Oh good, Trump’s government is here to patrol our speech.

If you have to be the eggman or the walrus, go eggman because you’ll have union benefits.

I’ve taken to carrying a fully loaded fire extinguisher with me at all times, in case an influencer begins filming within twenty feet of me.

I don’t make enough busking to keep pushing this grand piano all the way downtown every day.

it’s called 24k gold bc it weighs the same as 24 carrots, think like “horsepower” it’s the power of 180 horses

Right before my presentation to the shareholders, my boss asked how much prep I’d done. “None,” I said. “Are you serious?” “Remember,” I said, “misplaced confidence is still confidence.”

In Toy Story 5, the gang forms a tech startup and battles the dastardly Lots-o'-White Collar Crime Bear.

Three artistic nudes and a Chipotle gift card with $41.64 weren’t enough to bribe my way into Mensa.

Being sedentary is harmful to the elderly, which is why I release king cobras in nursing homes.

The Applebee’s bartender just informed us there’s only one mozzarella stick left in the freezer, and we all want it. So it looks like it’s Russian roulette time.

Underfilling his air tank by ten minutes and then telling him it was full never failed to elicit laughs from the crew as Cousteau dove into the abyss.

Riding this motorcycle down the interstate naked, save for a helmet, lets people know that while I care about my brain, I still have that devil-may-care whimsy.

Whenever I go to a clown’s open-casket funeral, I hit the body in the face with a pie, just to make sure they’re really dead.

I attended an early screening of Hamnet last night, which I thought was a film about Shakespeare and his family, but it turns it out it's just two hours about a guy trying to build a pig trap.

Though she was a successful writer, Edith Wharton's immense wealth came primarily from her plus-size clothing store, The House of Girth.

It wasn't long before Hemingway regretted saying farewell to his arms.

I was with László Krasznahorkai at Pizza Hut today when he found out about the Nobel, and I leaned in and whispered into his ear, "You won this round, you bastard, but you won't win the next one."

I'm the only oil that can accurately be called essential.

I built a time machine so I could go back and meet all my old timey relatives but it turned out they were all just assholes and dipshits.

I bet Thomas Jefferson would have loved Soul Train.

not to brag but im probably really good at pole vaulting

If these Antifa fellows were really any great shakes, they’d be able to do something about these goddamn pelicans that keep following me and stealing my mail.

Peter Dinklage should have played the lead in The Smashing Machine.

Everything in IKEA’s Ed Gein Furniture Collection looks cheap.

Evidently, the MacArthur Genius Grant committee doesn’t follow me here on Bluesky.

Conrad's original title for Heart of Darkness was, Congo River Spring Break: Booze 'n Boners

Nothing tests the strength and quality of linen like a mummy's morning wood when a spell reanimates them after a few thousand years.

If you die in a Culver's, they embalm you with the custard flavor of the day.

As a child, little Edgar Allan Poe was driven to the point of madness by his older brother Kevin, who always called him Edgar Ellen Poe.

All these oranges but no Julius.

This bear is being all pissy because I told him I wouldn’t read his poetry while he hibernates and then workshop it with him in the spring.

The last time I was at this all-you-can-eat crab legs night, the owner tased me for “taking it too literally.” But now I’m back, and in a suit of armor this time, and I can’t wait to see how that little son of a bitch handles this.

I just gave a forty-five-minute presentation to the board of directors and no one noticed it was entirely Bugs Bunny quotes.

This country would be much better off had it taken Benjamin Franklin’s recommendation to make Wooly Bully the national anthem.

Frog and Toad Frame Earnest

Bringing my service seal into this Coastal Seafoods was a stupid mistake that’s going to cost me a goddamn fortune.

We’re out here trying to find this body, but this dumbass bloodhound keeps leading us straight to different White Castles.

Paul Thomas Anderson is the filmmaker Quentin Tarantino thinks he is.

If you’re in the Chili’s bar and strike up a conversation with the Soprano’s-looking guy next to you who reveals his work nickname is Tommy the Grandma Fucker, DO NOT ask him why.

Ed Gein snapped because everyone laughed at his nautical poetry.

The real question is who isn’t afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Miami Sex Machine, my g-string only Miami Sound Machine tribute act, didn’t win many fans down here at this American Legion hall.

I just got to this party in the Hamptons wearing all white and these Ivy League motherfuckers don’t know what to do.

There was a time in this country when people minded their own business while you weighed a brick of coke on the produce scale at the grocery store.

The world would be a much more flavorless place had Aristotle not invented the gyro.

In the ‘80s, my aunt Tiffanee created the precursor for OnlyFans by mailing nude Polaroids to people who sent her cash and self-addressed stamped envelopes.

The Smashing Machine is me after two watermelon martinis.

If you put a top hat and monocle on Bruce, your pet capybara, everyone will believe he's your pharmaceutical company's CEO.

Sometimes I wonder how my life would have turned out if my uncle hadn’t snuck up behind the doctor and blown that air horn during my circumcision.