Once I become a completely different person with no flaws, it’s over for you hoes

My husband didn’t get this bit until I showed him Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron a couple of weeks ago and told him that James Baxter animated Spirit. The “joke” is that James Baxter is flexing on these hoes (and that that’s James Baxter doing the voice for the character too)

Me: “I heard Frank Ferdinand in a car that was driving by and it really took me back” Person: “Like the band?” Me: “No, the Archduke of Austria. I’m going to start World War I again”

My Star Wars-poisoned brain keeps putting this hypothetical scenario in the “Darth Plagueis the Wise” scene in Revenge of the Sith: Me: “Have you heard of Darth Ea-Nasir the Merchant?” My therapist: “No” Me: “I thought not. It’s not a story the psychology textbooks would tell you”

My kids are 16, 14, and 2 — all 3 are prime “ungrateful little bastard” ages lol. But no child asks to be born, so before you become a parent, you need to reconcile with your motivations for it. If you only want a “mini me,” or feel peer pressured to have kids, that bleeds into your parenting

Or the “rate our app!” push notification comes through at a time that skews the data. “How are you enjoying DoorDash?” I’m not enjoying the UX of DoorDash right now because I’m hungry and ornery, fuck off

I knew I was a type B mom when I didn’t want to go to the store to get milk, so I ordered my daughter a Happy Meal through DoorDash and saved the milk that came with it for later

I answered Buffalo Rock in the replies but I’m racking my brain over what Georgia’s could be. And I feel like anyone who says the Beverly is outing themselves as a tourist cause only tourists go to the World of Coke lol

Sesame Street on Netflix watching Netflix buy its old home, Warner Bros./Discovery

I took another personality quiz for work and it’s like, it would violate the ADA, but it’d probably be more useful for y’all to know my particular blend of neurodivergence than any Myers-Briggs, enneagram etc. Like, ADHD sun, anxiety moon, autism rising

My mom taught 7th grade biology. One time she was teaching reproduction and a kid said “My momma said I came from God.” Both a biologically and theologically problematic answer 😂 But yeah, he didn’t get the question right because that’s not the right answer, you dink. Come on, now

"I say we take off and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."

This Is Just To Say I have redeemed the coupon for the free Baja Blast and which you were probably saving from your birthday Forgive me it was delicious so sweet and so cold Live más

Talking to your friends is fun while talking to bills or scammers is not. What’s the mystery here, exactly

I bought those Goli gummies off TikTok shop, and the amount of them you have to take in a day reminds me of this 30 Rock joke

I would not admit something like this on Al Gore’s internet

The only woman you should call “Piggy” is Miss Piggy, and even then you might get rewarded with a karate kick for your trouble

Atlanta slop:

This . . . this is the male loneliness epidemic I keep hearing so much about

The canary in the coal mine was Greta Thunberg. When she first came onto the scene, people were like, “She’s 16? She looks like a child!” Sixteen IS a child no matter what they look like, my dudes

Fun thought experiment: what mean name would an ornithologist give you? I think I’d be the “flat-chested white whiner”

Sometimes I wish I was more conservative. I don’t mean ideologically because ew, I just mean I wish I had so few problems in my life that I could devote the energy to get upset about things like gender-neutral bathrooms

Raising two teenagers and a toddler at the same time is not for the faint of heart. And I am very faint-hearted, get these gremlins away from me

Fantastic. Change the carving on Stone Mountain to the Stankonia album cover next!

I think if you want a Frankenstein story that passes the Bechdel test, you get Poor Things

Turning my daughter into a horse girl let’s fucking gooooooo

The way I thought Dick Cheney was already . . .

"Would CHICKEN FINGERS be an indoor-only or indoor-outdoor cat? If indoor-only, are you willing to cater every room in your home to CHICKEN FINGERS’ specific needs? If indoor-outdoor, go to hell."

I'm glad we can all agree that Zohran Mamdani is terrible for America, just like Miss Rachel and *glances at the list that came with the check* Superman

Fun fact that’s not fun at all: during recessions and depressions, human consumption of cat and dog food spikes

If there’s one thing about women, we sure do hate imagining futuristic worlds where there is more gender parity and female characters are complex and nuanced. It’s not shopping or cooking dinner for your husband, so what could we possibly want with it

You know, you watch the Peter Sellers “Pink Panther” movies, and his Inspector Clouseau seems like the kind of unkind caricature that the British seem fond of doing of the French . . . and then you see something like this, from real life

What my cats think I feed them every night:

When I was growing up, my dad insisted we only had PBS because the cable channels were too expensive. Other kids would talk about Disney Channel, anime, Cartoon Network, and Nickelodeon and I would be like “okay, moneybags.” We got cable in 2000, but most 90’s content was already off the air by then

Swifties: “But what Taylor lacks in vocal range, she more than makes up for in her songwriting ability” One of the rhyme schemes on “The Life of A Showgirl:” Kitty/pretty/witty/city/legitly

I made a TikTok edit of this video lol

That blond woman walking at him like Michael Myers while he was scampering away was already such a vibe And then the camera turned around to show the whole class chasing him out??

Ah, yes, the time of year when I take my dog out to potty and get totally clotheslined by a new joro web that wasn’t there a couple of hours ago

The staying power of 30 Rock lies in its understanding of the concept that, no matter how stupid you think the state of television is right now, it can always get more stupid

What if we said guns cause autism. Have we tried that

Does the government forgive your student loans if you get raptured?

Apropos of nothing, one of my favorite silly subplots on 30 Rock is the “rule of threes” tangent: Tracy: “You look clean, are you a celebrity?” Jimmy Fallon: “I have my own show on NBC” Tracy: “No, a *celebrity*”

I learned of Robert Redford’s passing from all the memes people are writing about “people getting fired for insufficiently mourning him.” But, as the great piece of Tumblr wisdom puts it, if you go to the circus for your news, you don’t get to be mad when a clown delivers it to you

Not to bring another social media’s parlance into this, but like to charge, repost to cast

Everyone memorializing Charlie Kirk by saying he was killed “for his views” without saying what those views were reminds me of this iconic tweet:

I know as a social media manager, you have set times where you send out the marketing push notification regardless of what’s happening in the news, but sometimes it creates unintentional humor. What are you implying here, Taco Bell? 🤔

Things you say when you definitely know what the Reichstag Fire was:

New name to put my Chipotle order under just dropped

If it’s not Stanley Tucci, we riot