confession: when someone tells me that their friend/partner/relative “says hi” i don’t actually understand what to make of it hi is a greeting, but how does it work when the person isn’t even present to greet?

i just wish i could stop my mind from hurting so much

hoping my condition is more cptsd than pd because “…akin to setting off on a trek through Mordor…” is more encouraging than anything i’ve read so far about the personality disorder lens on what i deal with 😂

oh fuck it. why not. here i am, posting full frontal

Hiking the rugged, glacier-carved high barrens hills of the central Bay de Verde Peninsula. #Newfoundland, Canada. #hiking #backpacking, no #trail

my mantra for next week is that i am in ballet and ballet conditioning specifically to learn skills and improve for my contemporary dance work, not to be a ballerina, i’m not being graded or auditioned or judged by anyone who matters, and since nobody is mean it doesn’t matter how clocky i look

hope is the thing with feathers

hope is the thing with feathers

a good therapy talk about dealing with stressors, including gender dysphoria, in ballet class, and avoiding feeling like minor self-harm is my best coping mechanism in future classes except it was hard to find the right words to describe the gender dysphoria aspect (ballet outfit can be brutal)

someone is outside cleaning windows, so i am hiding in a room with the curtains closed, trying to last without needing food or bathroom breaks 😂

at least i’m in less pain this morning. a little easier to hang on even without hope.

*surreptitiously removing my cosplay gear and losing the hope of celeb autographs as i realize i misunderstood what DEFCON 3 meant*

AP style guide: after orchiectomy, it’s just “genital”, singular not plural

wait, is it “blowjobbed” or “blewjob”? i don’t want any embarrassing mistakes in my cover letter

reverse cowgirl so i won’t get blimpsick

not well but i’m going to hang on to see my therapist tomorrow

girl whose monday night contemporary class was just cancelled (too few enrolled)

i don’t suppose i could just “lower my expectations” if those are just baseline needs, huh

the welt is not helping my weltschmerz

knowing that none of the guys at work are thinking at all about what to do with their hair before turning zoom video on

attempting to summon up the will to work when i am otherwise numbed out of the pain and everything seems completely pointless

[as the priest escorts me and my custom incense out of the church] well in my defence the sign did say “high anglican service”

i was conservative with my shots these past four weeks, only a little over the 4mg per 4 day i am officially prescribed, and one where i was a little under today was drain the vial day, and so now i’ve got 9mg in me, so maybe it’s going to be a better week 😂 (next vial i’ll even it out better)

4/20, also known as 0.2 in metric countries

VERY COOL PERSON: It's four-twenty, you know what that means? ME: Hell yeah! [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

i can try to pose so my stupid boy hips look okay but then ballet doesn’t lie 😭

i can try to pose so my stupid boy hips look okay but then ballet doesn’t lie 😭

bad news for my new all-natural pest control startup, shelob

haha my bpd is linked to the highest suicide risk in general, but moreso in younger years, whereas my avpd and ocpd are specifically linked to the highest risk of suicide in old age, is this what they mean when they say someone is a triple threat? anyways. i get it. i’ll keep working on myself.

haha so weird i have basically no idea what is going on in my parents’ and sister’s lives now, and vice versa

#LaTeX #TeX #typography

when the recipe says to lightly oil the grill but then it asks for a happy ending

from now on, i think we all deserve the sunday scarries instead

hey the jerk store called and— umm maybe i need to explain why it is they have my number

okay, excuse the niche bitching here, but… so much grounding and relaxation and so forth involves breath — deep slow breaths, counting to some numbers on the in and on the out breath, loosening your lips with a noisy breath out etc and each of these can sometimes be a specific trigger for me 😭😭😭

trying to move away from “i accept i had a setback, i _am_ trying my best” and also include “it’s not the end of the world if i don’t try my best, i can make a middling effort and fail, or sometimes just screw up, and it doesn’t mean i am unforgivably evil”

my comfort track from twenty years ago, for when i’m quietly sad and looking for catharsis

did an outwardly subtle but internally Big Deal opposite action for my sense of bodily autonomy 💪🥰

oh dear, at one point in ballet conditioning class the instructor asked me “are you feeling fragile?” just from the expressions i had been making (now that i think about it, at one point my boy hips simply would not allow the stretch we were trying, and i did feel tears forming; yeah, i’m fragile)

I know Indigenous people in Canada who are scared to go to hospitals because anti-Indigenous racism is all too common in healthcare.

i meet my old therapist again this coming week, maybe for the second last time? (it feels we are almost done, but i don’t think this session will be enough to talk through future dance-related boundaries) hmm. a lot to process still

les misérables? oh you mean buns of steal

people have been shockingly negligent in inviting me to salons, balls, soirées, even just visiting hours for tea and sparkling conversation while i subtly showcase my décolletage

falling again into complicated mindgames with myself that at their heart are just that core belief people will only find any value in connecting to me if i achieve, impress, delight

this could be the sign you have been waiting for to GO WASH YOUR MAKEUP BRUSHES

i suppose looking at my likely genetics my days if going out braless are numbered, so may as well take advantage now

if our communication — written, aural, visual — weren’t massively redundant and jam-packed with strong correlations, it would be useless in its fragility to errors intelligence is arguably what is left when you sift away the expected redundancy and find an intentional, reasoned, new construction

tired: dissociation 🫥 wired: bissociation 🤩

ughhhh i both need to get back to facial electrolysis since the remaining hair is driving me crazy, but also want my skin to heal a bit more if it can, and the expense and pain and inconvenience of it all just is also ughhhhhh

yeah i’m into workplay baby