Posting on X: Pee pee poo poo Posting on Bluesky: Poo poo pee pee

In a world without bread, a nothingburger would be a sumptuous meal

What the fuck am I possibly going to do with a grain of salt. I need more than one

I’m Matt the money guy

Imagine a website

I guess you could call that a dick..

The human body is truly a work of outsider art

Remember when we ran a train on Kramer

Getting mogged by my Menswear son

There will never be a funniest Bluesky post ever

I’m in the market for fresh young chickens

Some URLs should never be shared…

I don’t want to mow the lawn. Instead I’ll compress all the matter in the known universe to a single infinitesimally small point

My costume is your culture

They should make the pilots wait on the security lines

I love the way you draw diapers. They’re just perfect. The poof is the size. The thickness that separates their legs. The Whaley stand out it’s amazing.

I pretty much only date guys that have appeared on or plan to appear on a podcast

Wives… it’s very sweet that you want to show us husbands the new Connor O’Malley. But we’ve already seen it

All you have to do to wake up from this nightmare is stand up and yell “McDonald’s!”

weird al and they might be giants were not good office hours guests

Claude Code can now have sex — for a price

Likes should be public. Or at the very least you should be able to make them public. Bring back the open social graph

I've been testing a new prototype shape of pasta, and I just don't know if the public is ready for this

Why aren't there any microscopic Pokemon. Seems like you need them to keep the ecosystem healthy.

Text from your dad: I jsut watched that new Apple show. Ted Lasseux

Me and the boys are going down to the quarry to chug seed oil

We’re doo doo posting in 2026!

My data center keeps waking up in the middle of the night to get a sip of water

Smocked a big bowl of weed with unc

If you ain’t makin your homies Squirt… you ain’t a homie!!!

Thinking about getting really productive for a couple days

The AI bubble is popping. Stay ahead of the trends by trying AI 2

1955: I have the perfect metaphor to describe this situation 2025: I have the perfect meme to describe this situation 2055: Check out this harmonica I found at the junk yard .

John Fetterman. Fetterman? I hardly -- (phone rings. I pick up. it's the vet. my cat needs a $10,000 surgery) catch ya later...

I kinda hate it on here.

I start showing up at every house in the neighborhood at 4am in the morning saying “it’s your boy!!!” and suddenly I’m the town pariah

Probably going to guzzle a few glizzies before my big team meeting today

Ever since the McDLT nearly sent McDonald’s into bankruptcy, no one else has attempted to market a lettuce and tomato hamburger

All homies report the Homie Reeducation Center. Repeat: all homies report to the Homie Reeducation Center.

They're saying things are going to continue to occur for a good while.

Trying out some new emoji with my coworkers at work

This earth is so damn diatomaceous

Robert Redford. Good actor, never liked his dressings + sauces

It sucks to live here, America, the freest country in the world.

Wacky Chad

Really good one today by @thirdpartyinternet.bsky.social about watching Girls for the first time in 2025, the oppressive wildfire smoke, homelessness, our addiction to our phones, and the inability of art to capture the realism of the present anymore. www.welcometohellworld.com/the-very-mom...

BILLY JOEL: That's the fishing rod in my studio when I wrote the Downeaster Alexa. How did you find it? NARDWUAR: You're Billy Joel! We have to have your fishing rod.

I’m going to go into Manhattan and take pictures tomorrow

Thinking about developing a covid infectin