What’s the charge?! Eating succulent milk and cookies?!

It’s not the holidays until I see that paperboy eat it on his bike.

I hate ending emails with “Best”… it’s nonsense. Best what? But no one reads sign offs anyway so I started using Opeth lyrics. Atone for all you’ve done, Dan Kozuh

My newest article for The Hard Times…

This might be the shot and a beer talking but get fucked.

Me realizing church just isn’t for me.

Hey all, The Onion is accepting applicants for our writing, video and graphics fellowships. Fellowships last six months, pay well, and provide full benefits. You can apply at theonion.com/fellowship.

I am absolutely for the US switching to metric but Fahrenheit is so much better than Celsius. “It’s so hot! It’s like 30 degrees in here!” Get out of here with that shit.

I’m very proud to be a Humorist at Freelance.

Short review of my Polish vacation: Live in Warsaw, Party in Krakow

“You write comedy? You must be laughing all the time!” ME:

Jeremy Allan White on the set of The Iron Claw (oil on canvass, 2022)

So It’s AI Cards Against Humanity

Finland is the Twin Peaks of Europe

You have exactly 2 weeks in order to affect your Spotify Wrapped so that it isn’t just the KPop Demon Hunters Soundtrack.

The Hard Times appears to be back and one of my articles was posted!

JP Morgan Chase netted $58.5 billion in 2024 alone. I suspect their fine for this will be maybe $50 million.

The Highlander soundtrack rips.

It’s been months and the more I think about Alien Earth the angrier I get.

WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!

*Write a resignation letter in my tone and voice about how being a sexual predator doesn’t reflect who I am as a person*

Thomas Hardy would take up at 4 am to study Latin and write poetry before going to work as an architect. I woke up at 4 am to listen to a podcast about Thomas Hardy before going to work writing forklift manuals. We are basically twin flames.

Arriving at Costco

Family is doing early Thanksgiving and watching old the Macys Day Parade from 1981. We have to take a drink every time they do something you absolutely couldn’t get away with today. Within the first few minutes is an elephant forced to roller skate. I’m going to be WASTED.

An executive at my company said AI is only as smart as the person who uses it. If I start using AI, it will probably implode and I will be the savior of the world.

Me, when I successfully report a phishing test sent by my company:

TIL Tito hated Stalin so much he banned Soviet films in communist Yugoslavia which led him to import Mexican films instead because he felt they were more “revolutionary.” This led to a Yugoslavian obsession with mariachi music and the creation of Yu-Mex music… youtu.be/HVMpPmi-GCU

Apropos of, uh, everything, here's a spoof toy ad by me and @jlongo.bsky.social for the latest edition of @currentaffairs.bsky.social

Just found the folder from when I was so bored I put other TV shows' episode titles over #StarTrek #TNG title cards.

Hear me out... Time Life Mysteries of the Unknown: The Role Playing Game

The fun thing about knowing you’re never going to be able retire is that you can watch the economy burn and not worry about it effect on your long term investments.

*I die and enter hell* SATAN: Hey, there he is! I guess they just let anyone in here.

Higher quality cos I'm a sicko

I finally found a therapist I can be open with!

Sci-Fi writers will build a world so complex it creates society never before conceived but then name the city some half-hearted garbage like Neo New York or Electronicsville.

Watch how fast the government reopens after this massacre.

Huh, you’d think CNN would have asked that question before the election.

The polls have been closed for two minutes… where are my results already?!?!

Damn right #VOTE #boobs

This instantly rammed the theme song into my brain and ruined the rest of, what had been, a pretty good day.

Joy receptacle Joy, IL

ANUBIS: (presses button with paw) [guilty] OSIRIS: im sorry he does this when he's hungry ANUBIS: (button) [guilty] [bad] [food] OSIRIS: you already ate ANUBIS: (button) [bad] [bad] [bad] OSIRIS: he's right though we weighed your heart against the feather and its not looking good

BRAK O LANTERN

True Romance (1993, dir. Tony Scott)

This butthead is officially cancer free. He had no idea he was sick.

adjusted for inflation

It’s absurd that Fandango charges you a fee to buy tickets when no one goes to movie theaters anymore. You should get a discount for actually committing go.

I’m not going to debate politics at Thanksgiving, I’m just going…

I don’t follow college football, are the Tulane Rhesus Monkeys know for being an aggressive team? They should really get some proper sex-ed, it’s really common for infections to spread among teammates.