I just made this for a friend

I'm excited about the return of Sort Your Life Out tonight. Who will be on this week? The child abusers, or the people who are too sad to tidy up?

I'm in Oxford. I hope the university's finest minds are trying to work out what that bright area is. And also why the sky is that weird blue colour.

Yes everything is terrible but let’s not lose sight of the fact that someone has written the Headline to End All Headlines.

Two quite big planes just took off from Fairford. Early reports are that they are definitely in the sky, but there is no indication as to what planes they were, where they are going or why. More as we get it.

Lads, what if we all ganged up on America? They've got a big army but surely not bigger than the rest of us put together.

I am so blind that my lenses are heavy and my glasses are constantly slipping down. There is no solution to this that does not make me look even more of a dickhead than I already do. Especially since I'm also bald and can't hide anything amid a luxurious mane of flowing hair.

Oof. Market expectations of the BOE. www.ft.com/content/9b08...

What a load of pretentious wank

"Hi, IT. Could you remote into my machine and install these specific drivers which your bosses have prepared for you ready?" "Log into the portal, search and install the app there. Ticket closed" "I have the app, I need device drivers. Can you please do the thing I've asked for?" *sigh*

I have cackled like a filthy drunken sailor repeatedly at this

If I were Iran, I would have kept this secret then America couldn't just blow the new guy up too.

Trump On Fence About Attending Ayatollah’s Funeral

We're watching the second series of the rather excellent Patience. And it has become apparent to me that Jessica Hynes is one of my very favourite lady actresses.

The daffodils are out in force. Plus we met this Mara which can't decide if it's a rabbit or deer or some kind of rodent.

Some personal news...

Please stop what you are doing and listen to this

It's not that I'm not enjoying series 2 of Paradise, it's that after a year I have no idea who these people are or what they're doing.

I have made a delicately spiced rice pudding with coconut milk, cardamom, cinnamon, ginger and anise. I will serve with a few drops of rose water.

A warm can of Stella. A shopping trolley in a canal. A bag of dog shit. A mug that says "Keep Calm and Eat A Cheeky Nandos". A fight outside a kebab shop. A single mobile phone repair shop amongst boarded up premises. A wet glove on a bollard. Risky 10p Yellow trifle.

A large and noisy plane just left Fairford. I'm still in bed so I didn't see what it was.

I like both breasts and sausages, so this is right in that venn diagram

Sensational scenes

This is magnificent. He is a walking episode of Rivals. Absolutely glorious.

Not sure what business a backbench opposition MP has in discussing UK foreign policy with the leader of another country.

"SHIT" "FUCK" "NO" "FUCK" "SHIT" "FUCK"

Turns out Trump does actually want to do this

There's nothing like culture to bring us together

Reminds me of the time Orwell said, "Any fucker can make up a quote"

Andrew Tate's twatty video only starts making any sense when you use different music

Well Shabana Mahmood can fuck right off

I see the season of Fool's Spring is upon us. Don't be taken in. A warm day is there to trick you, then the fog returns and the temperatures drop.

I'm not sure a graphic of the country seemingly on fire is the most advisable and positive look for the 2026 World Cup hosts.

Someone on this train is wearing a scarf that looks so much like mince I did a double take.

If anyone is friends with any Georgian air traffic controllers, buy them a nice bottle of wine. As guardians of pretty much the only narrow gap still available between Europe and Asia that avoids both Iran, the Gulf, Ukraine and Russia, they are under some substantial pressure.

Hello from Europe!

I've been unemployed for a few months. I now set myself pretend jobs to prevent the rot setting in. My son thinks this guy is funny, which is a good enough excuse to make something. Any requests?

Remember that Bush told Blair that he fully understood if the UK couldn't back him over Iraq. Trump is not an ally.

Another blow to the cost of living. Aren't things difficult enough for ordinary people?

I turned on notifications on BBC Sounds. The main problem I have is that I don't know that a returning series has come back. The notifications read "New episodes of your favourite shows released overnight". Tapping it takes you to the front page of the app.

It wasn't them that stepped AWAY from diplomacy! Why would they trust the yanks, who have twice bombed them halfway though talks?!

This reminds me of that Frankie Boyle joke about how Americans not only come to your country and kill your people, they also come back twenty years later to make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers sad.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has now achieved the impressive accolade of becoming the first ever presenter of Channel 4's Alternative Christmas Message to have been taken out by an Israeli airstrike.

Coming soon to Iranian TV

I think you mean “panicking immigrants” Ms Oakshott?

I don't know what this post is about, but I like to think that the Ayatollah had a lucrative sideline

Oh fuck off, Franklin.

Today we saw this tamandua drinking some water. We haven't seen him before. He shares with the armadillos but is normally asleep. Isn't he lovely?