I remember when she used to go by Lang.

Me ruining Christmas dinner by farting off my paper crown.

Anyone else so ill they can’t be arsed?

Findus Crispy pancakes are part of the Christmas dinner.

Beard accident! A Christmas Eve beard accident!

My “Santa stop Cher” hasn’t worked again.

If I was Father Christmas I would deliberately skip any properties displaying a Santa Stop Here sign. Don't tell me my job.

The royal family fooling no one by removing Prince from his name. A title traditionally that you can’t remove no matter what as all sons of Kings and Queens are Princes by default. I’d probably defund the lot of them but that’s just me.

Morning, just popping on to say I’m still not going to be on here much over the next week or so. It could be longer. I just want to wish you all a Merry Christmas. I’ll probably pop in around NYE so I’ll save that for then.

Being middle aged and childless and screaming in peoples faces that “I’m not the weird uncle” all Christmas time.

100 days ‘til Christmas

I wouldn’t normally announce stepping away from social media but with it being this time of year people will be wanting to know if I’m having turkey or something else. Sorry but you’ll have to find out after I’m back. Not sure when that will be but I might pop in to say Happy Pancake day (oops)

Just to say I’m on a social media break for the holidays so if you’re wondering if I’ve not been liking your posts or replying to them or to DMs. Just a short little break to clear the head.

I’m still on a break from social media if you were wondering where I was.

Going to have a rest from social media so you can all ask me if I’m ok or not. Have a good Christmas. Try not to miss me.

I miss being a mechanical bull operated even more at this time of year.

Channel 5 are now showing normal Christmas films. Utter shambles

Deform isn’t the clever name for Reform you think it is.

Pouring one out for the Queen.

I’m wearing a wrist brace to do my wrapping if you need to know how my rheumatoid arthritis is today. #chronicillness

Debating whether it’s a 3 mince pies kind of day?

I say, “ok ok we get it”

Unfollowing everyone doing shit driving home for Christmas jokes.

I’ve just seen that Toy R Uses have got some Buzz Lightyears in last minute.

The kid who saw mommy kissing Santa Claus is a grass.

I bet Alan Sugar is composing the shittest Chris Rea tweet you’ve ever seen.

Just actually blocked someone because the 3! Chris Rea jokes they had done all sucked.

Burying all my problems by doing some top notch wrapping. (Mainly just the car tax form bottom right)

Unfollowing everyone doing shit driving home for Christmas jokes.

Every post I do today is going to be shit. Strap in.

I’ve been accidentally sent a bottle of special edition Jameson’s. It’s a puma EFL one they seem to be going for double the retail price despite if just being normal Jameson’s inside. Sorry Dad I just bought you another normal bottle instead.

Is the EFL highlights from Saturday on ITV 4 a Christmas movie.

Can we start a fundraiser for Sainsbury’s so they can afford to put a decent amount of mincemeat in their mince pies next Christmas.

When a big name gets a comedy special released I feel like it’s just a waiting game to see who is the most offended. I remember comedy being fun.

The end of A Christmas Carol is clear that Scrooge became famous for his generosity and love of Christmas. And yet his name is still shorthand for miserliness. So really that whole story is proof that you can change all you want but people will still remember you at your worst

Last chance to order a post from me for guaranteed Christmas delivery

I’ve had shorter days.

Jesus, they’re singing “feed the scousers” when they aren’t even playing Liverpool or Everton now.

I’ve just ordered two plungers, a small and a large. If you’re wondering what I’d be like as a lover.

Avatar : bogeys and snot

Diving behind a bin so that Mr Scrooge won’t see me being frivolous on my day off.

There is always two sides to the Tory.

If you’re buying someone a pet for Christmas please wait until Christmas Eve before you wrap them.

The kid who saw mommy kissing Santa Claus is a grass.

I’ve had shorter days.

It’s the shortest day of the year but he does say he’s a couple of hours longer on the dating apps.

I couldn’t sleep so instead of counting sheep. (I rarely have sheep in the bedroom) I have watched the trailer for ”The Sheep Detectives”

Would love to see you lot fight

I start operation 14 stone in the new year. Staying the same weight when you’re ill especially at this time of year is good going. Also putting on weight is always fine too. I just need less pressure on my knees and to reduce my cholesterol.