Don't show up in tucson and text me that you're in town because I'll have to drop everything and hang out with you and YOU KNOW I WILL COME HERE AND LET ME LOVE YOU. And use you as an excuse to not do my homework lol

Those boys who play gather the magicking are so hard to talk to. Like, bro I'm an extrovert, engage in small talk with me.

So Lana Del Rey got popular while I was on my mission, so I kinda missed the Lana train. But I'm listening to Born to Die now. And this album is brilliant. Only problem is her voice is not that great... But bro the references to Lolita are so fun. Lolita is my favorite book.

Listening to Sacred Harp LOUD. Bro my bones are shaking this music is so powerful and haunting

I listen to Bright Eyes and relate so hard and start crying then I'm like, why am I so basic and predictable.

We thought we had hit rock bottom with Bush. That was naive. Which shows that we might not have hit rock bottom with Trump either.

That moment when you're leaving the hospital morgue and you say to the nice old security guard: "I'll catch you next time" And he responds "ha! One can only hope" That's not what I meant sir.

Are we gonna make bandages out of polyester this time? #ww2

I'm not trans, but when I see a grindr profile that reads "no trans" I get the ick and block them.

Watching sports is crazy because I'm watching all these super buff athletes do incredibly hard things and I'm sitting in the stands dipping some popcorn in nacho cheese.

Bro i got novocaine in my mouth, and can't feel anything. Imagine my bowjobs skills right now

I know it's kinda lower on the priority list, but one reason war is bad is because it accelerates climate change. Like, those bombs and the planes carrying the bombs... so many greenhouse gasses

I don't need alcohol because I get my kicks out of throwing myself into financial ruin every day

The large print giveth and the small print taketh away

What if I just walked out to the desert and didn't come back lol

I went to the white sands in New Mexico and took a nudie lol

I've got a big ol' booty

Taking fully nude thirst traps in a public restroom lol always fun. Hopefully nobody else needed to use the bathroom

Bro, the gym is a horny place for horny people

I love super effeminate gay men so much 😍😍😍 they're so hot

Okay I know nobody else can see it but today I saw the tiiiiiniest hint of a bicep coming in. Oh I'm so excited lol

Sometimes my butt makes me laugh lol

Making eye contact with the waiter as I tuck some of the silverware into my backpack 😐

Pillion is a fantasy. Not real life

This guy gets it.

I can't watch sports because I spend the whole time looking up the athletes on Instagram and looking at shirtless pics

Y'all don't even know how much I hate Bill Clinton

Hate it when I'm trying to jerk it in the mall parking lot and a mall security guard drives up right next to me

Being approachable

I haven't done booty day at the gym in a week and I feel like I'm back to square one. Curse you maintenance phase

I'm on the stair stepper, in front of me is a cute gym bro taking selfies in the mirror. I 100% saw him fluff his dick a little bit for these selfies lol love it

This bottle of wine fits real nice in my cup holder

Oh no. The dental hygienist is a super cute gay boy 🫠🫠

So. The Bible is a collection of books. Not a single book.

"The coffin, earth, and winding sheet will soon your active limbs enclose." -the sacred harp

Question about working out the arms on push day and pull day. Do you work out the triceps on push day, and the biceps on pull day? Also what about the shoulders/delts. Like, are lateral raises a push or a pull exercise it's like, not easy to definitively say.

I'm at the gym at 5 am. 5 days this week. Bro this has gotta be some kind of record.

So all those crunchy sounds in my shoulders and knees are normal yeah?

We’ve reached our final destination: Jeffrey Epstein did 9/11

Gravity and old age will not be kind to my winning smile

It’s odd that there are two people formerly known as Prince.

I went to a hookup's house and walked into a cactus in his front yard. He had to pull a few spines out of my shoulder.

Homeless dude was eating reddi-whip straight out of the can. Lol that's pretty cool

Okay, frustrating thing, is that ME who smells like weed? Or is it just the smell of Tucson

A guy just told me I gave him the best handjob he's ever had. I know it was probably hyperbole because he was caught up in the moment, but still, pretty proud of that one lol

A prominent Bluesky elder already hosts Jeopardy

Is that wet spot on your crotch pee or precum

Buying a backpack is so nerve-wracking. Like. This is the thing that's gonna be attached to me for miles and miles. And then the nerves of the hike compound on that lol. Like. Do I really wanna do this??

They're passing out comp tickets and like, I have nobody who wants to come to the opera I'm performing in 😢 Sorry for the pity-party. Just feeling lonely

I actually played with one ear plug in but bro that is so hard. I don't like ear plugs already