I’M STARTING TO CONSIDER THAT HIRING A NOTORIOUS SEX PEST TO DIRECT “BARONESS: A NEW FILM” MAY HAVE BEEN A MISUSE OF OUR PROPAGANDA BUDGET.

REASONS COBRA IS PREFERABLE TO YOUR CURRENT GOVERNMENT: - WE DO NOT TEAR GAS RIOTERS. WE SIMPLY TOSS YOU IN THE BATTLE ARENA. - EVERYBODY GETS THE SAME HEALTHCARE PLAN: FIGHTING IN THE BATTLE ARENA FOR WHO GETS TREATED. - OUR SECRET ISLANDS CONTAIN ONLY ANCIENT TEMPLES & BATTLE ARENAS.

I CAN’T SAY IF THIS IS TRUE OR NOT, BUT I HAVE NOTICED HIM COMING TO WORK WITH A DISTURBING AMOUNT OF GLOWSTICKS AROUND HIS NECK AFTER A HOLIDAY WEEKEND MORE THAN ONCE. AND SOMEONE NAMED “BIG TIMMY” STILL CALLS COBRA ISLAND LOOKING FOR SOMEONE NAMED “DR. YUM-YUM.”

WE TRIED GETTING THE BARONESS TO EXPLAIN TO THE TROOPS WHY THEIR MEDICAL BENEFITS WERE GETTING CUT WHILE SHE WAS DRESSED IN A BIKINI TO SOFTEN THE BLOW, BUT SHE REFUSED. IT DIDN’T GO OVER MUCH BETTER WHEN WE MADE DR. MINDBENDER WEAR IT INSTEAD.

CONTRARY TO RUMORS, COBRA WILL NOT BE EMPLOYING BOVINO NOW THAT HE IS A FREE AGENT. IF I WANTED A SHORT, INEFFECTIVE, EGO-MANIACAL CREEP IN CHARGE OF A BUNCH OF BLOOD-THIRSTY THUGS, I’D THROW MONEY AT ZARTAN & THE DREADNOKS!

HOW IS AN OVERLORD SUPPOSED TO ENACT INSANE ACTS OF INTIMIDATION WITH THIS ORANGE MORON PHONING IT IN AND RUINING IT FOR THE REST OF US? “OO, I’M GOING TO START A WAR WITH EUROPE!” YOU AND EVERY IDIOT SINCE NAPOLEON! BUY A GIANT LASER AND DEFACE THE MOON, YOU UNORIGINAL HACK!

GREENLAND? GREENLAND?! WHO TAUGHT THIS MAN HOW TO BE A DICTATOR?! IF YOU’RE GOING TO CONQUER SOMEWHERE, MAKE SURE IT’S SOMEWHERE THAT SEALS DON’T OUTNUMBER THE CITIZENS FIVE-TO-ONE, YOU ORANGE BOOB!

PEOPLE KEEP ASKING IF COBRA PLANS TO PIVOT TO AI AND I KEEP INFORMING THEM TO PIVOT ON THE BUSINESS END OF A LASER CANON.

THAT’S NOT FIREWORKS, YOU IMBECILES! SOMEONE LEFT THEIR CIGARETTE IN THE MUNITIONS ROOM! TAKE COVER!

YOUR COMMANDER DOESN’T CONCERN HIMSELF WITH ANYTHING SO PEDESTRIAN AS NEW YEARS “RESOLUTIONS.” THAT BEING SAID, MAYBE THIS WILL BE THE YEAR I FINALLY MANAGE TO GET THE DREADNOKS HOUSEBROKEN.

WHY DOES TIME BETWEEN CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR’S FEEL ODDLY LIMINAL AND UNSETTLING? BECAUSE OF THE TEMPORAL RESONANCE EMITTERS WE DEPLOYED IN ALL OF YOUR XMAS GIFT CARDS! DELIVER $10 BILLION TO COBRA IF YOU EVER WANT TIME TO RETURN TO NORMAL AND NOT FEEL LIKE THE THIRD ACT OF A WES ANDERSON FILM!

825 HIGHLY TRAINED SNIPERS ARMED WITH LASER-GUIDED ROCKETS! 400 HEAVILY ARMED CRIMSON GUARD WITH GENETICALLY ENGINEERES PITBULSS! ROBOTIC DEATHTRAPS TRIGGERED BY A FEATHER’S TOUCH! DREADNOKS WITH CHAINSAWS ON COCAINE! AND *STILL* I GOT COAL IN MY STOCKING! NEXT YEAR, SANTA! NEEEEXT YEEEEEAAAAR!

WE REMIND LAST MINUTE XMAS SHOPPERS THAT COBOBRAS, THE HIP NEW ALTERNATIVE TO LABUBUS, ARE A PERFECT STOCKING STUFFER AND NOT AT ALL INTENDED TO MUTATE TO SEVEN FOOT TALL RAMPAGING CYBER-YETIS AT THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT! BUY TWO & SHARE WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS!

LOOK, I DON’T ALWAYS HAVE TIME TO DO THE 20 LATCHES ON THE BACK OF THIS DAMN MIRROR BALL.

ALL GIFT EXCHANGE PARTIES ARE HEREBY BANNED AT COBRA FACILITIES! I DID NOT FORM THE DEADLIEST INDEPENDENT MILITARY ON EARTH JUST TO HAVE DESTRO STEAL MY LA CREUSET RAMKINS AND LEAVE ME WITH A GIFT CERTIFICATE THE BARONESS BROUGHT FOR SOME PLACE CALLED “BAD DRAGON”!

BEFORE ANYONE ASKS, YES, WE HAVE PAID HOLIDAY LEAVE. NO, THAT DOES NOT INCLUDE THE BATs. GET BACK TO WORK, CLANKERS!

WAR? OVER OIL? WHAT ABSOLUTE AMATEUR HOUR! IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO WAR OVER GETTING TO CARVE YOUR FACE INTO THE MOON, THEN WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT!?

COBRA HAS NO ISSUE WITH TRANS PEOPLE! FRANKLY WE NEED ALL THE RECRUITS WE CAN GET. WE LOST HALF A BATTALION TO A SAILOR & HIS WISE-ASS TALKING BIRD ALONE. ENLIST TODAY!

IF ANY CRIMSON GUARD ARE NEAR SECTOR 1, AID YOUR COMMANDER! I WENT OUT TO GET THE PAPER AND THE DOOR SNAPPED SHUT BEHIND ME! AND TO WHOEVER THREW THOSE SNOWBALLS FROM THE BATTLEMENTS WHEN I SHOUTED FOR HELP, I *WILL* BE REVIEWING SECURITY FOOTAGE!

THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS HAS BEGUN! EVEN NOW, OUR INFLATABLE SNOWMAN ASSASSIN BOTS HAVE BEEN THE SIGNAL TO WREAK HAVOC ON MAJOR CITIES UNTIL ONE BILLION EUROS ARE TRANSFERRED TO- WHAT DO YOU *MEAN* THEY’RE “JUST POPPING THEM”?! FOOLSSS!!!