The Peter Principle: Nashville SC CB Jack Maher has been installed as Supreme Leader of Iran. Maher, the first MLS player to serve as Ayatollah, was selected after captaining his club’s bench to successive victories in the CCC. Nashville will receive $250k GAM spread across this year and next.

Boy, Messi sure carved up that team that just last week *checks notes* got played off the pitch by a gaggle of teenagers

Maxime Crepeau fuckin’ sucks lmao

That’s a dire bench Miami’s got for all the piffle I’ve had to read all winter about the greatest MLS side ever assembled.

Phew! This would have been a good game for Ahmed, actually, where his close control could have maybe found a path through Dallas’s maze. Unfortunately, he came on in the 84th minute. Won’t bitch about a point on the road, especially out West, but BJ got this one wrong. #EveryoneN

This game just got interesting in the wrong way. Deserved second yellow for Corcoran and a learning experience for the youngster. Hopefully, it’s not too costly for the youngster’s team. #EveryoneN

The bench must have the flu, too, and we’re just trying to survive this game. That’s the most reasonable explanation for BJ’s refusal to change whatever this is, right? #EveryoneN

“I think Palacios touches this.” I think they should have two red cards. Give us one. #EveryoneN

This “air balls to Hany Mukhtar” plan is not going to work, even if he is a sneaky-good header of the ball.

Goals Brian Schwake prevented that Joe Willis would have let in counter: 1

Eddi should consider staying onside if he wants to score this year.

Pretty boring half hour so far. Dallas have 8 men behind the ball and are just letting us kick it around. Not much push up front, we miss Sam wreaking havoc and occupying space. #EveryoneN

Love the dude in the crowd getting up and throwing his arms up after Corcoran crunched that guy. Yell at your front office brother, that was clean.

Warren Madrigal dumped Shaq Moore faster than we did.

Whoever this is yapping about how we might not have started Sam anyway needs to be fired at halftime. Uninformed engagement slop is everywhere, folks. Be vigilant! #EveryoneN

One of my first Nashville SC games was against FC Dallas and Sebastien Ibeagha, who I dubbed “LeBron” for their shared Amish beards and Scooby Doo-villain gaits. All these years later, Ibeagha’s still doing it, grey beard and all. Just like LeBron!

Any problems we were going to have with FC Dallas weren’t going to be at Sam’s end anyway. I’m excited for Corcoran to strut his stuff and I expect a slighty-less-comfortable win. #EveryoneN

When James Rodríguez isn’t on the pitch, the other Minnesota players should be asking, “where’s James?”

Shit laymen say: Does it seem to anyone else like Brian Schwake would be dropping absolute dimes if his goal kicks were, say, 5 yards longer? Or am I underestimating the defenders, who would simply go stand there instead?

The Music City Loop is nothing more than an amusement park ride that we’re paying for.

Wilder Cartagena is like MLS’s version of the trolley problem. Would you rather he pop a tendon, or would you rather he be healthy and pop the tendons of 6 or 7 other guys?

I dunno who at the USMNT needs to hear this, but BJ Callaghan can’t beat France with Josh Sargent and Yunus Musah either.

I’ll take two to go, hold the cookie! 🥁

Watching DAL-TOR. Walker Zimmerman has this haircut, too.

Was really, really impressed with the game this kid had. Not the stiffest opposition, of course, but he was unbeatable in the air and composed on the ball and asking for anything more from a CB would be greedy.

That’s a wrap! Innocent thanks God he didn’t give up 6 and everyone slaps 5, much as we slapped 5 on the scoreboard. It’s gonna be real pink in here real soon, and I think we have a nasty surprise for them. #EveryoneN

LET’S GOOOOO My reverse jinx works to perfection as Shak makes back to back big plays and Ahmed dribbles the keeper for #5. #EveryoneN

You watch the game, you don’t see Shak Muhammad. (He’s not doing anything.) #EveryoneN

LET’S GOOOOO What better way to put this one to bed than with a little milk? Captain Jack Maher redirects a whipper of a ball from Acosta goalward and we’re really rolling now. #EveryoneN

LET’S GOOOOO Woobens finished a parried Ahmed chance on a quick break for Nashville and this one is deader than a Texas salad bar. Wrong decision from Ahmed to shoot but it worked out and his run was excellent. #EveryoneN

No surprises that half, apart from Jordan Knight looking like he’s touched a soccer ball with his foot before (in BJ we trust). I’d like to see some goals at my end but I would not be surprised if we take this opportunity to practice killing games with the ball. #EveryoneN

LET’S GOOOOO Jordan Knight shuts me the hell up with a classy finish off a Matthew Corcoran(?) dime. With the starters set to get some minutes in the second half, Ottawa’s chance at pulling this tie back seems to have passed them by. #EveryoneN

Warming up: Dan, Maxwell, Yazbek, Espinoza. #EveryoneN

LET’S GOOOOO A potential hand ball takes care of itself as Muynícius finishes a freebie off a posted header by Woobens Pacius. #EveryoneN

Jordan Knight is slick buns

It’s early but Thomas Williams is chewing this Myklebust dude up. #EveryoneN

Shoutout Maxwell Woledzi for doing the crossbar challenge first try. Center back, one will recall.

Reed Baker-Whiting has the haircut millennial kids whose moms spared them the bowl cut got where they just whack at it til it looks like hair

Yellow shorts tonight 🤩

This crowd is so small I could yell “Naaaaaaaashviiiiiiille” back at the supporters section on the opposite end of the pitch. It’s Tuesday night soccer baybeeee #EveryoneN

I’m hoping we play roughly the same lineup we did in Ottawa, I’d like to see that unit in person. Specifically, I’d like to see if you can actually hear the boi-oi-oi-oing as even the most rudimentary passes bounce 3 yards off of Jordan Knight’s foot. #EveryoneN

The Spurs fan in me got all giddy about Sonny coming with LAFC in May and completely forgot they have Hugo too.

Well that was no less than a comprehensive beating. Sam: shootin’ Defense: lootin’ Boogie: Boot-scootin’ 4-1, job done, we’re on to Dallas, who have a scary film session ahead of them. #EveryoneN

Write your own joke about Feingold launching a missile at civilians.

Ahmed Qasem’s playing like a guy who wants to keep his job. Warren Madrigal putting in work even after coming off. #EveryoneN

Yogi Farrell is almost New England’s Man of the Match by default. He’s cut out a lot of danger in a match that’s already plenty ugly for his side. Yazbek and Andy off as the clock strikes Bauer Hour. #EveryoneN

Standing O for Madrigal as he’s replaced by Alex Muyl, and well deserved. Outstanding home debut for the kid, two (three?) goal contributions. #EveryoneN

Matt Turner probably fucking hates playing here. He’s conceded 8 goals in a little over 3 halves between USA-SUI and this game.

LET’S GOOOOOO Espinoza plays a disgusting ball for Yazbek, who finds Sam, whose backheel bounces off Turner to a deserving Warren Madrigal. Teach them to score. Idiots. #EveryoneN