Vote YES on Prop Joe.

Crapture, more like. Am I right folks?* *rhetorical

The president of America is basically that guy every town centre has, that drinks Duckhams Hypergrade and shouts at cats.

"Now on Channel 5, more bovine space adventures with Cattlestar Galactica. After negotiations with the Cylons fail -they're cows- the crew runs into trouble when Monty eats the navigation systems."

I got a card through the door saying they had to leave the rapture with a neighbour.

Corporatists Vs Oligarchs

In Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds, our eponymous heroes favour the rapier over the musket, but you can see why they opted for the 'Muske' prefix in their name.

Call me a bleeding-heart liberal, but I believe everyone is equal, with no exceptions. Which is why I lost my job as a talent contest judge.

Get Harry on, you cowards. #LUFC

We here at Lunch Hunting Safari believe that hunting beautiful animals for sport can be done ethically. That's why all our lions, giraffes, tapirs and more, are released, unharmed, straight back into the ocean.

Have they ever tried turning the electric chair back on afterwards, to see if it brings them around?

My first acting gig was playing the penises of naked dead bodies in crime shows. It was explained to me that it was cheaper for them this way, than paying for me as the whole body. Fond memories, but I was typecast as a corpse penis thereafter.

FYI There are still some* tickets left to see my western reimagining of a Shakespeare classic... Rodeo and Juliet; with all scenes performed on mechanical bulls. In a gulch. *all

TV PICK OF THE WEEK: One Flew Over the Eagle's Nest - McMurphy, Chief, and the gang return for more wacky adventures; this time in Nazi Germany.

When I agreed to become a drug mule, I wasn't aware of the quantity they had in mind. It's definitely going to hurt. Swallowing the shipping container was bad enough...

Just got a job as a cleaner on the Bang Bus. If I pass my six month trial period, they said they'll give me a cloth. (Pretty sure this is a repurposed Python gag)

Haven't seen any videos of nazis being punched for a while. Has it stopped, or just not being filmed/uploaded? I don't know about you lot, but it'd bring me some much needed joy.

Calling those at the Nazi rally 'violent thugs' is a tad disrespectful to all the decent violent thugs out there who don't get up to that kind of mindless shit.

This is why we can't rely on draws to keep us up. When games are there for the taking....

According to reports, the fire department is attending a site in Utah, where two men have become lodged in a pipe.

In 1989 Terry Butcher ran an opium den concealed behind a head bandage, for the majority of the World Cup qualifier against Sweden. It was shut down in the 78th minute following complaints from neighbours. The wound now serves as a community centre.

It's amazing what valuable stuff you can find in an elderly person's attic. Just found a perfectly good bag of grandad.

They may as well have written "I hate freedom and America. Sincerely, John Leftist-Marx" on the bullets.

Fighting weasels down the east end.

Looking foward to seeing all the ridiculous 'MAGA did it' conspiracy theories I'm starting right now in this very post.

For what it's worth, I don't think nazis care whether you denounce it, offer sympathy, or celebrate; they'll continue being constantly furious regardless. This opinion was brought to you by the letters MEH.

You may not remember this, but it was Britain's answer to E.T....

Fabrizio Romano announces World War Three. Deal done.

@herring1967.bsky.social Not sure if you're still accepting suggestions for the TMWRNJ lazy comedy ideas, but I just thought of The Littlest Oboe - A stray woodwind instrument goes from town to town, helping everone except small people who look like Syd Little; who he hates.

After the apocalypse someone will be tasked with making a mechanical chat GPT, with levers and cogs and whatnot.

Badger loves mashed potato

As I pull the lever on the Mr Frosty machine, another mashed morsel of my own shit ekes out, and Mr Farage hires me on the spot.

Watching The Wire again, and found myself singing... 🎵 "What's the story in Baltimory, Omar is on his way. What's the story in Baltimory, who's getting shot today?" Now I can't stop imagining the gritty crime show The Balamory Murders.

After being accused of counting cards, my head was squeezed in a vise until my eye popped out; and until I get an apology, I won't be setting foot in Clintons again.

I'm flying my St. George's cross flag upside down, to indicate distress.

Anyone else's emergency alert order you to kill?

This Glinner versus the cops thing is a complex case because, on the one hand, I hate both.

I wonder how often you get two nonces inadvertently trying to groom each other online.

Public opinion on this is obviously divided, but I think the one slight downside to making love to a wolf is the torn flesh one must suffer.

Ah, lessons in staying healthy from Mr "I had mercury poisoning and a worm for a headmate. At the same time."

And in this basket, did they put all their... ha ha... wait for it...money into it?

Well this made me cry.

Just seen Bernie Taupin throwing talc at a gas storage cage. When I asked him what he was doing, he coughed up a load of spiders, then ran off. Makes you think.

Turned the tap on to see if the sound of running water would help me piss, but I just couldn't manage it. Especially with the head chef screaming at me.

Chief of War is good, but it's bloody annoying that everyone basically gives up speaking in their native tongue, presumably for the benefit of an audience who don't like subtitles; but it also comes across like the writers etc couldn't be arsed to carry on with Hawaiian, and even Momoa's accent goes

Donald Trump just announced that all drones are birds, and must be protected by the RSPB, then shoved a half-eaten copy of Tatler magazine up his arse.

I saw a yeti creeping through my door, I wrestled with the yeti 'til his blazer tore, Then the yeti ate spaghetti, That made his guts very sore, And there's now a dead yeti on my bedroom floor. -A poem about poisoning a yeti and getting away with it, by Todd Bjonathan Soubriquet Lunch, Age 42 1/2

[Me having to represent a man in court accused of lewd acts with a penguin] "I plead not guilty."