Tonight’s dumb napkin cartoon…

I’m considering making a design for my Redbubble shop and help, these are all bangers

Oh so when a dog wears a vest that says “please don’t pet me, I have anxiety,” it’s fine, but when *I* wear one, it’s all “they make those for people?” and “where can I get my own?”

The way my husband and I started saying “six seven!” to inoculate our household against my niece and nephew saying it 😂

The funniest thing about Kid Rock and his song “Daddy Cool” is, yes it’s in Osmosis Jones, but Kid Rock’s germ avatar in the movie is a disease that lives in a pimple. Most true-to-life depiction of Kid Rock

Thank goodness this tchotchke clarifies that you’re a full-time pasta lover because we were really looking for someone to cover evening and weekend shifts of pasta loving

I apologize for yesterday’s snark. The Target-exclusive bonus content is obviously a sneak peek of the sequel, “2 Wuthering 2 Heights”

Watching Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and, if I had a nickel for every sequel movie starring Harrison Ford where it’s a plot point that someone gets lowered into a steamy pit of fire, I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird it’s happened twice

I know the bonus content is probably movie-related, but having “Target-exclusive bonus content” for a 179-year-old novel is kinda nuts. What, did y’all unearth a transcript from a podcast interview Emily Brontë did?

Okay now that I know these exist, I need Netflix to flex those IPs and give me the KPop Demon Hunters/Bridgerton crossover that no one except me is asking for

Anything Elon Musk says about the Epstein files is giving “girl . . . what were YOU doing at the devil’s sacrament”

“Fork Sues Kitchen It Was Found In”

I keep Facebook around to see the stupid political opinions of people I went to high school with. “Alex Pretti kicked a cop car’s tail light,” so did you when you were 16 and drunk, Jared. Like . . . what are we doing here

State Rep. David Clark wants to rename Sawnee Mountain in Georgia to Trump Mountain. How nice of him to open a free gender-neutral public restroom

The ONLY fun thing about going viral is that I learned my loved ones’ browsing habits. Some geeky cousins told me I was on the front page of Reddit, then a couple of weeks later my cool cousins told me I was viral on Instagram, and then a few months later my aunts told me I was viral on Facebook

My generic Adderall prescription went up by $12 since last year. Please keep my family in your thoughts as we navigate how I’m going to be $12 more productive every month

Being pressured by Ben Shapiro is such a skill issue

Books won’t turn your kids gay or trans. Books will turn your kids into something far worse: English majors

What, exactly, is the endgame for people who want to get rid of immigrants and reinstate tradwives? Hotdogs in Jello can’t be THAT delicious

Watching Showgirls because Kyle MacLachlan and Las Vegas worked so well together the first time

“One Battle After Another” also describes putting the toddler down for a nap so we can watch the movie, zing

I’ve been in a stable relationship since college, so all my “I can fix him” energy goes to, like, Labrador Retriever mixes

My daughter now likes to play with my Breyer Spirit and Rain horses, and she calls Spirit “Daddy Horse.” All right, which one of you showed her deviantART?

I can’t believe I used to [redacted to maintain employment] in my 20’s. I had one glass of eggnog tonight with a splash of brown liquor and I’m going to be feeling it for the next 3 to 5 business days

Etsy stores with stolen or AI-generated merch that says “protect the dolls” and “read banned books” but also “Soldier of Christ” and “Raise Hell, Protect Dale:”

The US suddenly pretending like it’s always been against brutal South American authoritarian dictators is . . . a little bit funny “Is this one of ours we put in place to ‘stop communism?’” “No” “Oh, well, fuck him, then—“

Today I broke my 6-year streak of having “This Year” by The Mountain Goats be the first song I listen to on Spotify in the new year, replaced with “Soda Pop” by the Saja Boys for my daughter. So sorry if the vibes are off, it’s my fault

Outlook for the new year ...

I’m sorry, I’m going to offend everyone with this, but, as a member of the queer community, I say this with love . . . Will Byers making everyone stop so he can be gay is easily the most realistic part of that episode. More like “DON’T move, I’m gay,” am I right?

*guy gesturing at butterfly meme* Is this Heated Rivalry?

I forget that people are intimidated by my dog because he’s 60 pounds. I wish there was a way to convey to people that he’s too dumb to harm anyone. Maybe a vest that says “I’m Friendly and Stupid” . . . and maybe I should get that vest for myself too

I am so thankful for my husband because I couldn’t go out on the dating scene again. You’d catch me slow-blinking at the people I like

Drove by a Costco with an ambulance and a fire truck with their lights on outside the front doors. The Panic! At the Disco of your 20’s becomes the Emergency! At the Costco of your 30’s

I love when my local library tells me how much money I saved by using them when I check out a book. I use libraries to “test drive” books I might want to buy—it’s not so much “saving money” as it is “delaying the inevitable”

It’s been months and I’m still haunted by Erika Kirk’s “Daddy’s with Jesus to pay for your blueberries” comment. *Regina George voice* “So you agree? Groceries are needlessly expensive?”

Once I become a completely different person with no flaws, it’s over for you hoes

My husband didn’t get this bit until I showed him Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron a couple of weeks ago and told him that James Baxter animated Spirit. The “joke” is that James Baxter is flexing on these hoes (and that that’s James Baxter doing the voice for the character too)

Me: “I heard Frank Ferdinand in a car that was driving by and it really took me back” Person: “Like the band?” Me: “No, the Archduke of Austria. I’m going to start World War I again”

My Star Wars-poisoned brain keeps putting this hypothetical scenario in the “Darth Plagueis the Wise” scene in Revenge of the Sith: Me: “Have you heard of Darth Ea-Nasir the Merchant?” My therapist: “No” Me: “I thought not. It’s not a story the psychology textbooks would tell you”

My kids are 16, 14, and 2 — all 3 are prime “ungrateful little bastard” ages lol. But no child asks to be born, so before you become a parent, you need to reconcile with your motivations for it. If you only want a “mini me,” or feel peer pressured to have kids, that bleeds into your parenting

Or the “rate our app!” push notification comes through at a time that skews the data. “How are you enjoying DoorDash?” I’m not enjoying the UX of DoorDash right now because I’m hungry and ornery, fuck off

I knew I was a type B mom when I didn’t want to go to the store to get milk, so I ordered my daughter a Happy Meal through DoorDash and saved the milk that came with it for later

I answered Buffalo Rock in the replies but I’m racking my brain over what Georgia’s could be. And I feel like anyone who says the Beverly is outing themselves as a tourist cause only tourists go to the World of Coke lol

Sesame Street on Netflix watching Netflix buy its old home, Warner Bros./Discovery

I took another personality quiz for work and it’s like, it would violate the ADA, but it’d probably be more useful for y’all to know my particular blend of neurodivergence than any Myers-Briggs, enneagram etc. Like, ADHD sun, anxiety moon, autism rising

My mom taught 7th grade biology. One time she was teaching reproduction and a kid said “My momma said I came from God.” Both a biologically and theologically problematic answer 😂 But yeah, he didn’t get the question right because that’s not the right answer, you dink. Come on, now

"I say we take off and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."