It’s been a while since I was on this account, I hope you’re all doing okay 💛 I’ve been eating smthing small in the morning, getting drunk and eating once again between 5pm-2am. Thankfully detox is in 6 days and I can get off alcohol as a physical dependency

The two moods this week

I’ve been living off lentil dahl and veggie soups for like 2 weeks now

Peripheral shadow demons are back in full force

I’m trying ti taper, if I can’t by a certain date I’ll go to medical detox again

Again forgot social media exists. My technology is just gaming and checking a few super famous accounts that are unhealthy as fuck

two friends in one day telling me to get it together 😭

i feel bad but i kind of hope i do, just in a way that nobody can tie to my mental health

I’m so tired of crying tired of panic attacks tired of nightmares tired of forcing myself to pick at food that’s just a waste of money

I think the brain damage is catching up.. I was suicidal over a financial situation that yes could’ve ruined my fucking life but literally I read date wrong. my fucking idiotic self didn’t realise what date it was so reading it didn’t mean anything bc I’m losing track of time in every way

literally me and my mum yesterday 😭

this might sound insane but I’m genuinely starving i think. Lately I am replacing my meals with ‘hypothetical meals’. I do this when I’m restricting a lot. I look at other people’s food. Imagine every detail about it and what it tastes like: and then I feel almost satisfied in a way

I hope you’re all doing okay, life is really crazy for everyone atm 💛 I’m sorry I only come on here to vent post and leave these days. I’m under a lot of stress and can barely socialise irl

i literally woke up 15 minutes ago and I can’t stop crying

fullt out of drugs and alcohol, might just suffer through a sober night idk. I missed therapy today, told her we should just discontinue our sessions at this point because I keep missing them

telling myself over and over that none of this is real/matters and that is how I find moments of calm in my head

how am i dealing with my issues/feelings today? drinking straight spirits on an empty stomach (cheaper) and an hour on the exercise bike let’s go

had a panic attack because my rent increased again and i can barely afford to eat real meals currently

anyone else handle abandonment as well as I do :) isolating restricting and getting high. i hate it but i hope they’re worried about me. i also just want him to be happy. but also i feel extremely hurt by what he was doing to me. so i just keep drinking and crying

first sips of spirits (lies I just chug from the bottle bc i want to get it over with) on an empty stomach feel so warm, i chase this all the time I just want to be relaxed and warm but I’m always stressed, depressed and cold

main consolation these days is that I can escape through substances and starving. When I’m sober my fucking chest hurts I cry so much, everything just hurts all the time. Of course I fucking need to dissociate from it all

back to daily drinking.. not sure how I ended up here again but here I am.

I am incredibly lonely now. You reap what you sow right :)

he got the kids in the divorce (told me not to ever contact him or our friend group again im not crying u are)

idk but every time I’m consistently losing weight I stop using ed platforms and start scrolling recipes and mulbangs instead like idgaf about thinspo I just want to feel lighter every day and enjoy what I do eat

got told twice this week that I’m “so healthy now!” Meanwhile my psychologist says bc of my food restriction I don’t have the cognitive capacity to choose a healthy coping skill over a maladaptive one

made tea out of the lemon myrtle and lemon grass growing in the garden it is so lovely and fresh

my worker said smth fucked today without realising, She was like as ling as you’re not oh what’s it called heroin chic skinny then I’ll really start worrying and then we chatted about how weirdly casually everyone discusses her addiction

✨ post work out

you can tell someone the truth over and over but fr it won’t get through to them until they’re ready to hear it

losing weight and ditching shitty men, exercising for 30 minutes to an hour daily and generally trying to be more physically active, reading instead of scrolling, started painting again, not sober but drinking much less and I’m reconnecting with my close friends 💛

wtf I can’t believe I was only on 5 days ago everything feels different

I told him I’m going to be away when he wants to visit which is genuinely true. I also know he just wants sex. Is it crazy this might be my final straw? I have no future

HELP PLS can we do polls on here why can’t i find it

Some of my old jeans are fitting better each week I’ll rest when they’re all loose again

if I ever type weird assume I am not sober but i do mean what i say i promise

this. Is the realest thing I have ever read in my entire life 😭

just smoked. Its like I'm me again!

i love the end of the month when yall make trackers for us peasants to use it makes me so happy i love yall

Guys I’m sorry to come back and just be intense I have been going through some SHIT lol

dinner was 2 of these serves of lentil tabbouleh with a spoon of hummus and some avocado, actually so good 🙏🏽

Last night I had one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had online gaming.. genuinely if I didn’t have good friends I met and play with on that game I would probably stop playing it now

had a dream my friend was telling me about how high calorie alcohol is so I was going to sh and then I woke up

I am ANGRY so I’m going to get drunk and exercise

Maybe I’m being sensitive but this mental illness is hell and I’m fucking mad that people are being exposed to new ‘methods’. Someone recommended taking sleeping pills while leaving work so it kicks in on the drive home and ur too tired to eat later, all the comments are like ‘ur a genius!’ 💀

anyone else seen the viral edtt video where there is literally thousands of people sharing disordered tips and nobody is calling it out i hate that app like that’s forums are for?? why share such dangerous info on gddamn tikt0k 💀 i’m so pissed off

I need to be financially compensated for the constant nightmares about my biological father !! also a holiday in greece and 10kgs gone overnight !!

haven’t slept in 24 hours because I ran out of weed. today’s plan is to drink myself to sleep

i keep weighing myself on my broken scales is this self torture