My cat knows racial slurs from the future, derogatory terms for cultures that have yet to form

Moving in with my gf has been great! Turns out I have “soothed by constant harsh noises” autism and she has “silence or I will be forced to cry” autism

Can you believe this weather

Clavicular brutally drugmogged

Heavens to Betsy Betsy to Heavens Heavens BACK to Betsy Betsy GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

Empty Chairs at Empty Tables except it’s me, age 33, firing up Rock Band alone in the basement

Can’t explain clearly but I kinda feel like a Superman logo tattoo usually represents a gaping character flaw

What the fuck is Pibb Xtra

FUCK U of M for life but I DID pick them in my bracket pool and AM therefore about $180 richer and MAD about it

Eczema is a beautiful name for a girl

A little refreshing to get signals that Meta has no idea who I am

Editing a 40 slide PowerPoint like I’m not in hell I’m not in hell I’m not in hell

God damnit he’s mogging right behind me isn’t he

Does anyone remember the dril tweet about crashing the van and ruining his new jeans because his large idiot sons were hollering in the backseat? I can’t find it and it feels like I dreamt it

Every morning I wake up for work, fling my laptop open, and say “hello Mr. Swine, here are my finest pearls”

We have zonkeys and ligers and yet they refuse to make a bird that lays baby bels instead of eggs

Starting a yt channel with DIY medical hacks like “ultrasounds with a candle and a jar of peanut butter”, “3 minute finger amputation for better mood balance” etc. get rich, do some bits, never get prosecuted

Will they still say I’m fergalicious when I’m dead

TFW you meet your girl’s ex and he’s literally the boogie woogie bugle boy from company B 🤦‍♂️

Jane GooDolls

Going to the Pistons game tonight and taking recommendations for what to yell at Cade (must be encouraging)

Make chess a CarPlay app or I swear to christ I’ll run this car off the road anyway

Hell is other peehole

I’m still not over the fact that they only Simpsonized like 4 people then shut the site down

The Polo family is about to get more than they bargained for.. tonight on TRADING SPICES

Would love to hear Cher’s Mr. Ed impression

Everyone on MySpace has been pretty quiet on topics like Palestine, the Epstein files, etc. just saying

Boba Fett implies the existence of Kiki Fett

Whaddya want me to say? That I don’t have a big ol ass? A big honkin’ ass? A big ol ass that honks

We need to be putting regular people and even ugly people back in the movies

Shower thought: if “the customer is always right” is gonna hold anywhere near true, we need to qualify what a customer is. A person is not automatically a customer. Walking into a place of business is not enough. People need training! Empathy screenings! Clearance levels!

In the spirit of classical conditioning, I’m crowdfunding a mechanism that leaves a little cocaine in my bathroom every time I do a chore, like cleaning the cocaine plate

We kan daunse yf if plese us We kan leave thy friendes behinde For thy friendes daunse not and yif thei daunse not Then no friendes thei are of myne Ich saye, we kan wende wher it plese us, A place thei shal nevir fynde And we can act lyke we come from Brocéliande Leave the real worlde far behinde

The zoomies hit like a sledgehammer and god told me to make my new portfolio look like the UI from Metal Gear Solid 2 except orange

Ate vegetables and ran today so naturally, 10pm zoomies

Back on the menu: French New Wave where the director is being a little stinker

Clone Dino de Laurentiis so bad movies can be good again

(Changes the toilet paper roll all cool and fast as fuck like John Wick)

Sorry if TMI but this is my void for yelling: switching to a hearty bean-heavy chili for every lunch/dinner will fix your whole life

5 or so years ago we didn’t think this guy could look any dumber

Anyone have particularly intense sensory memories triggered by media combos? Sometimes they’re like those Jelly Belly recipes

Let’s fucking go Pistons, this team is actually turning me into a basketball fan

Say what you want about D&D, but we just fed a bucket of boner pills to a giant tentacle monster and it’s paralyzed

A migraine like you’re Cameron Winter’s vocal mic

The Bog Lebowski

When I explain to my future children that they’re autistic (inevitable), I’m gonna make sure to flavor it with how we’re not truly accepted by the public and we should be wary of them, too. Like a principled vampire family with a Lego city in the basement

Every time I watch a classic 20th century European film, the auteur’s core message is “boy, ain’t I a little stinker”

In sports news today, Magnus Carlsen defended his title as speed chess champion

Moltbook is STILL performative, algorithmic imitation of human communication that STILL means nothing