okay plan is have a deep hot bath and get ready for bed and delay any Bad Thoughts until i have slept

don’t you hate it when you space out and then realize you were engaging in suicidal behaviour which you now have to put down on your diary card to share with therapist but don’t even have an explanation for it, just zoned out and autopilot?

the news stories here and abroad about involuntary confinement or even death sentences for people with the misfortune to be mentally ill are ... rough to see. like, it's hard enough for me to stay alive without the threats.

i think the only horror i have enjoyed is dracula (the novel), and the rest that i have dared look at just makes me terrified-sick and miserable so bluesky is a little sad for me since i see so many people who are so enthusiastic about the genre

one hour to go. working on work as the distraction as far as my energy permits.

the original skeet was a lot darker, but on the bright side, I always want to interpret :q! as an emoji with a surprised expression

i would fail a psych evaluation with flying colours

i have group class in 2.5 hours, lasting until then and joining the zoom is a good short term goal. baby steps.

<esc>:q! would be the world's nerdiest resignation letter

proof of life

The name "Vanessa" was invented by Jonathan Swift, author of Gulliver's Travels en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vanessa...

i'm feeling really conflicted and emotional about this i'd be much happier if it was made clear that trauma-informed care is a top priority in certification i'm still dealing with flashbacks to how i was treated in the past

i have a cold and am using it as a good reason to cancel dancing outside tomorrow night to rehearse the performance on saturday, and that way avoid the whole thing it's a relief, though i also feel an urge to cancel everything — especially if dance-related — and withdraw from the world completely

one mindfulness exercise i have kept up pretty consistently is drinking my daily espresso fully focused on first the smell and then the taste, any memories or sensations it brings up, imagery it inspires

[vc pitch] based on market data* we see a huge demographic eager to try out our new gamified ai-enhanced social media platform… *viewership of Black Mirror

my pattern recognition module is functioning this morning #stack202 5/5 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 ⏱️ 1m 43s 🔥 streak: 26 🥈 #stackdownsilverteam puzzlist.com/stackdown

a few years back i tried as hard as i could to develop an imaginary friend; thinking about revisiting that effort because something has to change in my life, i have been “toes over the cliff edge” for a year but now it’s more like hanging by fingernails off the edge

988 helped 🥹

i can feel white noise like a snake going through my head

it has been [ 0 ] days since aurora hit herself 😞

the mentally ill urge to go get alcohol to deliberately make my problems worse

well, at least my covid test is negative also: my first mistyped version said my twat was negative, which, alas, is also true

tater tots are kind of gross, an insult to potatoes there, i said it

post you from a different era (it’s all so awful)

post you from a different era

i’m sorry I’m such an asshole on here I’ll try again tomorrow

apparently the moderation labeling for misinformation is now useless, so i turned it off

i can’t even cry out loud because the dog gets worked up

fantasizing about the kind of injury which necessitates emergency bottom surgery 🙃

“i wonder if i stopped taking my antipsychotics i could see my dead friend again” and other super helpful thoughts my brain gives me

This is so perfectly well said, and so heartbreaking in its truth.

wanting to die but persisting in pain anyways, the aurora story

alone in the house for a couple of days, and i feel i should be making the most of it — voice training, music making, dance? but it all feels closed off right now, shame crushing it from me objectively this is a silly thing and i bet if i somehow pushed through i’d be able to do it all

my eldest son (a park ranger now in the east kootenays) regularly sends photos of these absolutely breathtaking mountain summit vistas, but at that altitude it’s all rock, maybe lichen growing at most, and so it also feels to me completely hostile to human presence

awkward conversation coming up in therapy this week about the latest suicide attempt, i am already feeling guilty for not using the right skills to head off the dissociation episode

one leg elasticized, one left to do (and the top part, not shown) it isn’t going to be effective for tucking on its own, i have concluded, oh well.

in bc at least we are still waiting for the covid and flu shots to be rolled out, and i am reminded how last October i caught covid just days before i had scheduled my booster 😬

i’ve seen the saudi totalitarian dictatorship buying researchers to whitewash their reputation up close with a colleague who sold out years ago, who i never will willingly speak to again i find it hard to believe people (who don’t really _need_ the money) actually can accept that money

age yourself with a film you saw in cinema as a kid

for large time steps of an inviscid incompressible liquid with significant surface tension forces at play, i’m trying to find the sweet spot of a simple linear kernel to evaluate the surface pressure quasi-implicitly (and unconditionally stably) with less artifacts than my prior solution: fun!! 😁

one thing i am struggling with is the sense there are huge agonizing problems inside me, trauma and avoidance and obsessive-compulsive stuff, and “superficial” dbt skills to tolerate them without spiralling are hard to focus on when the deeper wounds aren’t even acknowledged what’s the point.

mood

Yes, we fucking can. We can afford Canada Post, we can afford universal healthcare and prescriptions, we can afford free tuition. You're told we can't "afford it" because industry wants all the money you pay in tax going to them instead, and our politicians keep handing it over.

thank god it’s saturday with a full weekend ahead of us 😊

custom bluesky image filter that puts your pfp into the inner ring of every interaction circle

minor pet peeve with our egalitarian shul is that if i’m called up i have to have an obvious head covering — a wig is not enough. finding a nice hat is annoying with a head my size (made harder by a wig), but i will never ever ever wear a kippah again

she’s a ten but she wants to play spacequest with just a cga card

whoa that weirded me out, i once wrote a poem (about evening on the psych ward) with the phrase “meds and beds”

The optometrist messed up my prescription. I'm so mad I can't see straight.

you know those little suction sounds when you successfully press a contact lens on to your eyeball and it starts to stick to your eye instead of a finger, and you’re like “yeah let’s go!” inside?