825 HIGHLY TRAINED SNIPERS ARMED WITH LASER-GUIDED ROCKETS! 400 HEAVILY ARMED CRIMSON GUARD WITH GENETICALLY ENGINEERES PITBULSS! ROBOTIC DEATHTRAPS TRIGGERED BY A FEATHER’S TOUCH! DREADNOKS WITH CHAINSAWS ON COCAINE! AND *STILL* I GOT COAL IN MY STOCKING! NEXT YEAR, SANTA! NEEEEXT YEEEEEAAAAR!

WE REMIND LAST MINUTE XMAS SHOPPERS THAT COBOBRAS, THE HIP NEW ALTERNATIVE TO LABUBUS, ARE A PERFECT STOCKING STUFFER AND NOT AT ALL INTENDED TO MUTATE TO SEVEN FOOT TALL RAMPAGING CYBER-YETIS AT THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT! BUY TWO & SHARE WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS!

LOOK, I DON’T ALWAYS HAVE TIME TO DO THE 20 LATCHES ON THE BACK OF THIS DAMN MIRROR BALL.

ALL GIFT EXCHANGE PARTIES ARE HEREBY BANNED AT COBRA FACILITIES! I DID NOT FORM THE DEADLIEST INDEPENDENT MILITARY ON EARTH JUST TO HAVE DESTRO STEAL MY LA CREUSET RAMKINS AND LEAVE ME WITH A GIFT CERTIFICATE THE BARONESS BROUGHT FOR SOME PLACE CALLED “BAD DRAGON”!

BEFORE ANYONE ASKS, YES, WE HAVE PAID HOLIDAY LEAVE. NO, THAT DOES NOT INCLUDE THE BATs. GET BACK TO WORK, CLANKERS!

WAR? OVER OIL? WHAT ABSOLUTE AMATEUR HOUR! IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO WAR OVER GETTING TO CARVE YOUR FACE INTO THE MOON, THEN WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT!?

COBRA HAS NO ISSUE WITH TRANS PEOPLE! FRANKLY WE NEED ALL THE RECRUITS WE CAN GET. WE LOST HALF A BATTALION TO A SAILOR & HIS WISE-ASS TALKING BIRD ALONE. ENLIST TODAY!

IF ANY CRIMSON GUARD ARE NEAR SECTOR 1, AID YOUR COMMANDER! I WENT OUT TO GET THE PAPER AND THE DOOR SNAPPED SHUT BEHIND ME! AND TO WHOEVER THREW THOSE SNOWBALLS FROM THE BATTLEMENTS WHEN I SHOUTED FOR HELP, I *WILL* BE REVIEWING SECURITY FOOTAGE!

THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS HAS BEGUN! EVEN NOW, OUR INFLATABLE SNOWMAN ASSASSIN BOTS HAVE BEEN THE SIGNAL TO WREAK HAVOC ON MAJOR CITIES UNTIL ONE BILLION EUROS ARE TRANSFERRED TO- WHAT DO YOU *MEAN* THEY’RE “JUST POPPING THEM”?! FOOLSSS!!!