It’s not that I CAN’T match your freak It’s that I have gone on a date with more than one person who put “match my freak” in their bio, and then their freak was “sometimes I eat cereal after 11AM”

Hope everyone is enjoying the business news articles written by a web designer’s ChatGPT account telling all of us that AI isn’t taking any jobs

When I die all I ask is that someone marks all my inbox as read

It’s gotten worse and worse for 50 years and articles like this are fantasy. Network was real 50 years ago, we’ve screwed up media so much worse. People have said Idiocracy* is coming true for 20 years. No. We are 20 years into Idiocracy. *and Idiocracy’s constant use of slurs has NOT aged well.

There’s a lot to enjoy about the Olympics, but I find nationalism so revolting that it is impossible for me to care. Apologies to the hundred or so people who asked me if I was watching, I have done my best not to dry heave but have not always succeeded. Anyways sleds and arrows are fun

Fuck any medical providers who don't give a fuck about being trauma-informed. Either your healthcare practice is trauma-informed, or it's not healthcare. Period.

Not to brag but I live in LA and I am wearing two layers of socks

Ted Lieu: “Donald Trump is in the Epstein files thousands and thousands of times. In those files, there are highly disturbing allegations of Donald Trump raping children … of Donald Trump threatening to kill children. So I encourage the press to go look at these allegations.”

I will put out a third and final stand-up album and it will be vinyl-only and come with a record player, a speaker, a power generator, one ration of water and protein, three pills of potassium iodide to protect you from nuclear radiation while you listen, and a clean square of cloth to weep into

Dating apps serve only two functions: 1) They figuratively suggest you go fuck yourself 2) They literally suggest you go fuck yourself

I still can’t get over how we spent 30 years making fun of Clippy for being the worst and most annoying technology of all time, and mow we are destroying civilization to power Mega-Clippy

I played NBA2K26 on Twitch last night & got to my 2nd season as my WNBA player Nausica Telfair. - You earn money— that only your male players can spend. - If you win the WNBA finals the ENTIRE starting lineup quits, even if you do bonding events all off-season. Just like in 2K25. Boo. 2K blew it.

What an about like a pink triangle, or some kind of tattoo that signifies we’re officially registered so we no longer need our IDs?

There’s near infinite evidence that powerful wealthy mean kidnapped girls, assaulted & killed them, then buried the evidence. Then you compare the powerful wealthy men to kidnapped girls from the 1600’s, who were assaulted & killed by powerful wealthy men. Admit you’re simply terrified of women.

If you can afford to eat at The French Laundry you don’t have any business telling people they’re already obligated to support Gavin Newsom

Here’s what nobody will tell you about dating: The loneliness of disappointment washes over you. The grief is so deep that you choke. Taking the accountability is like opening your mouth underwater, only to have your mouth fill with ash. Tonight I’m co-hosting Lucha VaVoom in Pomona! Happy V-Day!🤙

FORTNITE VALENTINES Let’s join a squad together so we can get knocked at the same time. I know your rare chest is nearby so I’m gonna pickaxe this wall. Sorry, babe. I only come with back bling if you pay extra. I want to thank your bus driver and glide into your named location.

I haven’t quit stand-up, I just think hustle culture is designed to actually kill you, and so I don’t plug every damn thing I do on social media ✨🖤🤙

If you thought you were alone in thinking it's creepy that the two men who were on the boat with Natalie Wood are still silent about what happened... Nope, you are not alone. I literally wince during Severence. What a reality we're stuck in. Anyway, I write fantasy for a living, can you tell?

Not sure how I feel about Apple focusing all of their R&D behind “buttons to turn on new features you hate that randomly appear on your screen while you’re tapping something else”

Follow my new show @darkestwhimsy.bsky.social on BackerKit! I'm so very stoked for y'all to see what we're recording. The more folks who follow, the more feeds we get shown to! www.backerkit.com/call_to_acti...

Me: Please stop stabbing me. The Latest Incredible AI Model: Here is a serrated blade, plunged deep into your torso, puncturing three vital organs. Would you like me to make a checklist to keep track of all the ways you love having me stab you?

