Sufjan’s mom was really onto something when she ditched that little whiner at that video store

Me as hell when they finally announce triangle minecraft

Just got off the phone with Sen. McConnell, we talked for about 20 minutes but didn’t cover much because he’s working on his Fozzie Bear impression

I’m MORE American because I’m boofing hot dogs at the OFFICE so I can do work and maintain company PROPERTY VALUE. also I lost my dick/balls in fallujah

What about uhhh like super disorganized religion

Poop in every Disney World park ✅

Sean Monkey

Spider-Manilow

Aesthetic idea: Tex-Mech

My heart goes out to the other 3 Wembys up on their cartoon UFO watching this unfold on their Jetsons tv

Mamdani voice: You guys made a helluva mess last night- so we’re paying you to help us clean up! Text 78787 to join our clean sweep team for $20/hr, and we’ll give this city the clean sweep we almost gave the Spurs

RIP to the man who permanently inspired 6 year old me with sci-fi art

Holy shit I know what the three seashells do

I still wish it was the Pistons but dayum

In the Amazon they have grinches that get up to 40’ long

Recently back from Boston and the Midwest needs to start importing some people who drive fast and are capable of witty small talk

My phone just tried to autocorrect “wojak” to “woman” so I’m doing something right

They need another Halloween for early summer

In front of each door is a set of hips. One set of hips never tells the truth, and the other hips don’t lie

Nothing against Catholics I just think being addicted to catheters is too kinky for me personally!

Hey Google AI why would I ask YOU the only four questions that I am prepared to answer at a post-doctorate level out of a dead sleep

If anyone needs me I’ll be here, peaking in high school

Ozempic for beard acne

Me to mouth of gift horse: 🫪🫪🫪🫪

Maybe the liberals really should outlaw comedy, that could prevent all these hacky dorks from trying it

Thank GOD I just found out Tobias Harris is one day older than me so he’s still unc

I’m only a size 6 in planet fitness equipment

TMZ chasing politicians and billionaires instead of regular celebs feels a little like the screams -> laughter change from Monsters, Inc

It’s like we’re standing in an orchard and leadership of all kinds just keeps saying “unfortunately only ‘apples’ can solve this problem”

When are we going to collectively decide “doing it myself” is better AND faster than “arguing with a chatbot idiot for 3 hours about it”

Classic

It’s 2026, is a towel really the best drying technology we have? Why don’t I step out of my shower into another compartment for drying

Bert and Ernie should have their own show. I don't want to have to watch Sesame Street to see what they're up to. I'm not 5

28th Amendment: I get to fall asleep on the couch watching VH1’s I Love the 80s

Getting skinny with my Irish friend, Tryan O’Zempic

Midwest car culture is me pulling into a grocery store parking lot and seeing the perfect guy to call Jeffrey Methstein but I can’t because both our windows are up

Just blinked and saw the Paul Frank sock monkey behind my eyelids. First time I’ve seen it in 20 years. I’ve never remembered anything that long without a grudge attached

Sorry you have to learn it from me but if The Grateful Dead were any good at writing songs they’d be The Band. Again, sorry

Sephiroth except one of the wings is a buzz lightyear wing

Form over function has never happened and here’s proof: I want a baseball mitt shaped toilet

My cat knows racial slurs from the future, derogatory terms for cultures that have yet to form

Moving in with my gf has been great! Turns out I have “soothed by constant harsh noises” autism and she has “silence or I will be forced to cry” autism

Can you believe this weather

Clavicular brutally drugmogged

Heavens to Betsy Betsy to Heavens Heavens BACK to Betsy Betsy GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

Empty Chairs at Empty Tables except it’s me, age 33, firing up Rock Band alone in the basement

Can’t explain clearly but I kinda feel like a Superman logo tattoo usually represents a gaping character flaw

What the fuck is Pibb Xtra

FUCK U of M for life but I DID pick them in my bracket pool and AM therefore about $180 richer and MAD about it

Eczema is a beautiful name for a girl