitch twitch.tv/TelferDan

I love video games except for 95% of the people I meet while playing them

It’s here! Episode 1 of @darkestwhimsy.com is live! Plz smash that subscribey button! youtu.be/ESk_Yduqz3g?...

It’s here! Episode 1 of @darkestwhimsy.com is live! Plz smash that subscribey button! youtu.be/ESk_Yduqz3g?...

Starting a conversation with the intention of giving unsolicited advice is not interesting or fun. It is manipulative and boring. Do kindly fuck off with it.

Every AI interaction: You: “Hey, can you explain __?” AI: “Absolutely! Here’s an obviously irrelevant answer. I’ll elaborate using details you already know are incorrect. Can I expand on parts you told me not to talk about?” You: “You’re wrong.” AI: “You are absolutely right, and I am so sorry.”

The Pope: “Check it out, I’m so progressive! War is bad and AI is gross! How do you do, fellow kids? I’m your hip pastor! Oh, queer and trans people can go fuck themselves, but look at me I’m wearing a backwards baseball hat!”

I am streaming and such! twitch.tv/TelferDan

Dating apps are a relatively new technology, wherein you may metaphorically and suggestively wink at a stranger by “swiping right”, and then by swiping right back you “match”. Unlike actual “dating”, it is then customary to ignore and avoid that person forever.