I still don’t know what teams were in the Super Bowl, but I can tell you every detail of Green Day’s opening set

I cannot explain it I have been a vegetarian my entire adult life and I like it And I like the taste of Field Roast veggie sausages But if I eat more than one I get extremely nauseous I can’t find a unique ingredient These plant-based sausages are guaranteed to be haunted, just a heads up

The show stars @kyleayers.bsky.social , @chelseathepope.bsky.social , @lauralaham.bsky.social , and @theselenaprice.bsky.social along with DM @dantelfer.com

Introducing Darkest Whimsy! A new TTRPG podcast from @dantelfer.com We’re launching our @backerkit.com campaign in less than a WEEK! You can support this show, made locally here in Los Angeles 100% by humans, simply sign up become a supporter 💪 darkestwhimsy.com

I don’t miss dating so much as I miss going to the grocery store with a partner. I can either remember beans, or I can remember tortillas. I will never remember both. This is the only thing I grieve on the buildup to Valentine’s Day. Intentional home tacos.

If you have an app or website that includes an AI “helper” you should know that it has helped no-one and everyone hates your service because of it

The thing about pronouns is they are the absolute bare fuckin minimum of respect you can show a person, and a big reason they got any focus at all is because queer people were like “welp we may as well try and throw these lazy regressive people a bone and suggest pronouns” They are not “hard.”

Sometimes I get really frustrated that I was laid off by my last salaried job three years ago. Then I remember that they laid me off over Zoom, on the weekend, while I was in the back of a Lyft, when they knew I was on my way to speak at my friend’s memorial. I don’t miss that employer so much.

now calm down, everyone, we have to reign in Emperor Palpatine through the proper channels

NEW: Liam Conejo Ramos, the 5-year-old who ICE agents in Minneapolis nabbed last week and shipped off to a Texas detention facility with his dad, is now in poor health, his school superintendent told me today www.huffpost.com/entry/liam-c...

Her 2: Arguing With AI About Why They Keep Adding And Removing Columns From A Tax Spreadsheet When Asked Not To

In May I will be 10 years cancer free, and I would be a lot more enthused if America wasn’t in Stage 4b

Remember to take down your government- oops I meant Christmas tree- before it burns your house to the ground

Some of y’all have a lot more power within this nightmare than you think you do— - Make and share food - Give tenants a break on rent / utilities - Offer to walk people to and from cars - Be willing to sit & listen - Examine your boundaries so you can give with more kindness, safety, and confidence

Don’t sleep on Fionna & Cake, nerds. It’s as if the writers not only watched every episode of Adventure Time together, but they also team-binged Fleabag and watched Bottoms as a chaser. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I often think about how if we called it “educating” A.I. it would get defunded completely

There’s suddenly so many “moderate” comedians. It’s a handy reminder that the specific term “stand-up” may be from earlier, but it was largely popularized as a jokey label that the mob would give comedians when they performed under hostile conditions. “He’s a stand-up guy.” AKA mafia bootlicker 🤷

I get that the reviews are good, but I still can’t believe they named the movie 28 Years Later: Welcome To The Bone Zone

Hey hey sup y'all? Did you know the US might announce they're invading Greenland tomorrow, and that Europe promised to go to war with the US if they do? Kinda slipped through my usual news feed, so I thought I would give the big Telfer in-crowd a friendly heads up! www.forbes.com/sites/mikest...

Democrats are people who ignore the primaries and Republicans are people who think the Constitution just says “have lively debates”

Just because you don’t have the patience or wisdom to get to know someone doesn’t mean their identity is fake. It means you are impatient and/or dumb.

“Why doesn’t anyone have compassion for me?!” — all psychopaths and sociopaths

It’s nice being a stand-up comedian in that community, and I am happy to have lots of comic and non-comic friends, but comedians make up 99.9% of the Avoidant Attachment population. I have had three of them check in about the 2025 LA fires… this month. I guess fire is CLINGY Love y’all!

General strikes sound fantastic if you are one of those rare, lucky americans who won’t be fired, starve, & lose shelter within a month if you try it. There is NO safety net. I get it, I do. We need everyone. But also I feel like americans who are enthusiastic about it very much don’t get it.

Dear people who drop the phrase “it’s interesting” into a monologue about yourself: OH? YOU DON’T SAY! IS IT?

At last night’s candlelight vigil for Renee Nicole Good, Bishop Rob Hirschfeld of the Episcopal Diocese of New Hampshire announced he had asked the clergy of the diocese to get their affairs in order and to make sure they have their wills written ...,

My sympathies to everyone else who’ll still be on the Raya waitlist when Western Civilization collapses

Would you like to see more or less of these useless notifications you never asked for? [ ] More [ X ] Less Great! We will now send them constantly, which will gaslight you into thinking it could somehow be worse! 💕